Last week I was sick with a nasty virus/cold of some sort. I didn't eat hardly anything for 3 days and was so weak and felt so chilled that I couldn't hardly get out of bed from under my heating blanket! Praise God, I'm starting to feel like myself again, even though that self is still full of pain.
While I was suffering last week I remember thinking, "thank you God I don't feel like this all the time!" Being sick and hardly able to raise my head helps put a life of chronic pain in perspective. When I'm really down physically I often think if I can just get back to where I was before then I'll be happy. Unfortunately that's not usually the case though.
During the first two weeks of my recovery from FAI/labral hip tear surgery I was so scared I was developing CRPS or a worsening of central sensitization. I couldn't walk, my operative leg was darker and my legs were burning worse than normal. I remember praying that God would just allow me to be able to stand and walk again. I thought, with that I will be satisfied.
I am walking now and while I am not 100% back to my pre-op self, I am functioning decently for my "normal" limitations. But, guess what? I still want MORE! Yes, I'm happy and so thankful I can walk short distances again but I want to be able to walk through the grocery store without my hip feeling locked up, my sacrum burning, and that stabbing pain in my thoracic area. I want my full strength back.
Last week I heard the song, "Your Grace is Enough" by Matt Maher (you can listen to part of his story behind the song here).
Some of the lyrics:
Great is your faithfulness, oh God
You wrestle with the sinner's restless heart
You lead us by still waters and to mercy
And nothing can keep us apart
So remember your people
Remember your children
Remember your promise, oh God
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough, for me
Then it hit me. Do I REALLY believe God's grace is enough? Or even more, am I satisfied with God's grace for me? The truth is, I have to be because that's all I'm promised in this life.
God doesn't promise our lives will be easy or go the way we desire, that we'll get the job, have children, or be healed from debilitating pain. But He does promise to give us enough grace to withstand life's hardships.
But he [the Lord] said to me [apostle Paul], "My grace is enough for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9, NET)
When it doesn't feel like His grace is enough, I am leaning too much on my own strength. Because when we look to God and ask Him for strength, He will never withhold it from His children. And His grace is enough.
O for grace to trust Him more! ("Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus")