Last week I was sick with a nasty virus/cold of some sort. I didn't eat hardly anything for 3 days and was so weak and felt so chilled that I couldn't hardly get out of bed from under my heating blanket! Praise God, I'm starting to feel like myself again, even though that self is still full of pain.
While I was suffering last week I remember thinking, "thank you God I don't feel like this all the time!" Being sick and hardly able to raise my head helps put a life of chronic pain in perspective. When I'm really down physically I often think if I can just get back to where I was before then I'll be happy. Unfortunately that's not usually the case though.
During the first two weeks of my recovery from FAI/labral hip tear surgery I was so scared I was developing CRPS or a worsening of central sensitization. I couldn't walk, my operative leg was darker and my legs were burning worse than normal. I remember praying that God would just allow me to be able to stand and walk again. I thought, with that I will be satisfied.
I am walking now and while I am not 100% back to my pre-op self, I am functioning decently for my "normal" limitations. But, guess what? I still want MORE! Yes, I'm happy and so thankful I can walk short distances again but I want to be able to walk through the grocery store without my hip feeling locked up, my sacrum burning, and that stabbing pain in my thoracic area. I want my full strength back.
Last week I heard the song, "Your Grace is Enough" by Matt Maher (you can listen to part of his story behind the song here).
Some of the lyrics:
Great is your faithfulness, oh God
You wrestle with the sinner's restless heart
You lead us by still waters and to mercy
And nothing can keep us apart
So remember your people
Remember your children
Remember your promise, oh God
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough, for me
Then it hit me. Do I REALLY believe God's grace is enough? Or even more, am I satisfied with God's grace for me? The truth is, I have to be because that's all I'm promised in this life.
God doesn't promise our lives will be easy or go the way we desire, that we'll get the job, have children, or be healed from debilitating pain. But He does promise to give us enough grace to withstand life's hardships.
But he [the Lord] said to me [apostle Paul], "My grace is enough for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9, NET)
When it doesn't feel like His grace is enough, I am leaning too much on my own strength. Because when we look to God and ask Him for strength, He will never withhold it from His children. And His grace is enough.
O for grace to trust Him more! ("Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus")
Showing posts with label Gods promises. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gods promises. Show all posts
Monday, March 18, 2013
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Teaching Children about Illness
My daughter is almost 2 1/2 years old now. She is incredibly smart and never forgets anything it seems. While she doesn't understand the particulars, she knows that Mommy hurts. It's normal to her that her grandmother and grandfather often pick her up and take her out to eat at one of her favorite places, Dairy Queen, while Mommy rests. She's used to having people from church come clean our house and friends bring us meals. She knows Daddy gives her a bath and gets up with her most mornings so Mommy can sleep later. It's normal to her that Mommy has to lay down on the couch and rest frequently, take medicine, sit on cushions, and use ice packs all the time.
I try not to cry in front of her a lot or talk about hurting all the time, but my kind of pain is pretty hard to hide. However, I've started to realize that she is very in tune to everything that is going on. Often my husband will use a rolling pin to massage the knots out of my legs or give me a massage when he gets home from work. If my daughter sees him she will come over and try to help or recently has started giving me a hug saying, "it's OK, Mommy". If I have an ice pack, she wants an ice pack. If she sees me take medicine, she wants her vitamin.
But I don't want her to worry. I don't want to her to be scared and I don't want her going to school telling her friends that her Mommy's bottom hurts (I'm sure that day may come though)! I try to rest while she naps, use my ice as discretely as possible, and make tea party fun while I lie on the couch. But how do you keep chronic pain that never goes away and greatly limits your life away from your child? The reality is; you can't completely. Whether she likes it or not, her mother is different than most mommies and this is something that she may have to deal with her whole life.
My pain has made me more diligent to use every day life to teach our daughter about God. If I have a good day and can do some housework, I tell her "God is good, He helps us be able to clean." We pray with her that God would give Mommy strength. When we have lots of food to eat, we talk about kids like our Compassion International sponsor child who doesn't have all the things we have. I want her to grow up understanding that nothing happens outside of God's control and that He loves us and has good plans for our life if we follow Him. We don't just want her to think God is something you talk about at church, but He is real and very much a part of our every day life.
One of my favorite children's books is God Knows My Name by Debby Anderson. It talks about how God knows everything and even before we were born God knew what would happen every day of our life.
We also love the Seeds Family Worship CD's and Hide 'em in Your Heart by Steve Green both of which take Bible verses and put them to music. My daughter has learned so much scripture through these tools. It has been helpful when trying to discipline to sing the words of a Bible verse to her that she knows from her CD's and it's so sweet to see her singing along in the rear view mirror about storing up treasures in heaven (Matthew 6:20-21).
We pray that filling her mind and ears with these truths will help our daughter better accept that her mother has chronic pain and the future disappointments that are sure to come in her own life. Being the child in a family with prolonged suffering is never easy, but we want her to know that this is God's good and perfect plan for our family just as much as if I was healthy.
How do you handle your chronic illness or suffering with children?
I try not to cry in front of her a lot or talk about hurting all the time, but my kind of pain is pretty hard to hide. However, I've started to realize that she is very in tune to everything that is going on. Often my husband will use a rolling pin to massage the knots out of my legs or give me a massage when he gets home from work. If my daughter sees him she will come over and try to help or recently has started giving me a hug saying, "it's OK, Mommy". If I have an ice pack, she wants an ice pack. If she sees me take medicine, she wants her vitamin.
But I don't want her to worry. I don't want to her to be scared and I don't want her going to school telling her friends that her Mommy's bottom hurts (I'm sure that day may come though)! I try to rest while she naps, use my ice as discretely as possible, and make tea party fun while I lie on the couch. But how do you keep chronic pain that never goes away and greatly limits your life away from your child? The reality is; you can't completely. Whether she likes it or not, her mother is different than most mommies and this is something that she may have to deal with her whole life.
My pain has made me more diligent to use every day life to teach our daughter about God. If I have a good day and can do some housework, I tell her "God is good, He helps us be able to clean." We pray with her that God would give Mommy strength. When we have lots of food to eat, we talk about kids like our Compassion International sponsor child who doesn't have all the things we have. I want her to grow up understanding that nothing happens outside of God's control and that He loves us and has good plans for our life if we follow Him. We don't just want her to think God is something you talk about at church, but He is real and very much a part of our every day life.
One of my favorite children's books is God Knows My Name by Debby Anderson. It talks about how God knows everything and even before we were born God knew what would happen every day of our life.We also love the Seeds Family Worship CD's and Hide 'em in Your Heart by Steve Green both of which take Bible verses and put them to music. My daughter has learned so much scripture through these tools. It has been helpful when trying to discipline to sing the words of a Bible verse to her that she knows from her CD's and it's so sweet to see her singing along in the rear view mirror about storing up treasures in heaven (Matthew 6:20-21).
We pray that filling her mind and ears with these truths will help our daughter better accept that her mother has chronic pain and the future disappointments that are sure to come in her own life. Being the child in a family with prolonged suffering is never easy, but we want her to know that this is God's good and perfect plan for our family just as much as if I was healthy.
How do you handle your chronic illness or suffering with children?
Saturday, October 22, 2011
A Home for the Lonely
God makes a home for the lonely” Psalm 68:6 (NASB)
I have looked to my husband, family, friends, TV, books, the Internet, exercising (pre-pain)...you name to find comfort in my loneliness, but how often do I look to God? He is the only one who can give us true comfort and peace. For those who trust in Christ as their Savior, God has made His home in us through the Holy Spirit! And there is no better home we can have.
As a newlywed I naively thought that marriage would be the end of my loneliness. I quickly found out I was greatly mistaken. Despite having other married friends, I often found myself lonely especially since my husband worked a lot of evenings.
Now that I struggle with chronic pain and my husband continues to work a lot of evenings I still struggle with loneliness at times. Those evenings I am home alone with my 2 year old are when Satan most seems to tempt me to be anxious and despair. It's when I often get "that feeling" I blogged about recently.
After my husband and I were married 11 months, we moved to my hometown to be involved with ministry at the church my father pastors. My chronic pelvic pain began about 2 weeks before we moved and, as we later found out, at the time I got pregnant with our daughter. We know now that God, in His sovereign design preordained our timely move for reasons much greater than our own plans of doing ministry before journeying to the overseas mission field. God worked in my heart and my husband's heart to bring us to a town neither of us desired to live long-term. But now, we are so grateful for our Father's care in bringing us to live near my parents and large extended family. I cannot imagine dealing with this pain and a small child without their help.
But in moving, we "sacrificed" great friendships. It is just recently that we have been able to make closer friends since moving almost 3 years ago. It has been a time of loneliness, especially for an extrovert like myself. After living overseas and experiencing a very different way of life, we find ourselves in rural America learning to relate to people with different life experiences and goals than our own. It has been a good growing experience for us.
Now that I suffer with chronic pain that is invisible to the outside world, I have begun to experience a new type of loneliness. There is a special bond that I feel when I talk to others who have a chronic illness or have experienced great suffering, and I am thankful for those friendships I have made. But it is sometimes difficult for me to form close friendships now with people who have not (yet) experienced some kind of suffering. It's often hard for me to relate to "normal" life now and sometimes I become cynical, although that is not my heart's desire. This is an area of my life I need great grace both from others and from the Lord.
Can God really make a home for the lonely as Psalm 68:6 says? How? What about the single person who lives their whole life lonely, longing for a family? I was re-reading a little booklet my mom sent me when I lived overseas called How to Overcome Loneliness by Elisabeth Elliot, who is one of my favorite authors. In this booklet, Elliot talks about her friend who is single and asks if she is lonely. The friend says,
"Oh, no. You see, I have a sense of expectancy every day. What does the Lord want to do with me today? I have no agenda of my own." "What do you mean by agenda?" [Elisabeth asks]. The friend responds, "Thinking there's only one solution, and God has to give you that or nothing. You have a closed mind. A closed mind is a closed heart and a closed door."No agenda of my own.... Isn't that what we all struggle with, whether it be loneliness or any other unfulfilled desires. We want our life to be a certain way because we have a plan, an agenda. But God promises to make a home for the lonely! He is our home, and in Him our desires become His desires (Psalm 37:4). "No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly" Psalm 84:11.
I have looked to my husband, family, friends, TV, books, the Internet, exercising (pre-pain)...you name to find comfort in my loneliness, but how often do I look to God? He is the only one who can give us true comfort and peace. For those who trust in Christ as their Savior, God has made His home in us through the Holy Spirit! And there is no better home we can have.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Jehovah Jireh
Over the last year I have tried around 10-15 cushions to try and make sitting more comfortable (and I only sit when I absolutely have to like driving, church, work, and some meals). I recently found a cushion online that I really thought would work, but unfortunately it cost $100 and if purchased it was not returnable. So I asked a ton of questions and after getting pretty good feedback I decided to give it a try. Unfortunately it was not as described. It was very soft and not supportive even though I ordered the "firm" cushion. I explained my frustration and they said I could send it back and exchange it for the "extra firm" which is described as sturdy support that will keep you from touching the seat you are sitting on (which is exactly what I need). So I spent another $10 to mail it back and received it today only to be even more disappointed. It seems like they just sent me a thinner cushion that was the same firmness.
I was really hoping this cushion would help me be able to sit at church better and help me endure the 3 hour flight to Phoenix next month. I was even more frustrated that I spent over $100 on a cushion that will most likely go in a closet with all the other cushions that haven't worked.
A couple hours after I opened up the cushion, I went to the mailbox to find a check from the IRS for $289! After completing our income tax return this year we were notified by the IRS that we might qualify for an additional credit because we have a child. So we completed the paperwork and apparently it was accepted. What is the likelihood that two things we've been waiting on, the cushion and money from the IRS, would come the same day? God is so kind. In my disappointment and frustration, He reminded me that He is our great provider!
I was really hoping this cushion would help me be able to sit at church better and help me endure the 3 hour flight to Phoenix next month. I was even more frustrated that I spent over $100 on a cushion that will most likely go in a closet with all the other cushions that haven't worked.
A couple hours after I opened up the cushion, I went to the mailbox to find a check from the IRS for $289! After completing our income tax return this year we were notified by the IRS that we might qualify for an additional credit because we have a child. So we completed the paperwork and apparently it was accepted. What is the likelihood that two things we've been waiting on, the cushion and money from the IRS, would come the same day? God is so kind. In my disappointment and frustration, He reminded me that He is our great provider!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Frustrations
Sometimes I feel like we just can't "catch a break"-life seems to always be hard for us. I know this is of course is not true, but I have to fight sometimes daily the frustrations and temptations to think that God is not good in the working out of His will in our lives.
My husband was asked to lead a mission trip overseas (his first since returning from Africa 5 1/2 years ago). I was excited for him even though of course deep down I really want to be able to go too. Proclaiming the goodness of God through Jesus to the nations is our hearts desire, but we are unable to leave my hometown right now due to my pain. It's hard for me to watch my husband's dreams fade because of me so this mission trip seemed like God's hand at work. Unfortunately we found out my husband will not be allowed to take the time off work because the trip falls during the company's peak sales season. The manager is just upholding a policy and not taking into account that this is not really a vacation (although my husband will gladly use his vacation time for it)....frustrating. Furthermore, my husband's new job-while it provides more money-has not turned out to be what we expected. He is required to work mostly evening/weekend shifts, and while we see this isn't probably the best solution for a long term job finding a job in our area isn't easy right now....frustrating.
I've been experiencing a lot of burning pain in my knees and feet and knots in all my leg muscles. I feel confident it is related to my pudendal neuralgia (the pelvic muscles are spasmed therefore leading to spasm of all my lower body muscles and often there is nerve "crosstalk" with pudendal neuralgia), but it is making it harder for me to stand very much. I really don't know what to do about this. I have been debating on whether to get a family doctor, I don't have one or just wait out the 2 months till I go to Phoenix to see a pudendal neuralgia specialist. I already can't sit because of pudendal neuralgia. Am I going to get to where I can't hardly stand either?....frustrating
Like I said, I am traveling to Phoenix in August and I was hopeful that I would get to have at least one treatment done while I was there, but the doctor's nurse said that it's not likely that I will. I will be seeing a physical therapist while there and having a special MRI done, but since I am flying across the country it would be nice to at least try something to help me feel better! We can't really afford flying to Phoenix again this year and I've been waiting for this appointment since January....frustrating!
What do we do when the circumstances of this life are frustraing? How can we trust God will really take care of us? I love this verse in Matthew 10:29-31
I would appreciate your prayers:
1. That God will open doors for us to minister despite my pain. And guidance to know where He is leading.
2. Tomorrow I am going to try a new massage therapist. I am praying it will be helpful as I have stopped PT for now and have a lot of muscles pains in addition to nerve pain. Any relief will help my quality of life.
3. Guidance about whether to get a family doctor now or wait until after going to Phoenix. And that I will find one who is familiar with treating chronic pain.
4. That the Dr. in AZ will have mercy on me and allow me to get some treatment while there.
5. Strength both physically and spiritually to make it through each day and not to let "frustrations" get me down.
Anyone reading have a favorite Bible verse that helps them through the frustrations of this life? (Feel free to comment anonymously)
My husband was asked to lead a mission trip overseas (his first since returning from Africa 5 1/2 years ago). I was excited for him even though of course deep down I really want to be able to go too. Proclaiming the goodness of God through Jesus to the nations is our hearts desire, but we are unable to leave my hometown right now due to my pain. It's hard for me to watch my husband's dreams fade because of me so this mission trip seemed like God's hand at work. Unfortunately we found out my husband will not be allowed to take the time off work because the trip falls during the company's peak sales season. The manager is just upholding a policy and not taking into account that this is not really a vacation (although my husband will gladly use his vacation time for it)....frustrating. Furthermore, my husband's new job-while it provides more money-has not turned out to be what we expected. He is required to work mostly evening/weekend shifts, and while we see this isn't probably the best solution for a long term job finding a job in our area isn't easy right now....frustrating.
I've been experiencing a lot of burning pain in my knees and feet and knots in all my leg muscles. I feel confident it is related to my pudendal neuralgia (the pelvic muscles are spasmed therefore leading to spasm of all my lower body muscles and often there is nerve "crosstalk" with pudendal neuralgia), but it is making it harder for me to stand very much. I really don't know what to do about this. I have been debating on whether to get a family doctor, I don't have one or just wait out the 2 months till I go to Phoenix to see a pudendal neuralgia specialist. I already can't sit because of pudendal neuralgia. Am I going to get to where I can't hardly stand either?....frustrating
Like I said, I am traveling to Phoenix in August and I was hopeful that I would get to have at least one treatment done while I was there, but the doctor's nurse said that it's not likely that I will. I will be seeing a physical therapist while there and having a special MRI done, but since I am flying across the country it would be nice to at least try something to help me feel better! We can't really afford flying to Phoenix again this year and I've been waiting for this appointment since January....frustrating!
What do we do when the circumstances of this life are frustraing? How can we trust God will really take care of us? I love this verse in Matthew 10:29-31
There are more than 50 species of sparrows in North America alone. Sparrows are one of the most common birds yet not one of them falls to the ground apart from God's will! If God is sovereign over the sparrows how much more is He working out every detail of our lives? And because of this I don't have to fear no matter what happens, in fact, Jesus commands us not to fear at all. Verses like this bring great comfort in times when it seems like everywhere we turn life is hard. Circumstances may be frustrating to us, but God's plans are never frustrated. Lord, help me to believe your word is true and to "fear not".
"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows."
I would appreciate your prayers:
1. That God will open doors for us to minister despite my pain. And guidance to know where He is leading.
2. Tomorrow I am going to try a new massage therapist. I am praying it will be helpful as I have stopped PT for now and have a lot of muscles pains in addition to nerve pain. Any relief will help my quality of life.
3. Guidance about whether to get a family doctor now or wait until after going to Phoenix. And that I will find one who is familiar with treating chronic pain.
4. That the Dr. in AZ will have mercy on me and allow me to get some treatment while there.
5. Strength both physically and spiritually to make it through each day and not to let "frustrations" get me down.
Anyone reading have a favorite Bible verse that helps them through the frustrations of this life? (Feel free to comment anonymously)
Monday, May 16, 2011
I will Remember Your Wonders
The past few days have been especially difficult. It feels like every muscle in my body is as hard as a guitar string. Without going into all the details, I hurt. Times like these I feel like a bad mother and wife. I don't have the energy to play with my daughter and I don't feel like engaging in a conversation with my husband. I don't cry nearly as often as I used to when pain first entered my life, but tonight is an exception. How will I continue to live a semi-normal life if things continue to progress? How am I going to work an 8 hour nursing shift tomorrow when my feet are killing me? Is this as good as I will ever be, physically, here on this Earth?
I opened up my Bible to read tonight and was greatly encouraged by Psalm 77.
1 To the choirmaster: according to Jeduthun. A Psalm of Asaph. I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, and he will hear me.
2 In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted.*
3 When I remember God, I moan; when I meditate, my spirit faints. Selah
4 You hold my eyelids open; I am so troubled that I cannot speak.
5 I consider the days of old, the years long ago.
6 I said, "Let me remember my song in the night; let me meditate in my heart." Then my spirit made a diligent search:
7 "Will the Lord spurn forever, and never again be favorable?
8 Has his steadfast love forever ceased? Are his promises at an end for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he in anger shut up his compassion?" Selah
10 Then I said, "I will appeal to this, to the years of the right hand of the Most High."
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your wonders of old.
12 I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds.
13 Your way, O God, is holy. What god is great like our God?
14 You are the God who works wonders; you have made known your might among the peoples.
15 You with your arm redeemed your people, the children of Jacob and Joseph. Selah
16 When the waters saw you, O God, when the waters saw you, they were afraid; indeed, the deep trembled.
17 The clouds poured out water; the skies gave forth thunder; your arrows flashed on every side.
18 The crash of your thunder was in the whirlwind; your lightnings lighted up the world; the earth trembled and shook.
19 Your way was through the sea, your path through the great waters; yet your footprints were unseen.
20 You led your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron.
* emphasis mine
It's easy in days like these to get depressed and to look back longingly on the "good" days before chronic pain entered my body. I can begin to question God's love and purpose for me. But like the psalmist I must cling to what is true. When I meditate on the mighty works of God both in my life and throughout the Bible, I can rest assured that God is good and His grace will get me through tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that, no matter what happens.
