Living Life in the "Sidelines"

It never seems to fail that after I blog about or publicly proclaim God's provision and goodness that Satan tempts me to despair. Yesterday was one of those days - a frustrating doctor's appointment, increased pain levels, a sick daughter (who by the way is normally extremely healthy - HUGE praise for that!), inability to get the massage I had scheduled, finding out we will have to wait 3 weeks to hear about the job my husband interviewed for, falling for a scam, etc. etc.

So what did my heart do? It turned to worry and doubt. I cried and felt panicky. I got frustrated with my husband who tried to preach the truth to me and I wallowed in self-pity. A family friend recommended a book by missionary to India, Amy Carmichael, called Rose from Brier which was written for those suffering during her days of illness. I thought I had heard Amy Carmichael suffered physically, but I did not know her story, so I did some research and found a book preview on Google Books called Amy Carmichael: Let the Little Children Come by Lois Hoadley Dick that shared some of her suffering:

"Diamond –crystalized carbon, the hardest substance in existence. It has been through the fire. The diamonds that reflect the most light have received the roughest treatment. Yet the greatest care is taken by the jeweler not to damage the stone in any way. Every flaw must be cut out, even a microscopic flaw. 

From 1901 to 1931, Amy had been active and in “spare” time wrote twenty-two books. Then in September 1931, she went to the Hindu town of Kalakadu, about four miles north of Dohnavur, to inspect a house called haunted, which was offered to them as an outpost for some of their workers. In her quiet time with the Lord that morning she had prayed, “Do with me as Thou wilt. Do anything, Lord, that will fit me to serve Thee and help my beloveds.” 

That evening, while walking around the house at Kalakadu, God began to answer her prayer. She slipped and fell into a pit dug by coolies in the wrong spot. Her leg was broken and her ankle dislocated. Acute neuritis later disabled one arm. Arthritic pain of the spine set in, and for twenty years she rarely left her room and was never without pain. Another fall in her room broke her hip and arm. The last two years of her life she could not get out of bed. The slightest moving was almost impossible, and drugs no longer controlled the constant pain.  

Answered prayer? Amy had prayed, “Do anything, Lord.” And he continued to facet the diamond.

Her family, who had been used to seeing her hurry about her work like a hare, found it hard to accept the situation. Amy was still active, but her activity was confined to one room, and it was activity of the inner life."

I have downloaded the Kindle sample of  Rose from Brier and it does look to be very encouraging.

Also encouraging while researching about Amy Carmichael, I came across a blog of a fellow suffering servant and was particularly convicted by this post. Struggling with a chronic illness and recovering from a miscarriage, she says she felt like she was "sitting on the sidelines of life". That is exactly how I felt last night! I kept saying, "what is the purpose in me laying around the house all day in my pajamas (the only clothes that don't inflict too much pain)?". I feel like I'm just sitting on the sidelines waiting to get better or for God to change our situation so I can join the rest of the world in living life and serving God! But like the author says, this isn't the sidelines - lying on my couch in my pajamas on July 26, 2012 is where God has me right now for a purpose. She says, "living in a place of dependence on Him, is a blessed place to be." Like Amy Carmichael, there is much work to be done on the inner life and this can be accomplished in one room with a failing body. It may not feel blessed, but that's where God's word comes in.

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9

God's in control of my days, His ways are good, and not a single minute "on the side-lines" is wasted.

In the Raw: An Update & Prayer Requests

Sometimes I'm afraid my blog posts come across as though I have it all together. I give glimpses into my life, but I often package it in nice neat devotionals and Bible verses. That is good and that's my goal. I want the focus of this blog to be on God and not myself. I want to remember His truths and find purpose in my pain from Him. But I feel I need to be a little raw today.

Three weeks ago I finished an intensive week-long alternative treatment to treat my pelvic pain. The treatment was brutal - the most painful experience of my life! But I had talked with others who the treatment helped greatly so, despite the large price tag, we prayed and felt like it was the right treatment to pursue. Thankfully our church and community "suffered" with us (1 Corinthians 12:26) making the trip financially feasible. Recovery from the treatment has been slow. Most people who have undergone this treatment feel some relief by now, but I'm still in more pain than I was pre-treatment. The doctor says it's still possible I will see some relief in the next 2 weeks, but even if I do, he said to think of my recovery in terms of years. My body is a mess and it's not just going to magically fix itself overnight, outside a miraculous work of God. This treatment was intended to be a "jumpstart" so to speak and even if it helps, I will likely require more treatments and therapy with local providers.

