Guest Post: This Was Not Plan B

Below is a guest post from my friend, Bonnie. For the last year she has been dealing with some health issues that have recently caused great disappointment for her family. See seven truths Bonnie strives to remember when she is tempted to despair. I think you will be encouraged. I sure was!

On Valentine’s Day, we received news that the mission agency we’ve been in the application process with for the past three years denied our acceptance due to my current health situation.  This was definitely one of the top three most disappointing moments in the life of our marriage. The sinking sensation that accompanied the news was the same sort of feeling we experienced when we found out we would likely never have biological children and then a year later when the phone call came telling us our attempted domestic adoption fell through due to the birth mother changing her mind.  Karate kick.  In the gut.

The past two months of sorting through this realization has been perplexing for us, to say the least.  We never had a “Plan B” when it came to our career path as a couple.  For the past 13 years, living overseas in order to share the Gospel with the unreached is all my husband or I have ever wanted to do with our lives.  Over a decade of preparation, schooling, and plans seemed to crash into a wall of a million whys during those early weeks of coming to grips with the reality that our lives and ministries will be looking vastly different than we ever imagined.

I think what has been the hardest thing about this disappointment is the long-term reality of my health situation.  I know I’m not in a good place right now, and we are beginning to realize that it’s really not wise to consider moving overseas with any agency or company until I can get to a place where I’m able to consistently manage my pain. We have spent the past year begging the Lord for healing so that we can pursue career missions.  I have been anointed with oil, and prayed over by our pastors.  Countless friends and family have stood beside us to pray for healing in order that we may be sent out to areas where there is little Gospel witness.  I’ve tried multiple traditional and non-traditional methods to attack my condition from all angles.  We know God can heal and does heal but right now He has chosen not to for some profound reason.  He may heal me tomorrow.  Or He may never.  The reality that our long-term missions plans is taking a turn in a different direction has been a painful shift in our thinking.

God is kind to have given us time in the school of disappointment prior to this news.  Memories have flooded me over the past two months back to lessons formerly learned. I can remember the spring of 2009 driving home from Nashville sobbing beside my hubby with an empty car seat safely secured behind us as we grieved our failed adoption.  After breaking down the nursery and attempting to return the baby items we had purchased for the little guy we thought we were bringing home, we had to get away.  Like, far away where our cell phones didn’t have reception.  So we did what any sensible person would do in such situations and ran for the border- to Canada :)  Standing on the “Maid in the Midst” boat underneath the roar of Niagara Falls, God did something profound in my heart in the midst of that deep pain and disappointment.  He spoke peace, and comfort, and assurance from
Psalm 93:3-4:“The seas have lifted up, O LORD, the seas have lifted up their voice; the seas have lifted up their pounding waves.  Mightier than the thunder of the great   waters, mightier than the breakers of the sea- the LORD on high is mighty.”

And as I have remembered that time, I am reminded that once again God on high is mightier than this current storm in our souls and that He is with us.  He is walking beside us in our disappointment with a comfort and peace that surpasses understanding. 

Another glimpse into past lessons learned reminds me that through the disappointment of infertility God did something far more beautiful in the life of our family than I could ever have dreamed.  Adoption wasn’t plan  “B” for us.  It was... always... in the heart of  God. His good and perfect plan for our family.  As I contemplate that, I’m reminded that this current loss of a career missions dream is no different.  This wasn’t plan “B” for us.  He is sovereignly working out something beautiful for our future that we just can’t understand right now just as He worked infertility for our good by allowing us to adopt our two beautiful children from Ethiopia.

I have to confess the past two months have been pretty up and down emotionally.  One day we’re thrilled for what God has next and excited to see what doors He opens up.  The next moment, we are so deeply saddened and burdened to not be able to be on the front lines of ministry that we just want to cry.  Other days there’s just numbness to the whole thing and a desire to just block out the pain and not even think about it.  There is a proper time to grieve, and to be sad over lost dreams.  We don’t have to walk around with a stiff upper lip to the sorrows that beset us in life.  We can pour out our hearts to God and others by keeping it real.  And He promises to comfort.  And then- you gotta move on.  To a place where you live out hope on the steadfast promises of God even when your circumstances confound you. 

My heart WANTS to hold to His promises when my emotions and the world and Satan tell me to despair.  I long to fight the fears that lie ahead and the doubts inside that say nothing good can come from this.  I want to be steadfast in hope in the midst of disappointment even when my weepy heart just wants to eat chocolate and wallow in sadness.  God is not ripping us off.  So when I get those feelings, Lord, help me to remember....


#1-God is good.  He is absolutely, unequivocally working on behalf of the good of His children.  ALWAYS. 

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

 #2- God is wise.  He sees the end from the beginning and there is no telling what He is protecting us (and you!) from when he says “no” to the things we so deeply desire. 

“Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!” Romans 11:33 

#3- God is sovereign. He gives, and He takes away.  He opens the womb and He closes it.  He appoints men to ministry positions and He denies them.  He opens doors for jobs and He shuts them.  He sustains life and He takes it.  He lets adoptions go through and He allows others to fail. And all of this stems from His amazing love for us. 

“John answered, “A person cannot receive even one thing unless it is given him from heaven.” John 3:27

#4- God is our Redeemer.  When we look at Scripture and the ways He has on countless occasions turned painful situations for the good of His children (ie: Abraham, Joseph, Daniel, Moses, Paul), how can we not trust He will do likewise in our own lives? Our little Ethiopian miracles remind me everyday that He is a redeeming God.  I don’t understand how He’s going to work my physical trials and our loss of dreams for our good but I’m banking my hope that He will redeem this sorrow because He says He will. 

“O Israel, hope in the Lord! For with the Lord there is steadfast love, and with him is plentiful redemption. And he will redeem Israel from all his iniquities.” Psalm 130:7-8

#5- God is our Refiner.  He loves us too much to leave us as we are.  He knows exactly what it will take to bring His children to deeper places of trust and reliance on Him.  He uses all of our disappointments in life to bring out what is truly deep in our hearts.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  He wants to purify us, and our holiness is His pursuit far above our physical happiness. 

“Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness.” Hebrews 12:10

#6- Christ is our identity.  On days when my body aches and I physically can’t do all that I long to, this truth brings me so much hope. I could never do enough good to outweigh my bad.  Never.  I was a slave to sin and separated from God because of my rebellion.  Christ took all of my sin and shame on the cross, so that I can have a right relationship with Him forever.  So that I can love Him and commune with Him, and be near Him for all eternity.  My identity is not in the titles I do or do not hold such as “mother”, “wife”, “missionary”, or “teacher” but in my ultimate standing as “child of God”!

“See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are.” 1 John 3:1

#7- God is our hope.  I’m sure this will not be the last time in life that we will walk through seasons of grief and disappointment.  If all of our hope was placed on our dreams we would be sorely disappointed.  Over, and over again.  Material possessions, and plans, and dreams cannot be the source of our joy, satisfaction, and trust.  Our relationship with Christ and the knowledge of His true and steadfast character is THE only thing in this fallen world that will give us lasting hope.  All other cisterns will run dry and disappoint. 

“O Israel, hope in the Lord! For with the Lord there is steadfast love, and with him is plentiful redemption.” Psalm 130:7

Thank you Lord that you indeed are a good, wise, sovereign, redeeming, refining God of hope in whom we can place all of our trust.  Thank you that indeed goodness and mercy are following us as your children all the days of our lives even when our circumstances confound us (Psalm 23:6).  Thank you that though we walk dimly here on earth in the midst of a thousand perplexing “whys” you will one day make all wrong right and reveal to us your infinite wisdom in how you shaped our circumstances to protect us and to make us more like You.  Thank you that you are a good God; worthy of our trust and of our very lives.  Help us to honor you in this new season of change, Lord and to bank all of our hopes on You.

A "Senless Tragedy"? Thoughts on the Boston Marathon Bombings

Over the last several days I have noticed while reading the news coverage of the Boston Marathon bombings that took place this past Monday that the most common phrase used to describe this event is "senseless tragedy". From President Obama (who called it a senseless loss in his initial statement) to former presidential candidate Mitt Romney's son to a former NFL football player to even Pope Francis.

What happened in Boston was tragic. Tragic to those involved, to those watching on television, and to all of us as our eyes are opened (once again) to the wickedness of the world in which we live.

But were the bombings senseless?

Did they have no meaning or purpose? Was it just a random act of fate?

Obviously the bombings were not senseless to those carrying out the attack. No matter how illogical their motive might be to us, there was a purpose to the bombers. But more importantly we know that the bombings were not pointless to God, even though we may not understand "why". Whether God ordains an event or permits it, He is still in control and He has a plan.

The Bible tells us over and over that nothing happens arbitrarily, even the most disastrous events are not out of God's control (Isaiah 45:7). Even the roll of a dice when I am playing a game with my daughter is determined by God (Proverbs 16:33). The people who were running in the Boston Marathon or on the sidelines were not there randomly. Where we live and where we travel on a daily basis does not happen by chance (Acts 17:24-28). We make plans every day, but the Lord directs our steps (Proverbs 16:9). We know that God can do ANYTHING. He can take one of his biggest persecutors of His church and turn them into a missionary (Acts 9), and He can even stay the hand of a bomber (Daniel 4:35). No purpose of His can be thwarted (Job 42:2). And God often uses seemingly evil acts to bring about His good purposes (Genesis 50:20).