I opened up my Bible to read tonight and was greatly encouraged by Psalm 77.
1 To the choirmaster: according to Jeduthun. A Psalm of Asaph. I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, and he will hear me.
2 In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted.*
3 When I remember God, I moan; when I meditate, my spirit faints. Selah
4 You hold my eyelids open; I am so troubled that I cannot speak.
5 I consider the days of old, the years long ago.
6 I said, "Let me remember my song in the night; let me meditate in my heart." Then my spirit made a diligent search:
7 "Will the Lord spurn forever, and never again be favorable?
8 Has his steadfast love forever ceased? Are his promises at an end for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he in anger shut up his compassion?" Selah
10 Then I said, "I will appeal to this, to the years of the right hand of the Most High."
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your wonders of old.
12 I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds.
13 Your way, O God, is holy. What god is great like our God?
14 You are the God who works wonders; you have made known your might among the peoples.
15 You with your arm redeemed your people, the children of Jacob and Joseph. Selah
16 When the waters saw you, O God, when the waters saw you, they were afraid; indeed, the deep trembled.
17 The clouds poured out water; the skies gave forth thunder; your arrows flashed on every side.
18 The crash of your thunder was in the whirlwind; your lightnings lighted up the world; the earth trembled and shook.
19 Your way was through the sea, your path through the great waters; yet your footprints were unseen.
20 You led your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron.
* emphasis mine
It's easy in days like these to get depressed and to look back longingly on the "good" days before chronic pain entered my body. I can begin to question God's love and purpose for me. But like the psalmist I must cling to what is true. When I meditate on the mighty works of God both in my life and throughout the Bible, I can rest assured that God is good and His grace will get me through tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that, no matter what happens.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Raining Praises
I want to thank those of you who pray so faithfully for me and my family. I have some praises to report! Some of you know that my husband has been working a very low paying job (although he has a bachelor's and practically a master's degree) because our current life situation was meant to be temporary while we awaited going on the mission field long term. With my pain levels increasing and no good treatment options in sight, I have been unable to work my job as a nurse. The Lord has graciously provided a promotion for my husband that will make him an assistant manager. The hours and pay still aren't great, but it's definitely better and there is room for advancement. He starts tomorrow and is so happy to be finished with his current job. It's not only hard to physically suffer, but it is very difficult to also watch loved ones endure suffering because of my condition.
I had a better week last week I think. I don't know if I felt a lot better or if I am just getting better at dealing with chronic pain, but probably a little of both. When I say I feel better though I still can't sit (nothing helps that) and I still have daily pain, but the level just drops a notch or so. I actually worked about 16 hours last week! Every hour helps our income greatly so this is a big praise! I realized now however that I over did it as my pain has increased. I have decided to try to work one 8 hour shift a week starting in May. I have only been working about 5 hours a week so this is a pretty big increase especially because my 8 hour shifts will most likely turn into 9+ hours. I have spoken with my charge nurse though and if things are too hard I can drop back down to shorter shifts. Praise God my work has been so understanding in this situation. There are few jobs that allow you to work as little as I do and make good money. Thankful again for God's providence in leading me to be a nurse, even though I've never really loved it (at least not as a nurse in a hospital in the States).
The increase in work has resulted in a major pain flare in my feet and legs. I had a lot of trouble with my feet last summer and fall, but once I got up to higher doses of Neurontin and wore better shoes the pain seemed to subside. Unfortunately it is back with a vengeance. I have a naturally high instep and arches so this leads to difficulty finding shoes. I have also had some burning in my feet again so I know I really need to be careful so I don't end up being on the couch for a couple weeks again like I was last fall. I basically had to get rid of all my "cheap" shoes and am slowly investing in good quality shoes. I got some new sandals today that are supposed to be good for my pain issues so I hope I they will allow me to stand for longer periods of time. It's really hard to not be able to sit or stand for very long. I sure could use your prayers about this.
We've been hit with tons of rain lately. The rain always increases my all over muscle pains as well. Sometimes even my forearm muscles hurt! But this weekend I was encouraged by how Jesus' resurrection gives so much hope for "gloomy" days. My dad is a pastor and brought up a passage in his sermon that is not typically thought of during Easter. These particular verse really encourage me when the daily struggles with chronic pain seem more than I can bear. I hope they bring you strength to serve the Lord no matter what your circumstance as well!
"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4: 8-11; 16-18
I had a better week last week I think. I don't know if I felt a lot better or if I am just getting better at dealing with chronic pain, but probably a little of both. When I say I feel better though I still can't sit (nothing helps that) and I still have daily pain, but the level just drops a notch or so. I actually worked about 16 hours last week! Every hour helps our income greatly so this is a big praise! I realized now however that I over did it as my pain has increased. I have decided to try to work one 8 hour shift a week starting in May. I have only been working about 5 hours a week so this is a pretty big increase especially because my 8 hour shifts will most likely turn into 9+ hours. I have spoken with my charge nurse though and if things are too hard I can drop back down to shorter shifts. Praise God my work has been so understanding in this situation. There are few jobs that allow you to work as little as I do and make good money. Thankful again for God's providence in leading me to be a nurse, even though I've never really loved it (at least not as a nurse in a hospital in the States).
The increase in work has resulted in a major pain flare in my feet and legs. I had a lot of trouble with my feet last summer and fall, but once I got up to higher doses of Neurontin and wore better shoes the pain seemed to subside. Unfortunately it is back with a vengeance. I have a naturally high instep and arches so this leads to difficulty finding shoes. I have also had some burning in my feet again so I know I really need to be careful so I don't end up being on the couch for a couple weeks again like I was last fall. I basically had to get rid of all my "cheap" shoes and am slowly investing in good quality shoes. I got some new sandals today that are supposed to be good for my pain issues so I hope I they will allow me to stand for longer periods of time. It's really hard to not be able to sit or stand for very long. I sure could use your prayers about this.
We've been hit with tons of rain lately. The rain always increases my all over muscle pains as well. Sometimes even my forearm muscles hurt! But this weekend I was encouraged by how Jesus' resurrection gives so much hope for "gloomy" days. My dad is a pastor and brought up a passage in his sermon that is not typically thought of during Easter. These particular verse really encourage me when the daily struggles with chronic pain seem more than I can bear. I hope they bring you strength to serve the Lord no matter what your circumstance as well!
Friday, April 22, 2011
What Jesus' Death Means for the Chronically Ill
I've been thinking this week in preparation for Good Friday and Easter Sunday about what Jesus' death on the cross means especially for those of us who suffer from chronic illness/pain. With Adam and Eve's disobedience to God, sin entered the world and so did physical suffering and sickness. But Jesus bore our sufferings and sin on the cross so one day they will be no more.
"Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed." Isaiah 53:4-5
"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person--though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die--but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:1-8
"Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed." Isaiah 53:4-5
Without Jesus' death our physical suffering would last forever and be far worse than what we experience now, in hell. Physical healing may not come on this earth, but for those who love God and trust in Jesus' death and resurrection to save them from their sins, God promises eternal life that will be free from pain.
"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." Revelation 21:4
Jesus came to give us peace so that we can "rejoice in our sufferings". If you don't know that you have eternal life through Jesus and don't have this hope despite your circumstances, please email me or click on the link to the right "How you can have Hope".
Thursday, April 7, 2011
In Everything By Prayer
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7
While it is God who works in us and gives us the desire to want to pray, we still are given the command to pray in everything and are responsible to obey God's word.
I have found in my struggles with chronic pain that praying for others can help me tremendously. Not only does it grow my relationship with God, but it also helps me take my focus off myself and all my problems for a little while. I often ask people to please tell me how I can be praying for them. This is a ministry I can be apart of even when I feel bad and am unable to "do" things. I have met so many people through this short journey who are also struggling and hurting and I often say, "I'll pray for you". But a week or two goes by and I realize I forgot to pray for them. I've tried to write down lists or keep a "prayer journal", but it never seems to work...I end up not praying for the person like I'd hoped.
This year my husband got a small planner/calendar and lists things to pray for each day. He does this in advance so that when the day comes he is prepared to remember to pray for "Bob who is having surgery on Monday". I decided to try to adopt this practice. In addition to my husband's approach, I use a systematic guide for each day that I adapted from an old friend's blog. I am trying to pray for different "groups" everyday of the week.
Monday: Family
Tuesday: Friends
Wednesday: Church/ministries
Thursday: Those that are sick/chronically ill
Friday: Missionaries
Saturday: Hurting/Longing (this may be a struggling marriage or a family facing infertility/adoption)
Sunday: My own personal issues/Holiness and Growth
I still do not pray like I should, but it helps me to have a "plan" that can help me be more consistent in prayer. God doesn't always answer prayer the way we would like, but He does always answer and He promises to give us peace in Jesus no matter the outcome. Prayer is one of the ways God brings about His will in our lives. How amazing it is that the creator of the universe calls us to offer up our requests to Him!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Process of Elimination
Last Monday I saw the pain management doctor who did my pudendal nerve injections. My pelvic pain doctor wanted me to see him again because he said there were other things he could do for my pudendal neuralgia. One of those things being a low thermal radiofrequency, where heat is used to "stun" the nerve. I am not interested in doing anything else, however, until I see the pudendal neuralgia specialist in August.
I did explain to the doctor that I have a lot of pain in the sacral area particularly around what seems to be the left sacroiliac joint. So he gave me a steroid injection in the left SI joint. The injection was very painful and the doctor thought it might be a good sign that this is what was causing my pain. I was hopeful that this might be at least part of my problem, but I didn't get any relief from it. I don't feel like it was a waste however because it at least ruled out sacroilitis as a cause of my pain. The doctors said that sacral nerve 2 and 3 run through the area that causes me pain and the pudendal nerve comes off of sacral nerve 2, 3, 4 so I think most likely this pain is refered from the pudendal nerve. The doctor said they can repeat the SI injection, but I see no reason to if it didn't give me any relief. The only bad thing is I won't be seeing the pudendal neuralgia specialist for another 4 1/2 months and there's not much more to try for pain relief until then. For now I continue to take Neurontin and go to physical therapy. But I feel like I have plateaued in PT so after a few more sessions I may give that a break as well.
I have been struggling with a cold/cough again for almost 2 weeks. I have learned that coughing is very bad for pudendal neuralgia. Each time I cough it causes me to tense my pelvic floor muscles and puts pressure on the pudendal nerve. Since stopping the birth control pills I have felt better I think. Not better overall, but better than I did on the pills. I am not waking up at night and my overall muscle aches seem to be a little better. Either that or I am getting more used to it.
Sometimes my heart wants to be discouraged. I feel like I am just beating my head against a brick wall. But I know God has been so faithful to me and He promises to continue to give me mercy for each new day (Lamentations 3:22). So I will continue to take it day by day because afterall that's all God says we need to be concerned with (Matthew 6:34). I love this old hymn entitled Day by Day and I have the first verse sitting over my kitchen sink. It was written by Lina Sandell who was the daughter of a Lutheran pastor in Sweden. When she was 26, she accompanied her father on a boat trip and witnessed her father fall overboard and drown. This tragedy affected her profoundly and inspired her to write hymns.
Monday, March 21, 2011
A Mysterious Anniversary of Purpose
A year ago today I woke up at 6 a.m. with a burning pain in my sacral area. It was a Sunday and I had a lot of pain when trying to sit at church. Over the next few days I had shooting pains that went down into my rectum and pelvic floor. And thus began the journey that has led to where I am today. Over the last year I have battled and continue to fight the Cycle of Acceptance. I still have hope that there is something that can be done to bring me a better quality of life one day. But I am also learning to accept that if my current state is "as good as it gets" or I even get worse, God is enough. Some days I am ok with that, other days, not so much.
I have struggled a lot with regret looking back over the last couple of years. I have regretted ever using hormonal birth control when my husband and I got married (especially the Nuvaring). I have regretted ever losing a lot of weight before I got married (I got down to about 115 at 5'6"). I regretted not using a different form of birth control when I stopped hormonal birth control (I got pregnant immediately with no period in between; this is also when my pain started). I have really regretted ever going to physical therapy (which seemed to be the causative factor in my inability to sit and downhill physical condition). And the list continues.
But in reality there are thousands of people who use the Nuvaring and never develop chronic pelvic pain. There are millions of people who are thin and don't develop pudendal neuralgia. I know women who have gotten pregnant the first month off hormonal birth control and never gotten vulvodynia (besides had I not gotten pregnant immediately we wouldn't have our precious daughter who is definitely worth it!) And while PT could have contributed to my inability to sit and increasing pain it's unlikely that it soley caused my current pains. After all, I already had pelvic pain coming into therapy (albeit minor pain in comparsion), but my pelvic floor PT had helped hundreds of women with pelvic pain and was treating me with the common treatments used for my current pain of pudendal neuralgia.
So what caused my pelvic pain or more importantly why do I have do endure this pain? What is the purpose of my pain? I am reminded of a passage in John chapter 9 about the blind man that Jesus rubbed mud on his eyes and after washing his eyes he was healed. But there are three important verseas at the beginning of this chapter that often get overlooked.