While we did put together a few more pieces of the puzzle (thanks to the MRI which showed scar tissue near the left pudendal nerve that seems to match my symptoms) of my rare and difficult to treat condition, there are many more unanswered questions. I have multiple issues: sacroiliac joint dysfunction (SIJD) due to ligament laxity of the pelvis (actually the doctor I saw feels quite certain the aggressive PT I had initally back in March 2010 strained/tore one of my posterior pelvic ligaments causing scar tissue to develop), pudendal neuralgia (likely nerve entrapment from scar tissue), and central nervous system sensitization as the chronic pain has become a huge problem leading to more and more pain. The SIJD causes widespread muscle compensation, weakness, and trigger points/adhesions to develop and has lead to pain from my head to my feet. However, we don't know which came first the pudendal neuralgia or the sacroiliac joint dysfunction and honestly I'm not sure what to do about the problem if this treatment doesn't help, other than try my best to manage the pain  and that may be all I can do. Not to mention I am still dealing with some new pain that may or may not be related to my overall pain. I'm trying to be patient and lean on God's grace day by day.

But it's hard.

It's hard when I can't hardly stand up long enough some days to make my daughter a peanut butter and jelly sandwich due to my calve muscles clamping down in knots and no amount of massage, rest, or stretching seems to help. It's frustrating when I can't sit even 7-10 minutes to drive to the warm water pool without constantly wiggling in my cushion in pain. I'm tired of having to contort myself in crazy positions to find a comfortable way to write a blog post or an email to a friend so I can be a little connected to the outside world. I just want to go to church, sit, and soak in the sermon. I want to enjoy playing with my daughter and not feel like I have to hurry up so I can go lie down on the couch to get relief. I'm sick of having to be my own doctor as no one seems to be able to help me know what to do to even manage the pain!


But you know what's bad?

Some days I often don't feel like praying and so I don't. I wake up and think, "I can't take this pain for one more day God, why are you doing this to our family?!" I am often filled with fear - "If it's not your will, God, to take my pain away, how in the world am I going to live with this for the rest of my life? Am I going to get where I am bed bound?" Despite knowing the truth and even "preaching" it to others - that God in control, He loves me, He is working all this for my good, and I can trust Him - I often don't believe it. I don't live it. I'm easily angered. I complain. I feel sorry for myself. I watch episodes of HGTV online instead of reading my Bible.

When in reality this is when I should cling even harder to "the rock that is higher than I" (Psalm 61:2). When I should dig deep into my roots so that my leaves do not wither (Psalm 1:3). When I should pray even more for God's strength in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). When I should rejoice even more that I am sharing in Christ's sufferings and will be glad when His glory is revealed (1 Peter 4:13).

But its hard. And so, I want you to know you are not alone, weary solider. The Christian life is often called the "good fight" (1 Timothy 6:12, 2 Timothy 4:7), not because it's a walk in the park, but because it's hard and unfortunately it will continue to be hard until Jesus returns and the battle is done for the children of God. But "When Trials Come", as the lyrics to this great song remind us, we can rest assured that Jesus has known our battles and our confidence can rest in Him.



How can you listen to this song and not be encouraged?! The lyrics can be found here 

What songs boost your faith in hard times?

Prayer Requests:

• Pray that God would sustain us and we would find our hope in Him.
• Pray that we would see some benefit from the treatment.
• In the next two weeks I am going to see my PTs (after several months off) and my pelvic pain   doctor as well as a new primary doctor (praying this works out as I really need a good primary doc). Pray for wisdom on the doctors behalf that they will help me be able to figure out how to manage my pain better and what treatments (if any) should be tried.
• Pray for continued strength for my husband as He is suffering as well.
• Over the last several weeks I've been made aware of even more people suffering around me in my own community. I've been burdened for some time for the need of a chronic illness ministry at our church. If this is something God wants me to start, pray He would give me strength to be able to pursue this in the coming months.

Don't Lose Heart Praying!

Each week in our small group at church we pass around a piece of paper to list prayer requests. Week after week my husband and I seem to write the same requests - pray for wisdom about future medical treatments, that God would provide for us financially, either through disability (which won't be a possibility for at least a year as we wait for a hearing date) or a job promotion for my husband, and that He would give me less pain and a better quality of life.