Randy Alcorn said in his book "If God is Good Why Do We Hurt" (a short booklet based off his larger work, "If God is Good: Faith in the Midst of Suffering and Evil."),

"We sometimes view the intense suffering caused by such horrible evil as being totally pointless. But our failure to see the point in extreme suffering doesn't prove there is no point. ....The Bible indicates that God will not permit anything to happen that he can't use to bring ultimate good to his people and to glorify himself. ...On the cross Jesus suffered the worst pain in history. Yet that event will forever remain at the center of our worship and wonder. If God used the most terrible event in history for eternal good, might he not use less terrible events in our lives for eternal good?" (p. 46-47)
 

Telling a victim of the Boston Marathon bombing that their family member died of a "senseless tragedy" offers absolutely no hope to the suffering. My pain doesn't make sense. We will probably never understand exactly what caused my pain to begin and why I have to continue to suffer, but to tell me my pain is senseless only leaves me angered and discouraged.

This is why our words are so important when comforting the suffering. We don't have to understand the "whys" to give hope to the hurting. We just have to trust that the one who upholds the universe by the word of his power (Hebrews 1:3) ordained every one our days before even one of them came to be (Psalm 139:16), and know that He is working all things together for good (Romans 8:28).

The kind people at Eternal Perspective Ministries have given me some copies of Randy Alcorn's "If God is Good Why Do We Hurt?" I would LOVE to give away 3 copies of this great booklet. I keep it close to my bed and pull it out for quick reference in times of discouragement or despondence. It never fails to encourage me to trust our Sovereign God.

UPDATE: GIVEAWAY CLOSED

The first three people to leave a comment on this post will receive a copy of this great resource. After leaving a comment, please email me at purposeofpain (at) gmail (dot) com and send me your mailing address.

May we continue to strive to trust our loving God and find hope in His purposeful providence in this fallen world.

Guest Post - "The Doing of Christmas"

I am a doer, and I come from a long line of doers. Despite being in their late 70’s, my grandparents get up every day with a list of things to do, and they don’t stop until it is checked twice. The holidays are a busy time for my extended family. We usually gather together four times over a 2 week period to celebrate family, gifts, and my grandmother’s baked Christmas goodies.

Before my chronic pain, I enjoyed the 8 hour Christmas Day marathon of eating, unwrapping presents, and playing games. I loved joining my family in the busyness of the Christmas season – shopping, baking, decorating, and ministering to those in need with the Church. But now, even normal everyday tasks are often a challenge for me and sitting is torture, which often makes family gatherings miserable.

I am no longer able to be a “doer”.

It’s easy to get sucked into the mentality that Christmas = busyness, and if you are not involved in the hustle and bustle of taking your children to all the Christmas traditions you enjoyed then you aren’t really celebrating Christmas. And it’s even more tempting to think that you aren’t serving God if you can’t ring bells for the Salvation Army, buy clothing for a needy family or cook a meal for the local homeless shelter.

But what does God say about doing and being busy?

 

To read the rest of my post go to Finding Purpose in the Pain where I am posting today as a contributing writer.

 

Hope

When dealing with a chronic illness, hope is extremely important. I frequent several online forums and support groups and people are constantly encouraging each other to not give up hope. As Larry, a fellow pelvic pain sufferer said, "Hope -- just never gave up hope. I believe hope is just about everything."

Some days it seems my overall pain level can vary based on my outlook and whether or not I feel hopeful (and of course vice versa - if my pain levels are low I obviously feel more hopeful). When I'm going to see a new doctor or even have a massage appointment that I know is not going to "fix" me , I often am encouraged again to have hope because I am doing something and not just laying around in my pajamas another day trying to make the best of it all.

Almost 2 weeks ago I had my infusions. I'll spare you all the details, but let's just say it was an interesting experience. Unfortuantely my doctor had only tried this infusion on one other patient and there was no real protocol in place. The amount of medications they gave me were no where near the amount needed to have any therapeutic effect according to all the research I've read, and the whole experience was a little traumatic. My doctor said not to come back a third day if I didn't have any relief -which I didn't - and I knew there was no point as one more day of such a low dosage wasn't going to have any more effect. I actually left after the 2nd day with more pain, I assume due to the trauma of the whole experience. I am still experiencing more burning in my legs and feet and unfortuantely nothing really gives me any relief from this horrible symptom. I wasn't expecting these infusions to cure me, but I was hopeful to get at least a little relief . I sure didn't expect to have an increase in pain!

To be honest, I've been pretty despondent and discouraged. WHAT is God doing?! WHY can't I find even a little relief? I'm so, so tired of trying to figure out what is wrong with me and how to treat my crazy pain that no one seems to understand (other than all my pelvic pain buddies I've met online - love you guys!). Throw in all my current GI issues and it almost feels like more than I can bear.

I have just tried so many treatments over the years. I've researched, I've prayed, I've tried to seek God's wisdom and I only seem to get worse. I honestly do not know of other treatments I can try apart from flying and spending lots of money to see a specialist who deals with CRPS (chronic regional pain syndrome - which some of my symptoms seem to match) and try more infusions like this or having arthrosopic hip surgery for my labral tear which may or may not fix any of my pain and could make the pain worse if I am truly dealing with CRPS. So is this it? I'm 30 years old. Should I just accept it and pray I can somehow manage the pain for the rest of my life?

