I am a follower of Jesus and am confident that God is in control of all things and has a purpose for my life. If I weren't I don't know if I could endure the chronic pain, disappointment, and frustration that has become my new normal. There is much suffering in this world, but I hope that by sharing some of my experiences and the truths of the Bible others might find hope and encouragement. Leave comments or email me at purposeofpain@gmail.com and I'd be happy to talk with you. So here's my story...
In November 2008, about the time I got pregnant with my first and only child, I began having some pain with intercourse. It began 2 weeks after discontinuing the hormonal contraceptive, which I had used for 2 years, Nuva Ring. It literally came out of the blue! Six months into my pregnancy, I was diagnosed by a specialist with generalized vulvodynia thought to be due to pregnancy hormonal changes and increased blood flow. The specialist thought that after childbirth I would return to normal. I worried that this was not correct because my symptoms began right at conception or maybe even before so it seemed unlikely to me that hormonal changes and increased blood flow would have caused such rare pain. Now, looking back I think it was coincidental (or rather providential) that I got pregnant at this time. My pregnancy was pretty miserable I had a lot of burning pain and swelling, but by God’s grace I made it through!
In August 2009 I delivered a healthy baby girl and had a 2nd degree tear. Post childbirth I had pain from the tear site, but like the specialist said most of my vulvodynia symptoms were better. However, about 6 months postpartum I was still having a lot of pain with intercourse, running/jumping (I was trying to get back into exercising again), occasionally wearing jeans was uncomfortable for me, and I just didn't feel like my tear site had healed properly. I went back to my OBGYN who "burned" off excess scar tissue with silver nitrate that remained from my tear and I was referred to physical therapy because a lot of my pelvic floor muscles were really "tight". I often wish I had not gone back to my OB because the pain I was experiencing then was nothing compared to the pain I experience now. This PT specialized in pelvic floor dysfunction and felt like my pelvic floor muscles were very tight. She also said that my pelvis was "out of alignment" and I had sacroiliac joint dysfunction (SIJD). She thought that might be contributing to my pelvic floor pain (even though my pain wasn’t in the sacroiliac area). She aligned my SI joint with a manipulation and 36 hours later I woke up with intense sacral area burning and pain with sitting (to the point I couldn't sit for very long). I began having some vulvodynia symptoms similar to pregnancy, but I thought the vaginal pain might be related to my hormones changing again because I had recently weaned my daughter from nursing. Unfortunately that was not the case.
Thus began the journey I am on today to learn a new "normal" and management strategy for my pain. I have seen many healthcare practitioners, but unfortunately due to the complex nature of my pain I've had to research my symptoms and be my own advocate. Thankfully I am an R.N. by training and having some medical knowledge has helped immensely! I've received several different diagnoses throughout the years, but the most accurate ones seem to be SIJD (hypermobility, but I don't meet the criteria for Ehlers Danlos Syndrome), pudendal neuralgia, and central sensitization (when the nervous system becomes hypersensitive to pain).
In 2012 I began having a lot of hip pain and found out I have bilateral labral hip tears and femoroacetabular impingement. I had surgery on my left side (also the side where most of pelvic floor and SIJD pain is located), but it proved to not help much. I have tried more treatments than I can count: nerve blocks/injections, pelvic floor botox, extracorporeal shockwave therapy, thousands of dollars of physical therapy, FAI/labral repair hip surgery, a couple ketamine infusions, massage, dry-needling, diet eliminations, essential oils, CBD oil, and of course medications and supplements. So far nothing has helped very much and some treatments have actually mad me worse.
My symptoms vary depending on the day and what is most aggravated, but they include: pain with sitting more than a few minutes, burning in my pelvic floor and sacral area, burning pain in my sacrum when lying on my back, pain with bending/squatting/lifting/pushing/pulling, pain with static standing, occasionally pain with walking, and burning/hypersensitivity in my feet and legs. My muscles all over my body are often so tight they feel more like guitar strings. I've even had debilitating headaches and neck pain due to widespread weakness and muscle compensation. How do I find relief? In an epsom salt filled warm bath or lying on my side or preferably my stomach.
I have been unable to work as a nurse since 2011 and our life looks much different than we ever hoped as we had planned to return to overseas missionary service by now (my husband and I met while serving in Africa). Since 2014 we have moved 3 times for my husband's job. God has given me a lot of grace and strength as we have been away from family though, and has allowed me to maintain my pain through a lot of lifestyle modifications at a daily level of 3-4/10 on most days with occasional flare-ups and increased pain in the evenings. This in no way looks like a normal life, but it has become my "normal".
In January of 2020 my pain flared to new levels and I began to experience pain I hadn't experienced before including: burning in my legs and arms, feeling like I cannot regulate my body temperature, and horrible insomnia that brought on a lot of anxiety and some depression I have never experienced before. Interestingly I seem to have some hormonal changes going on, but how all this fits together is still a mystery. My pain management doctor thinks I am primarily dealing with symptoms of complex regional pain syndrome, which I have had some symptoms of before but they seemed to go away. My CRPS presents differently than normal cases due to the injury being in the pelvis and not an arm or leg. Sympathetic nervous system injections have been offered to me, but I tend to have increased pain with anything that is invasive and inflicts pain on my body. There have been times before where my pain has flared (never to this level) so even though it is hard to have hope, I know it is possible for God to calm my central nervous system down again and to be able to manage my pain better.
I do not know that I will ever be pain free again this side of Heaven, but I am striving to find my joy and peace in God alone. I am confident that He will fulfill His purpose for me (Psalm 138:8) with or without chronic pain. No matter what this life holds for me I rest knowing that he is working all things together for my good and His glory. My hope is that you will find your rest in Him as well.
I have been unable to work as a nurse since 2011 and our life looks much different than we ever hoped as we had planned to return to overseas missionary service by now (my husband and I met while serving in Africa). Since 2014 we have moved 3 times for my husband's job. God has given me a lot of grace and strength as we have been away from family though, and has allowed me to maintain my pain through a lot of lifestyle modifications at a daily level of 3-4/10 on most days with occasional flare-ups and increased pain in the evenings. This in no way looks like a normal life, but it has become my "normal".
In January of 2020 my pain flared to new levels and I began to experience pain I hadn't experienced before including: burning in my legs and arms, feeling like I cannot regulate my body temperature, and horrible insomnia that brought on a lot of anxiety and some depression I have never experienced before. Interestingly I seem to have some hormonal changes going on, but how all this fits together is still a mystery. My pain management doctor thinks I am primarily dealing with symptoms of complex regional pain syndrome, which I have had some symptoms of before but they seemed to go away. My CRPS presents differently than normal cases due to the injury being in the pelvis and not an arm or leg. Sympathetic nervous system injections have been offered to me, but I tend to have increased pain with anything that is invasive and inflicts pain on my body. There have been times before where my pain has flared (never to this level) so even though it is hard to have hope, I know it is possible for God to calm my central nervous system down again and to be able to manage my pain better.
I do not know that I will ever be pain free again this side of Heaven, but I am striving to find my joy and peace in God alone. I am confident that He will fulfill His purpose for me (Psalm 138:8) with or without chronic pain. No matter what this life holds for me I rest knowing that he is working all things together for my good and His glory. My hope is that you will find your rest in Him as well.
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Romans 8:28,31-32