Yesterday we received disappointing news that one of these requests will not be answered the way we had hoped.  The promotion my husband believed was only a couple of months away will not become a possibility for at least another year, and even then he doesn't know what the pay will be or if he will be one of two people selected for the position. We felt crushed. My first thoughts were, what is God doing? Doesn't He see that we can't pay our bills? How will we continue to afford medical treatment (especially since all my treatment options are so expensive)? Why can't we just have one prayer answered the way we hoped?!

Most (obviously not all) requests eventually are removed from prayer lists:  Prayer for safety while traveling - either the person arrives safely or by God's providence they don't. Prayer for wisdom about applying for a new job - the person uses the wisdom God gives (if they seek Him) to apply or not. Prayer for a sick child (i.e. stomach virus, cold, etc) - by God's grace they usually get better in time. Even cancer - eventually the person goes into remission, or sadly they die.

Few people remain on the prayer list for years and years like those with chronic illness. Despite prayers for healing, or improved quality of life, or even just less pain, those with chronic illness usually continue to suffer to some degree. We often tire of praying for the same requests over and over though, don't we? I do. Let's be honest, in most areas of life, we like to see progression. We like to see the pounds come off, the house get cleaner, the children get smarter, the bank account get larger, and prayers get answered (the way we want), and when we don't we often give up.

But we should never give up praying, and believe me last night (and today even) I didn't feel like praying one word. When I feel like giving up, I am reminded of the parable Jesus told his disciples about a persistent widow.

"And he told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart.  He said, "In a certain city there was a judge who neither feared God nor respected man. And there was a widow in that city who kept coming to him and saying, 'Give me justice against my adversary.' For a while he refused, but afterward he said to himself, 'Though I neither fear God nor respect man, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will give her justice, so that she will not beat me down by her continual coming.'" And the Lord said, "Hear what the unrighteous judge says. And will not God give justice to his elect, who cry to him day and night? Will he delay long over them? I tell you, he will give justice to them speedily. Nevertheless, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on earth?" Luke 18:1-8

We have to be careful not to take this verse out of context. When you want to understand the context of a passage in the Bible, always read what comes before and after the passage. In this case Luke 17:20-37 and Luke 18:8  make clear this passage is set in the context of the last days and the second coming of Jesus. I read a wonderful sermon by Pastor John Piper on this passage that really helped me better understand the point Jesus was trying to make with the parable about the persistent widow.

I think it is tempting to read Luke 18:1-8 and make it say what we want - that if we pray hard enough God will give us exactly what we want. That's not what Jesus is saying at all. In fact it's quite obvious from the fist verse that life will not be easy and all our prayers be answered in a way that makes us happy, otherwise, what would we have to lose heart about? Rather Jesus' concern is that our faith in Him, not the things of this world, would endure till He comes again.

Unlike the judge who didn't fear God, God is ALWAYS just (Deuteronomy 32:4), not only when we bug Him to death. And if this judge, who is a sinful man, can show justice to a woman he doesn't even know, how much more will God care for His children, or chosen elect, who cry out to Him continually? If God has taken care of our biggest need - salvation - surely we can trust Him with lesser "needs" and desires  (Romans 8:31-39). After all scripture tells us, "Those who seek the Lord lack no good thing" (Psalm 34:10).

So, even though you don't get the answers you want and life continues to be hard, don't give up praying (I'm preaching this to myself today!). Don't lose heart. Keep fighting the good fight of faith (1 Timothy 6:12) in prayer. God is listening, He cares, and -I don't think I can say this enough- He is ALWAYS working for our good and His glory (Romans 8:28).

"If the answer to every prayer came immediately, how would we ever become acquainted with the Lord Himself? The gifts of the Lord would occupy our attention so much that we would overlook the Lord Himself." Andrew Murray, Absolute Surrender

 

I will Remember Your Wonders

The past few days have been especially difficult. It feels like every muscle in my body is as hard as a guitar string. Without going into all the details, I hurt. Times like these I feel like a bad mother and wife. I don't have the energy to play with my daughter and I don't feel like engaging in a conversation with my husband. I don't cry nearly as often as I used to when pain first entered my life, but tonight is an exception. How will I continue to live a semi-normal life if things continue to progress? How am I going to work an 8 hour nursing shift tomorrow when my feet are killing me? Is this as good as I will ever be, physically, here on this Earth?