I know God is in control and that my hope should be in Him, but it is very hard to feel hopeful when I cannot sit for more than 20-30 minutes (in pain) on a good day and when I can't fall asleep because it feels like my legs are on fire and I can't even stand for them to touch the pillow that is inbetween my legs - the one position in which I used to find some relief. Is this what I have to look forward to - a continual progression of agony?

Then I was convicted the other day - I really have just as much hope when I am lying in bed with worsening pain, uncomfortable burping after each drink of water, and no prospect of future treatment as I do when I am preparring to try a new treatment to rid me of my physical ailments or visting with a doctor or having a less painful day because my hope is in Christ.

I can relate to some of the anguish the writer of Lamentations expresses in chapter 3:

surely against me he [God] turns his hand again and again the whole day long. He has made my flesh and my skin waste away; he has broken my bones; he has besieged and enveloped me with bitterness and tribulation; (v. 3-5)

He has walled me about so that I cannot escape; he has made my chains heavy; though I call and cry for help, he shuts out my prayer;  (v. 7-8)

 my soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say, "My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the LORD."  (v. 17-18)
 

But then the writer remembers:

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD. (Lamentations 3:21-26)
 

As more and more things are made difficult or "taken away" I realize where my hope truly lies. (I never knew how much hope I found in the ability to properly digest until the simple unconcious task of eating and drinking became uncomfortable.) Is it wrong to hope that I can one day sit and eat dinner with my family without pain? No. But if my hope lies only in a having a better body in this lifetime and if I seek that more than I seek God, then I will only be disappointed.  I may never receieve any healing or improvement in my quality of life while I live on this Earth, but I am assured a new body one day because my salvation has been purchased through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ and He is my hope. I may not feel hopeful (and many days I do not), but these truths I must call to mind: "The Lord is my portion, therefore I will hope in him". And  hope in Christ is everything I need.

Don't Lose Heart Praying!

Each week in our small group at church we pass around a piece of paper to list prayer requests. Week after week my husband and I seem to write the same requests - pray for wisdom about future medical treatments, that God would provide for us financially, either through disability (which won't be a possibility for at least a year as we wait for a hearing date) or a job promotion for my husband, and that He would give me less pain and a better quality of life.

Yesterday we received disappointing news that one of these requests will not be answered the way we had hoped.  The promotion my husband believed was only a couple of months away will not become a possibility for at least another year, and even then he doesn't know what the pay will be or if he will be one of two people selected for the position. We felt crushed. My first thoughts were, what is God doing? Doesn't He see that we can't pay our bills? How will we continue to afford medical treatment (especially since all my treatment options are so expensive)? Why can't we just have one prayer answered the way we hoped?!

Most (obviously not all) requests eventually are removed from prayer lists:  Prayer for safety while traveling - either the person arrives safely or by God's providence they don't. Prayer for wisdom about applying for a new job - the person uses the wisdom God gives (if they seek Him) to apply or not. Prayer for a sick child (i.e. stomach virus, cold, etc) - by God's grace they usually get better in time. Even cancer - eventually the person goes into remission, or sadly they die.

Few people remain on the prayer list for years and years like those with chronic illness. Despite prayers for healing, or improved quality of life, or even just less pain, those with chronic illness usually continue to suffer to some degree. We often tire of praying for the same requests over and over though, don't we? I do. Let's be honest, in most areas of life, we like to see progression. We like to see the pounds come off, the house get cleaner, the children get smarter, the bank account get larger, and prayers get answered (the way we want), and when we don't we often give up.

But we should never give up praying, and believe me last night (and today even) I didn't feel like praying one word. When I feel like giving up, I am reminded of the parable Jesus told his disciples about a persistent widow.

"And he told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart.  He said, "In a certain city there was a judge who neither feared God nor respected man. And there was a widow in that city who kept coming to him and saying, 'Give me justice against my adversary.' For a while he refused, but afterward he said to himself, 'Though I neither fear God nor respect man, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will give her justice, so that she will not beat me down by her continual coming.'" And the Lord said, "Hear what the unrighteous judge says. And will not God give justice to his elect, who cry to him day and night? Will he delay long over them? I tell you, he will give justice to them speedily. Nevertheless, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on earth?" Luke 18:1-8

We have to be careful not to take this verse out of context. When you want to understand the context of a passage in the Bible, always read what comes before and after the passage. In this case Luke 17:20-37 and Luke 18:8  make clear this passage is set in the context of the last days and the second coming of Jesus. I read a wonderful sermon by Pastor John Piper on this passage that really helped me better understand the point Jesus was trying to make with the parable about the persistent widow.

I think it is tempting to read Luke 18:1-8 and make it say what we want - that if we pray hard enough God will give us exactly what we want. That's not what Jesus is saying at all. In fact it's quite obvious from the fist verse that life will not be easy and all our prayers be answered in a way that makes us happy, otherwise, what would we have to lose heart about? Rather Jesus' concern is that our faith in Him, not the things of this world, would endure till He comes again.