"As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" Jesus answered, "It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him." (John 9:1-3)
I have struggled a lot with regret looking back over the last couple of years. I have regretted ever using hormonal birth control when my husband and I got married (especially the Nuvaring). I have regretted ever losing a lot of weight before I got married (I got down to about 115 at 5'6"). I regretted not using a different form of birth control when I stopped hormonal birth control (I got pregnant immediately with no period in between; this is also when my pain started). I have really regretted ever going to physical therapy (which seemed to be the causative factor in my inability to sit and downhill physical condition). And the list continues.
But in reality there are thousands of people who use the Nuvaring and never develop chronic pelvic pain. There are millions of people who are thin and don't develop pudendal neuralgia. I know women who have gotten pregnant the first month off hormonal birth control and never gotten vulvodynia (besides had I not gotten pregnant immediately we wouldn't have our precious daughter who is definitely worth it!) And while PT could have contributed to my inability to sit and increasing pain it's unlikely that it soley caused my current pains. After all, I already had pelvic pain coming into therapy (albeit minor pain in comparsion), but my pelvic floor PT had helped hundreds of women with pelvic pain and was treating me with the common treatments used for my current pain of pudendal neuralgia.
So what caused my pelvic pain or more importantly why do I have do endure this pain? What is the purpose of my pain? I am reminded of a passage in John chapter 9 about the blind man that Jesus rubbed mud on his eyes and after washing his eyes he was healed. But there are three important verseas at the beginning of this chapter that often get overlooked.
"As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" Jesus answered, "It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him." (John 9:1-3)
The disciples said, "Jesus, why is this mind blind and having to endure this life of suffering?" And Jesus says, "that the works of God might be displayed in him". This man's suffering had purpose! And God in His loving wisdom is directing the details of our lives for His glory. When the thoughts of regret come, I must remind myself that God's will will be and has been accomplished in my life and for now that will includes chronic pain.
~~~~~~
"And what is [God's] will? That you and I be in the best position, the best place, the timeliest circumstance in which God can be glorified the most. For me, that place just happens to be a wheelchair. That happens to be my place of healing." Joni Eareckson Tada A Place of Healing
(Joni has been a quadriplegic for 40 years, suffered from chronic pain, and battled cancer. You can read more about her ministry here)
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Feeding Your Faith
"Faith feeds on the Word of God. Without a steady diet it gets weaker and weaker. If you are dissatisfied with your Christian courage and joy and purity of heart, check the way you are feeding your faith. Compare the way you eat. Suppose that you start the day with a glass of orange juice. It's good, and good for you. It takes you maybe five minutes to drink it if you read the newspaper at the same time. Then you go off to work or school. You don't eat anything else until the next morning. And you have another glass of juice. And so you go on drinking one glass of juice a day until you drop. That's the way a lot of Christians try to survive as believers. They feed their faith with five minutes of food in the morning, or evening, and then don't eat again until twenty-four hours later. Some even skip one or two mornings and don't give their faith anything to eat for days." -John Piper, Taste and See
When we starve our faith it gets weaker and it has a hard time trusting God. I see this in my life when I have "bad days". Sometimes during those days that the pain is so bad I don't read my Bible like I should because my head hurts too much. But I could still listen to a sermon or have my husband read the Bible to me, or I am sure there are probably audio Bibles you can listen to online. Or we all have to go to the bathroom ( I have found the toilet seat to be the most comfortable seat in the house during my struggle with pudendal neuralgia), so take a couple minutes to read some scripture or a devotional book while going to the bathroom. It may be just a phrase like "Trust in the Lord with all your heart" (Proverbs 3:5). Then when you are going through your day as painful or as bad as it may be and Satan tempts you to despair, you will be reminded of the verse you mediated on earlier to trust in the Lord no matter what. Some people follow the "No Bible, No Breakfast" rule emphasizing that reading the word of God is more important than eating. Wow! That's challenging. But think of how much stronger our faith would be in the battles of everyday life if our soul was fed as much or even more than we feed our body!
"Faith comes from hearing, and hearing by the word of Christ." Romans 10:17
"His delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night. He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in its season." Psalm 1:2-3
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Unable to go to church?
Were you unable to go to church today? Listen to this It's one of the sessions from a great seminar on suffering by Pastor John Piper. You can even read the notes click on "The Necessity, Nature, and Purposes of Christian Suffering" under seminar notes for the session I have linked to. I have found this to be one of the most thorough explanations of suffering I have ever heard.
Some of the questions he answers from scripture in this lecture include:
Is it ok to ask God "why" when we suffer?
Is suffering from sickness, loss of a job, or death of a loved one the same as when it talks about suffering from persecution in scripture?
Why does God permit and order suffering?
How can we joyfully endure suffering?
One of my favorite quotes from the lecture: "What is our goal in life? To avoid suffering, or to magnify Jesus above all?"
Some of the questions he answers from scripture in this lecture include:
Is it ok to ask God "why" when we suffer?
Is suffering from sickness, loss of a job, or death of a loved one the same as when it talks about suffering from persecution in scripture?
Why does God permit and order suffering?
How can we joyfully endure suffering?
One of my favorite quotes from the lecture: "What is our goal in life? To avoid suffering, or to magnify Jesus above all?"
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Strength in Weakness
I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook and blogging. I love that technology makes it possible for me to keep in touch with friends who live all over the world. But I hate the way it makes my heart discontent. I read about a friend who has 3 preschool age kids, makes her own diapers, gets up at 5 am to prepare dinner, and then spends the day working out, running errands, and having play dates with her friends' and their kids. Or a friend who has her fourth child and is up and at em the next day talking to all her friends on Facebook about how wonderful life is being a family of 6. Or a friend who lives overseas, homeschools her kids, ministers to hurting women, and is in the process of adopting a national baby. It seems my friends are doing many things that I will most likely never experience while I struggle to just get supper on the table.
I can make excuses, but it boils down to discontentment. Instead of finding my peace and hope in God I look to the world's expectations of who I should be and what I am "missing out" on.
The apostle Paul was a man who knew sorrow...
"Five times I received at the hands of the Jews the forty lashes less one. Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked; a night and a day I was adrift at sea; on frequent journeys, in danger from rivers, danger from robbers, danger from my own people, danger from Gentiles, danger in the city, danger in the wilderness, danger at sea, danger from false brothers; in toil and hardship, through many a sleepless night, in hunger and thirst, often without food, in cold and exposure." 2 Corinthians 11:25-27
and if that isn't enough to persuade you...
"So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficent for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" 2 Corinthians 12:7-9a
Yet Paul was content.
"For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10
"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:11-13
Those are strong statements! Can you imagine being able to say that you have learned to be content in whatever situation you are in? To be content in weakness, not wanting to life to be better or easier? As hard as it may be, that is my desire - to believe that God's grace is sufficient for me in any and every circumstance. In my weakness He is made strong. That's what I must be striving for more than all the desirable things I read about on my friends' blogs; that God be glorified in and through my life!
I can make excuses, but it boils down to discontentment. Instead of finding my peace and hope in God I look to the world's expectations of who I should be and what I am "missing out" on.
The apostle Paul was a man who knew sorrow...
"Five times I received at the hands of the Jews the forty lashes less one. Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked; a night and a day I was adrift at sea; on frequent journeys, in danger from rivers, danger from robbers, danger from my own people, danger from Gentiles, danger in the city, danger in the wilderness, danger at sea, danger from false brothers; in toil and hardship, through many a sleepless night, in hunger and thirst, often without food, in cold and exposure." 2 Corinthians 11:25-27
and if that isn't enough to persuade you...
"So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficent for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" 2 Corinthians 12:7-9a
Yet Paul was content.
"For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10
"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:11-13
Those are strong statements! Can you imagine being able to say that you have learned to be content in whatever situation you are in? To be content in weakness, not wanting to life to be better or easier? As hard as it may be, that is my desire - to believe that God's grace is sufficient for me in any and every circumstance. In my weakness He is made strong. That's what I must be striving for more than all the desirable things I read about on my friends' blogs; that God be glorified in and through my life!
Friday, February 11, 2011
Fullness of Joy
I've been wanting to blog all week, but haven't been able to find the time or I don't feel like it when I do have time to "rest". Tonight and tomorrow morning I am going to try to go to a parenting conference at a local church. It's going to be hard...a lot of sitting. The problem is I can sit ok (I mean with a pain level of 5 or less) usually for about 20-30 minutes or so then the pain level starts rising so I try to get up. If I get up and walk around for a while I can't sit down for another 20 minutes at a pain level of 5 or less because the pain has already built up. You know what I mean? Anyways, prayers would be appreciated this weekend.
Until I can blog more of what God's been teaching me, read Psalm 16. Some of my favorite passages come from this Psalm. If you are at a point in life where you don't know what to do or life is just hard (that's everybody, right?!) or maybe you wonder if God is really good, then you'll be encouraged. Here's a sneak peak:
Until I can blog more of what God's been teaching me, read Psalm 16. Some of my favorite passages come from this Psalm. If you are at a point in life where you don't know what to do or life is just hard (that's everybody, right?!) or maybe you wonder if God is really good, then you'll be encouraged. Here's a sneak peak:
"I say to the Lord, "You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.""
"The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance."
"You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at you right hand are pleasures forevermore."
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Disappointment and Encouragement
I had a really disappointing doctor's appointment yesterday. I don't feel comfortable sharing details of it on here, but I could really use your prayers. A lot of tears have been shed and I feel at a loss right now.
Throughout my struggles with pain, my husband has often reminded me of the story of King Jehoshaphat in 2 Chronicles 20. In this passage the enemies of Irsrael (the Moabites and Ammonites) are going to invade, but the Spirit of the Lord tells them that the battle is the Lord's and they don't need to fight, but rather to stand firm and watch God save them from their attackers! Not only did the Lord destroy their enemies for them, but he also greatly blessed them with all the goods from their enemies. In fact it took them three days to gather all the goods that that the Lord gave them through this defeat!
Since my appointment yesterday I have felt like Jehoshaphat in 2 Chronicles 20:12 "we do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you." I have been convicted because I have been fighting so hard. Fighting to fix myself....to be normal again. But no matter what I do or don't do God is the one who is fighting for me.
"Thus says the LORD to you, 'Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed at this great horde, for the battle is not yours but God's." 2 Chron 20:15
I know I haven't let God fight for me like I should. I believe that God is in control yet I feel like I need to somehow control the situation too. I am sorry Lord, forgive me. The encouraging thing is that nothing I have done or ever will do can frustrate God's plans. He is reigning and His will WILL be accomplished for my life.
"O LORD, God of our fathers, are you not God in heaven? You rule over all the kingdoms of the nations. In your hand are power and might, so that none is able to withstand you." 2 Chron 20:6
Praise God that none can withstand you!
Throughout my struggles with pain, my husband has often reminded me of the story of King Jehoshaphat in 2 Chronicles 20. In this passage the enemies of Irsrael (the Moabites and Ammonites) are going to invade, but the Spirit of the Lord tells them that the battle is the Lord's and they don't need to fight, but rather to stand firm and watch God save them from their attackers! Not only did the Lord destroy their enemies for them, but he also greatly blessed them with all the goods from their enemies. In fact it took them three days to gather all the goods that that the Lord gave them through this defeat!
Since my appointment yesterday I have felt like Jehoshaphat in 2 Chronicles 20:12 "we do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you." I have been convicted because I have been fighting so hard. Fighting to fix myself....to be normal again. But no matter what I do or don't do God is the one who is fighting for me.
"Thus says the LORD to you, 'Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed at this great horde, for the battle is not yours but God's." 2 Chron 20:15
I know I haven't let God fight for me like I should. I believe that God is in control yet I feel like I need to somehow control the situation too. I am sorry Lord, forgive me. The encouraging thing is that nothing I have done or ever will do can frustrate God's plans. He is reigning and His will WILL be accomplished for my life.
"O LORD, God of our fathers, are you not God in heaven? You rule over all the kingdoms of the nations. In your hand are power and might, so that none is able to withstand you." 2 Chron 20:6
Praise God that none can withstand you!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Birthday and Reflections
Today is my birthday. I am 29 years old. Over the last couple of years I feel like my body has aged so much that I should be older. I always tend to reflect a little on my birthday thinking about some of my favorite birthday memories or looking at pictures. I tend to reflect a lot these days. I often look back at pictures labeling them my "pre-pain days". I'll say things like, "that's when I used to be normal." I am quickly forgetting what it felt like to be normal. But I sure wish I could feel that way again. I think it about it too much and I know it's wrong. When these thoughts come I try to remind myself of this Bible verse:
"Do not say, "Why is it that the former days were better than these?" For it is not from wisdom that you ask about this." Ecclesiastes 7:10
Not only does it do nothing for my pain to think longingly upon the way my life used to be it's also wrong. I am not wise. I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, but God does. He knew before I was born that on my 29th birthday I would be suffering with this chronic pain. And He didn't just know He planned it for me.
"And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them." Psalm 139:16
And He didn't just plan it for me, He did it for my good.
"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28
" He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? " Romans 8:32
And that is why I can have joy on my 29th birthday and everyday. I can look ahead with hope as I await the good plans God has in store for me and not only for this life, but even more so for the life to come thanks to Jesus' death on the cross! This anticipation far outweighs any memories of my "normal" days.
"Do not say, "Why is it that the former days were better than these?" For it is not from wisdom that you ask about this." Ecclesiastes 7:10
Not only does it do nothing for my pain to think longingly upon the way my life used to be it's also wrong. I am not wise. I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, but God does. He knew before I was born that on my 29th birthday I would be suffering with this chronic pain. And He didn't just know He planned it for me.
"And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them." Psalm 139:16
And He didn't just plan it for me, He did it for my good.
"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28
" He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? " Romans 8:32
And that is why I can have joy on my 29th birthday and everyday. I can look ahead with hope as I await the good plans God has in store for me and not only for this life, but even more so for the life to come thanks to Jesus' death on the cross! This anticipation far outweighs any memories of my "normal" days.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Talk to Yourself
After yesterday's depressing post I was thinking about a sermon my friend told me about. It's by CJ Mahaney, a great pastor in Baltimore at Covenant Life Church. It's entitled The Troubled Soul: God's Word and Our Feelings and is based on Psalm 42. If you are going through a rough time or even if you're not, pick up a Bible right now and read Psalm 42. You will be encouraged.
In this sermon Mahaney says when your soul is troubled you need to do two things:
1. Talk to yourself
2. Talk to God
He uses a quote from D. Martin Lloyd Jones, a British Pastor who was first a medical doctor, in his book Spiritual Depression:
So, what should you say to yourself? You have to preach God's truth to yourself. When a thought of worry comes to mind, you say "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5) Mahaney says that our circumstances lie to us. If we look only at our circumstances we think that God isn't faithful or good or that He's forgotten us.
And of course talking to God through prayer is essential to soothe the troubled soul. God wants us to speak His promises from the Bible back to Him. We say, "God you said you would never leave us or foresake us(Hebrews 13:5) but it sure feels like I'm alone right now...HELP ME!"
Mahaney reminds us that one good way to both talk to yourself and talk to God is to sing songs of praise. I love to listen to music. When I am having a particularly painful or worrisome day, if I turn on music and sing; it uplifts my soul. Talking to ourselves and talking to God is definitely a discipline and it will take practice, but great will be our reward if we trust Him.
You can listen to the sermon in full here I hope this encourages and challenges you like it did me!
In this sermon Mahaney says when your soul is troubled you need to do two things:
1. Talk to yourself
2. Talk to God
He uses a quote from D. Martin Lloyd Jones, a British Pastor who was first a medical doctor, in his book Spiritual Depression:
"Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself."All day long we carry a conversation with ourselves. From the time we wake up till the time we go to bed we are talking to ourselves (talking about what we did, what we will do, what we should do, etc) and in turn listening to ourselves. For example I may say to myself, "what has happened to me is not fair" and I may say back, "it's so awful, look at so and so they have it so easy. How am I going to live like this?!"
So, what should you say to yourself? You have to preach God's truth to yourself. When a thought of worry comes to mind, you say "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5) Mahaney says that our circumstances lie to us. If we look only at our circumstances we think that God isn't faithful or good or that He's forgotten us.
And of course talking to God through prayer is essential to soothe the troubled soul. God wants us to speak His promises from the Bible back to Him. We say, "God you said you would never leave us or foresake us(Hebrews 13:5) but it sure feels like I'm alone right now...HELP ME!"
Mahaney reminds us that one good way to both talk to yourself and talk to God is to sing songs of praise. I love to listen to music. When I am having a particularly painful or worrisome day, if I turn on music and sing; it uplifts my soul. Talking to ourselves and talking to God is definitely a discipline and it will take practice, but great will be our reward if we trust Him.
You can listen to the sermon in full here I hope this encourages and challenges you like it did me!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
"God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen"
"God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen" is probably my favorite Christmas carols. I have been doing some reading about it and had never really noticed the comma that is before gentlemen. This changes the meaning...it doesn't mean that this is addressed to happy gentlemen (like I think most of us think). The word "rest" orignally meant "keep" or "make" and some claim that "merry" meant "mighty". So if you take this in to account the carol would go more like:
"God keep or make you mighty (or merry), gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay,
Remember Christ our Savior
was born on Christmas Day!"
I find this very encouraging especially as I struggle with chronic pain. We have nothing to be downhearted or depressed about because Christ was born on Christmas! And even more important is the fact that God knows that we can't do this on our own....He will keep us and make us merry and mighty!
May you all find much peace and joy this holiday season as we celebrate the birth of our Savior!
"God keep or make you mighty (or merry), gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay,
Remember Christ our Savior
was born on Christmas Day!"
I find this very encouraging especially as I struggle with chronic pain. We have nothing to be downhearted or depressed about because Christ was born on Christmas! And even more important is the fact that God knows that we can't do this on our own....He will keep us and make us merry and mighty!
May you all find much peace and joy this holiday season as we celebrate the birth of our Savior!
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
3 years ago today...
I married the man of my dreams. We met serving as missionaries in Africa and spent most of our courtship long distance so we talked/emailed a lot. We talked about our dreams of having a big family and serving overseas again. We KNEW that was God's plan for us. We couldn't wait to get back to the mission field ASAP! But obviously that isn't God's plan for us (at least not right now). I remember when we were writing our wedding vows I really wanted to include "in sickness and in health". Being a nurse I have watched many old men men and women care for their spouse in times of suffering. I thought when we are old like that, I want to remember our vows and care for each other even in sickness. Little did I know that only 11 months into our marriage I would begin to experience pain. In our short marriage we have had some hard times, but not as hard as others that's for sure. I am so blessed to have an amazing, caring, and thoughtful husband. He does so much to help take care of me and our daughter. And he never complains or makes me feel bad. And the thing is, he is suffering too. Not physically, but he is suffering the loss of hopes and dreams. Yet he holds fast to the Lord and brings me back to Him when I am weary.
Isn't that what marriage is all about....being a living example of Christ and His Church? Not romance and ease and happy feelings, but loving each other no matter what happens in this life. And as the bride it is my job to serve and follow my husband wherever he leads. We long to serve God in full time Christian ministry and I often feel like my physical condition prohibits me from serving God. But I am reminded today that I have a ministry, even in my marriage, to live out to the world (or maybe just the check out lady at Walmart) the example of Christ and His bride. I used to worry about who I would marry and if I would marry. But God provided a wonderful husband for me . Now I worry about future a lot....what will we do for ministry, where will we live, will I suffer like this forever, how will I take care of my daughter. But God will provide in these areas, just as He provided my husband. We thought we had big plans when we got married, but God's ways are much better and they never disappoint.
"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." Proverbs 19:21
Isn't that what marriage is all about....being a living example of Christ and His Church? Not romance and ease and happy feelings, but loving each other no matter what happens in this life. And as the bride it is my job to serve and follow my husband wherever he leads. We long to serve God in full time Christian ministry and I often feel like my physical condition prohibits me from serving God. But I am reminded today that I have a ministry, even in my marriage, to live out to the world (or maybe just the check out lady at Walmart) the example of Christ and His bride. I used to worry about who I would marry and if I would marry. But God provided a wonderful husband for me . Now I worry about future a lot....what will we do for ministry, where will we live, will I suffer like this forever, how will I take care of my daughter. But God will provide in these areas, just as He provided my husband. We thought we had big plans when we got married, but God's ways are much better and they never disappoint.
"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." Proverbs 19:21
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