I opened up my Bible to read tonight and was greatly encouraged by Psalm 77.

1 To the choirmaster: according to Jeduthun. A Psalm of Asaph. I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, and he will hear me.
2 In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted.*
3 When I remember God, I moan; when I meditate, my spirit faints. Selah
4 You hold my eyelids open; I am so troubled that I cannot speak.
5 I consider the days of old, the years long ago.
6 I said, "Let me remember my song in the night; let me meditate in my heart." Then my spirit made a diligent search:
7 "Will the Lord spurn forever, and never again be favorable?
8 Has his steadfast love forever ceased? Are his promises at an end for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he in anger shut up his compassion?" Selah
10 Then I said, "I will appeal to this, to the years of the right hand of the Most High."
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your wonders of old.
12 I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds.
13 Your way, O God, is holy. What god is great like our God?
14 You are the God who works wonders; you have made known your might among the peoples.
15 You with your arm redeemed your people, the children of Jacob and Joseph. Selah
16 When the waters saw you, O God, when the waters saw you, they were afraid; indeed, the deep trembled.
17 The clouds poured out water; the skies gave forth thunder; your arrows flashed on every side.
18 The crash of your thunder was in the whirlwind; your lightnings lighted up the world; the earth trembled and shook.
19 Your way was through the sea, your path through the great waters; yet your footprints were unseen.
20 You led your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron.
* emphasis mine

It's easy in days like these to get depressed and to look back longingly on the "good" days before chronic pain entered my body. I can begin to question God's love and purpose for me. But like the psalmist I must cling to what is true. When I meditate on the mighty works of God both in my life and throughout the Bible, I can rest assured that God is good and His grace will get me through tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that, no matter what happens.

Never Before

The past week has been rough. My pain has been a lot worse. We've had the cold/cough/sore throat around our house and I've decided chronic pain and "normal" sickness don't go well together.  I've had problems sleeping, and even if I "sleep" 11 hours I wake up feeling like I was beaten up overnight. I tried a new massage therapist, but it was a disappointing experience. I keep thinking if I can just get the right pain management routine I won't have these flare ups so often (at least not the widespread myofasical pain flare ups). I wonder if birth control pills are causing this flare since that's the only thing I've changed lately. Do I stop? Do I continue and add Cymbalta, like the doctors have suggested? I don't want to take Cymbalta. Maybe I'm just really struggling to recuperate from the sickness. I don't know, and I sometimes I fear that this "flare up" isn't a "flare up", but just the new me that progressively worsens.

Such is life with chronic pain. I never before knew there was such a life.

Disappointment and Encouragement

I had a really disappointing doctor's appointment yesterday. I don't feel comfortable sharing details of it on here, but I could really use your prayers.  A lot of tears have been shed and I feel at a loss right now. 

Throughout my struggles with pain, my husband has often reminded me of the story of King Jehoshaphat in 2 Chronicles 20. In this passage the enemies of Irsrael (the Moabites and Ammonites) are going to invade, but the Spirit of the Lord tells them that the battle is the Lord's and they don't need to fight, but rather to stand firm and watch God save them from their attackers! Not only did the Lord destroy their enemies for them, but he also greatly blessed them with all the goods from their enemies. In fact it took them three days to gather all the goods that that the Lord gave them through this defeat!

Since my appointment yesterday I have felt like Jehoshaphat in 2 Chronicles 20:12 "we do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you." I have been convicted because I have been fighting so hard. Fighting to fix myself....to be normal again.  But no matter what I do or don't do God is the one who is fighting for me. 

"Thus says the LORD to you, 'Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed at this great horde, for the battle is not yours but God's." 2 Chron 20:15

I know I haven't let God fight for me like I should. I believe that God is in control yet I feel like I need to somehow control the situation too.  I am sorry Lord, forgive me.  The encouraging thing is that nothing I have done or ever will do can frustrate God's plans. He is reigning and His will WILL be accomplished for my life.

"O LORD, God of our fathers, are you not God in heaven? You rule over all the kingdoms of the nations. In your hand are power and might, so that none is able to withstand you." 2 Chron 20:6

Praise God that none can withstand you!