Unlike the judge who didn't fear God, God is ALWAYS just (Deuteronomy 32:4), not only when we bug Him to death. And if this judge, who is a sinful man, can show justice to a woman he doesn't even know, how much more will God care for His children, or chosen elect, who cry out to Him continually? If God has taken care of our biggest need - salvation - surely we can trust Him with lesser "needs" and desires  (Romans 8:31-39). After all scripture tells us, "Those who seek the Lord lack no good thing" (Psalm 34:10).

So, even though you don't get the answers you want and life continues to be hard, don't give up praying (I'm preaching this to myself today!). Don't lose heart. Keep fighting the good fight of faith (1 Timothy 6:12) in prayer. God is listening, He cares, and -I don't think I can say this enough- He is ALWAYS working for our good and His glory (Romans 8:28).

"If the answer to every prayer came immediately, how would we ever become acquainted with the Lord Himself? The gifts of the Lord would occupy our attention so much that we would overlook the Lord Himself." Andrew Murray, Absolute Surrender

 

The Amazing Race of Faith

The hit TV reality show The Amazing Race season 20 premiere was this past Sunday evening in the States. Teams race around the world completing challenges in hopes of winning a million dollars while having the experience of a lifetime. I got interested in the show when I took a short term mission trip overseas in college and all the missionaries gathered together each week to watch who would be eliminated next. After traveling the world a bit myself, I continue to watch the show, not for the drama and arguing that inevitably occurs, but to see a little of what life is like in the countries they visit.

Bujagali Falls, Nile River (personal photo)

I always thought it would be fun to be an Amazing Race contestant. My husband and I had a pretty unique story, we enjoyed running and hiking together, we loved trying exotic food, I felt confident one of us could do most any of the tasks required, and with our overseas experiences I thought we'd have a great chance of being competitors. It's hard to believe now that I ever could have physically completed one leg of The Amazing Race! My life of traveling, white water rafting the Nile, hiking the Pitons in St. Lucia, riding a camel in the Arabian Desert, and daily running may very well be over as chronic pain has become my constant companion. I was thrilled yesterday that I was able to attend church for one hour, wash some dishes, run an errand, and take my daughter to the library and care for her without help for 6 hours!

I started thinking last night about my own race. Sure, I'm not sky diving or traveling the world, but we are all on a race, or really a marathon. The race began when we were born and the finish line is either life eternal with Jesus or an eternal life of suffering in Hell. The Bible speaks on several occasions of the Christian life as a race.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2

These verses follow the famous "hall of faith" chapter in the Bible, Hebrews 11, where the great faith of Noah, Abraham, Moses, Joseph, Sara and many others is remembered. Hebrews 11:33-34 tells of all the amazing things God did through men of great faith: conquering kingdoms, stopping the mouths of lions, quenching fire, and escaping the sword.  Then in stark contrast verses 35-38 describe men who endured great suffering. It seems very clear that by faith some men escaped the sword while others still keeping great faith were killed by the sword.

Since we have been preceded by such great men and women of faith, we too should throw aside sin and the cares of this world and strive to run the race set before us by faith. I've read Hebrews several times, but I was particularly drawn to these words, set before us, when thinking about the Christian race. I can't help but wonder if these unnamed men of whom the world was not worthy (Hebrews 11:35-38) would not have rather run the amazing race of Noah or Moses. Are there not Christians in our own lives whose races seem much more important or exciting than our own? When weeks go by and I hardly leave my house or have any contact with the outside world I wonder how my race makes a difference.

But God in His loving and all wise providence has designed the race set before each of us for a specific purpose. It may be a race filled with chronic illness and hardship or it may be a life of great adventure clearly seeing God's plans unfold. However, the purpose of the race is not the circumstances involved, but the faith by which we run the race. Not a faith that God will make our situation on this Earth better, but a trust in Jesus, the author of our faith, and in His goodness no matter the race set before us. If we run with endurance, at the finish we will receive the crown of life (James 1:12), and our great reward will be Jesus! This is the real amazing race, not bungee jumping or seeing the wonders of the world, the race of eternal weight and value.

Keep pressing on in faith today in our sovereign, good God no matter the race set before you so that one day we may say with Paul,



"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." 2 Timothy 4:7  

Valentine's Day Without Sex?

(A revised post from last Valentine's day. I can't believe it's been a year since I wrote that post. Time flies whether you are having fun or not!)

Valentine's Day often comes with a mix of emotions for the pelvic pain sufferer, or at least me. It's a holiday with a very confusing history that has become commercialized to encourage lust love. For many couples, V-day activities include going out to eat and having sex: two activities that seem so simple yet often bring dread and pain for those with pelvic pain. It's hard not to feel a little sorry for yourself when the world is shoving lingerie and "KY Intense" down your throat and all you can do is scrounge up enough energy to get your loved one a card.

As a Christian wife who loves my husband and who wants to enjoy intercourse in it's proper bounds (Hebrews 13:4), it's hard not to feel entitled...that I deserve to be able to please my husband like "normal" women. Unfortunately well meaning Christians often produce even more feelings of guilt when they declare that a marriage without sex will fail or that our husbands will be tempted to turn to pornography if their "needs" are not met. But, where in the Bible does it say that every marriage relationship will enjoy blissful sexual relations? It's just not promised.

When tempted to feel like a martyr, I am reminded of the parable in Luke 9 about the cost of following Jesus.

As they were going along the road, someone said to him, "I will follow you wherever you go." And Jesus said to him, "Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head." To another he said, "Follow me." But he said, "Lord, let me first go and bury my father." And Jesus said to him, "Leave the dead to bury their own dead. But as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God." Yet another said, "I will follow you, Lord, but let me first say farewell to those at my home." Jesus said to him, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God." v. 57-62

David Platt in his book Radical says, "Plainly put, a relationship with Jesus requires total, superior, and exclusive devotion. Become homeless. Let someone bury you dad. Don't even say good-bye to your family." He points out that we are not even guaranteed that our basic need of shelter will be met! So why do we expect our basic wants and desires of sex, health, family, love, and happiness will be met? Jesus doesn't promise these things if we follow Him. In fact He promises just the opposite, this life will be full of tribulation (John 16:33) and we must deny ourselves (Luke 9:23). 

These are radical words. When I look at what I am "sacrificing" it seems pretty small compared to having nowhere to lay my head or not even saying goodbye to my family before going out to dangerously share the gospel! It's not that God doesn't want blessings for us, but rather our treasure is found in heaven not in this world (Mark 10:21). Does knowing God and serving Him mean more to you than the fleeting pleasures of this world? (It's often a daily battle for me!)

If Valentine's Day has you feeling down in the dumps because you are single or away from your loved one or unable to show love in the way you'd like to the husband God has given you, remember the greatest display of true love ever given, and find your hope in Him!

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." 1 John 4:10

Can We Really Make Mistakes?

One of the most challenging aspects of having a chronic illness, especially a rare and hard to diagnose illness like mine, is trying to figure out which treatment path(s) to take and then in turn dealing with regret over past treatments tried or untried.  What if I hadn't gone to that chiropractor...maybe that's what caused this mysterious illness in the first place! Maybe I should have tried acupuncture even if it's not covered by my insurance. And not just treatments, but there's the worry about what daily activities to perform. Should I go to the grocery or is that the way I want to use my energy? Should I try to exercise a little or will it flare up my pain?  And then there is the financial concerns. Should we travel and see this specialist or is it a waste of money? Massage helps my condition, but at $60 a session it's not fitting in the budget.

This past Monday was my pudendal nerve decompression surgery date, but I chose to instead try other treatments first and postpone possible surgery until July. With my pain increasing, medications no longer helping much, and the number of treatment options decreasing, it's hard not to wonder, "did I make a mistake?" Should I have gone ahead and had the surgery? I'm already lying around most of the day....I could be recovering right now!

This is something I have thought about a lot lately: can a follower of our sovereign God who is seeking Him really make a mistake when it comes to making a decision? Of course we sin and fall short of His glory every day so I am not talking about moral decisions or actions that result in something that is obviously contrary to scripture. I am talking about decisions such as should we move? should I have this procedure? should I have a baby? should I take this job? should we buy a boat?. Answers for these types of choices are not clearly defined in the Bible.

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2

When we are daily renewing our mind  reading God's word, praying, and truly seeking and desiring God's will above our own, the Bible says we will be able to discern God's will. Interestingly it says that we will discern His will by testing so we shouldn't be surprised that His will often involves trials and testing. So if we are renewing our mind and seeking God and make a decision concerning specific things the Bible doesn't address like in my case -should I have this surgery or not- should we worry that the decision we made was a mistake?

I don't think so because the Bible tells us God is sovereign, in control of everything, and God has complete foreknowledge, even of human choices.

"Remember the former things long past, For I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is no one like Me, Declaring the end from the beginning, And from ancient times things which have not been done, Saying, 'My purpose will be established, And I will accomplish all My good pleasure.'" Isaiah 46:9-10


My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. Psalm 139:15-16

God has written out what would happen every day of our life from before we were born! And His purpose for our life will be accomplished, period. So, yes, my decision to postpone (or perhaps not have surgery) could be a "mistake" in the fact that it could delay my chance of healing. But even so, it is not really a mistake because this is what has happened so it is obviously God's plan for my life. He is working out His purpose for me which may include healing or it may not, but I take great comfort in knowing that even in my "mistakes" I cannot stay God's hand.

At the end of the days I, Nebuchadnezzar, lifted my eyes to heaven, and my reason returned to me, and I blessed the Most High, and praised and honored him who lives forever, for his dominion is an everlasting dominion, and his kingdom endures from generation to generation; all the inhabitants of the earth are accounted as nothing, and he does according to his will among the host of heaven and among the inhabitants of the earth; and none can stay his hand or say to him, "What have you done?"  Daniel 4:34-35

If you, like I, struggle with doubts about past decisions or worry about future descisions take courage and rest knowing we serve a God who not only sees the future but is working in us to bring about His good, perfect, and acceptable will.

Is God Really For Us?

Lately it seems like nothing can go "right" for our family. It's gets frustrating as every week seems to bring more discouragement and disappointment. My husband applies for jobs and never gets called back so he continues to work hard with little to show for his efforts. Medical procedures we thought were covered by our insurance are not costing us an additional $900. My physical condition continues to decline. I spend the large majority of my day lying down and I struggle to care for my daughter. Even simple housework, like washing dishes, has become a challenge as new pain in my legs prohibits me from standing for long. Most of our meals are provided by friends and family and my husband runs most of the errands. I have become unreliable, which is very contrary to my personality, and I feel like we are those people that always have something wrong them, as if it is in those people's control anyway.

Despite our strong faith in the Lord, life is still a daily struggle and right now we can't see an end in sight to my pain or our current life situation. It's in these moments that one looking in from outside, and even ourselves at times, could wonder if God is really for us, asking the ever popular question, "If God is so good, how could he let ________ happen?".

When life gets extra hard and nothing seems to go the way we want, I often say to myself, "God is for us...not against us." I was encouraged yet again with this, one of my favorite passages of scripture, while reading "Be Still My Soul",  edited by Nancy Guthrie, (a wonderful book of readings for the suffering soul that I highly recommend).

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?"  Romans 8:31-32 

 Despite what our brain tells us, if we are trusting in Christ as our Savior, God is for us. Even if life gets really, really bad, God is for us. Even though we know with one word He could take it all away and yet He doesn't, God is still for us. And how can we be sure of this? Because God sent His only son to die a death He didn't deserve so that we who trust and follow Him might have a restored relationship to God and live with Him forever in Heaven instead of dying and going to Hell. If God has solved our biggest problem, sin, surely we can trust Him to handle all the lesser problems of this life.

"Yes, my deepest fears may become realities. I may not be able to understand what God is doing in or to my life; he may seem to be hiding his face from me; my heart may be broken. But can I not trust the One who demonstrated his love for me? When I was helpless in my sin he sent Christ to die for me (Romans 5:8). If he has done that, will he not work all things together for my good? Will he withhold any thing that is ultimately for the good of those who trust him?" Sinclair Ferguson

Sometimes the "lesser problems" feel huge though and it's hard to trust though, isn't it? I know it is for me. Thankfully scripture stands firm when I cannot. And so we must continue to remind ourselves that God is for us, even when the enemy, the world, and circumstances tell us differently. Somehow, someway God is working even ______ for our good.

Godliness in the Mundane

To be honest, most days it feels like my husband and I are just trying to survive. I'm trying to take care of my daughter (some days I can't even do that), figure out what we will eat for supper, do a load of laundry, and keep the clutter to a minimum until either I have less pain, my husband gets a better job (that doesn't involve getting home at midnight and going back to work at 7am like he does some days), or I am called home to be with the Lord. The reality is there's not a whole lot of fun in our life. It doesn't even feel like there's very much normal in our life...whatever that is anyway.

This week I was reminded that even in the mundane and suffering we should not just be "existing" trying to live life. We should be striving for two things every day: holiness and godliness.

"But the day of the Lord will come like a thief, and then the heavens will pass away with a roar, and the heavenly bodies will be burned up and dissolved, and the earth and the works that are done on it will be exposed. Since all these things are thus to be dissolved, what sort of people ought you to be in lives of holiness and godliness....Therefore, beloved, since you are waiting for these [new heavens and a new earth (verse 13)], be diligent to be found by him without spot or blemish, and at peace." 1 Peter 3:10-11,14

Jesus is coming back and when he does don't you want to be found pursuing godliness and peace on the "fun" days and the mundane days, on the hard days (even if that's every day) and good days? I do! But man, it is H-A-R-D, isn't it?! I mean, some days I am just trying to occupy my 2 year old while not flaring up my pain that I don't think as much as I should about the fact that one day the heavens are going to be set on fire and the heavenly bodies will melt as they burn (verse 12)! This world and all the stuff that consumes us right now is going to be gone, and in light of that I must keep my focus on Jesus and trying to become more like Him every second of the day, whether I am laying on the couch in pain or cleaning up my dog's accident on the dining room carpet (again).


"It becomes us to spend this life only as a journey toward heaven...to which we should subordinate all other concerns of life. Why should we labor for or set our hearts or anything else, but that which is our proper end and true happiness?" a quote from Puritan preacher, Jonathan Edwards, in Randy Alcorn's Heaven

So if tomorrow you wake up and life is hard like it has been the last 30 years or if you wake to new and exciting things, pursue holiness. Focus on the things of God and He, not your circumstances will bring you peace.

4 Years and Reflections on the Purpose of Marriage

Today marks 4 years of wedded bliss reality to my wonderful husband. I told a friend recently that it seems we have been married much longer than just four years, and they said, "That's probably because your marriage has been through a lot in such a short time." Indeed it has, but who can really call marriage "bliss"? It's hard work! When we promised to care for and love each other in sickness and health we didn't expect sickness to come only 11 months after our vows. But God in His loving providence did, and it's only by His grace that our marriage has endured.

My pain affects almost all aspects of our marriage. But the hardest for me is that I often do not feel like a "helper" to my husband. "Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him." (Genesis 2:18). Acts of service is probably the way I most like to show love to my husband, but when He is often the one doing the cooking, cleaning, and running errands am I really his "helper"?

I recently ran across an old excerpt from a 1950's high school home economics textbook entitled "How to Be a Good Wife". I was given this in my junior high "economics-type" class.  You can read the full article here but here are a few of the points.

• Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
• Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
• Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest that he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

Wow! It's hard to believe life was ever like this, wasn't it? Chronic pain or not I don't think I know of a wife who arranges their husbands pillow for them! Nonetheless, I would love to be able to serve my husband more.  He always tells me I am still a great "help meet" to him by loving him and I still try to "manage" the household (i.e. bills, lists for errands, pick out recipes or food from the freezer, keep track of my daughter's preschool schedule and pick out her clothes, decide which clothes should be washed when, and make sure the cleaning gets done on a semi-normal basis) even from the couch if need be.

It is hard not to read things like this or even the Proverbs 31 woman and not compare or feel guilty. That is why we must take a step back and focus on the purpose of marriage. It is not ultimately designed just for our enjoyment or even for procreation. Marriage was designed from the beginning to be a picture of Jesus Christ and His covenant with the Church which He purchased through his death and resurrection.

"Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." (Genesis 2:24) "This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church." (Ephesians 5:32)

Most get the blessings of intimacy, children, the husband leading, and the wife being a wonderful "helper", but some do not unfortunately because of our fallen world.While our current situation is not what I could have ever dreamed would happen four years ago, I trust that this is God's perfect plan for us and our suffering allows us the opportunity (unfortunately we don't always use it) to glorify God more right now than if life had followed our plan.

"So it is with marriage. It is a momentary gift. It  may last a lifetime or it may be snatched away on the honeymoon. Either way, it is short. It may have many bright days, or it may be covered with clouds. If we make secondary things primary, we will be embittered at the sorrows we must face. But if we set our face to make of marriage mainly what God designed it to be, no sorrows and no calamities can stand in our way. Every one of them will be, not an obstacle to success, but a way to succeed. The beauty of the coveant-keeping love between Christ and his church shines brightest when nothing but Christ can sustain it."  John Piper This Momentary Marriage p. 178

I have been blessed with a wonderful husband who is extremely patient, caring, and understanding. He tells me again and again that he would still marry me had he known the suffering our marriage would endure. Our prayer is that the world would see that nothing can sustain us but Christ.

Thankful for Suffering?

As Thanksgiving Day nears, do you think it is possible to put your current trial on your list of things you are thankful for?  It's very difficult to be thankful for something that brings us great pain and hardship, but I think the Bible tells us we can and should be thankful for suffering.

"In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith--more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire--may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." 1 Peter 1:6-7

 "More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."  Romans 5:3-5

Websters defines "rejoice" as having great joy, delight, or gladness. When have you ever been delighted in something and not been thankful for it!? In fact we should not only be thankful for our suffering, but also take delight in it? That sounds crazy! How can we find joy in something that causes us such misery?


Charles Spurgeon, British Baptist preacher of the 1800's known as the "Prince of Preachers",  in his sermon "A Joy in All Trials", says,

There is an invaluable blessing which is gained by the trial of our faith. The blessing gained is this, that our faith is tried and proved... After a great fight of affliction, when I come forth a conqueror, I know that I do believe in God, and I know that this faith makes me a partaker of covenant blessings; from this I may fairly argue that my faith is of the right kind.

I reckon that the endurance of every imaginable suffering and trial would be a small price to pay for a settled assurance, which would forever prevent the possibility of doubt.... Trials are like a fire; they burn up nothing in us but the dross, and they make the gold all the purer. Put down the testing process as a clear gain, and instead of being sorry about it, count it all joy [James 1:2] when ye fall into divers trials, for this bestows upon you a proof of your faith.

This a much different message than we often hear today--that God wants you happy, healthy, and wealthy. The Bible tells us that suffering and trials will come and when they do we must rejoice in them. The main reason we can rejoice or be thankful for the suffering is because it proves and strengthens our faith in God. Isn't that what we should desire most of all...that our faith be strong and unwavering even among life's most difficult trials?


Spurgeon knew suffering. He suffered from gout (first attack at the age of 35), rheumatism (present day rheumatoid arthritis) and Bright's disease (inflammation of the kidneys). His wife dealt with some unknown physical ailment, could not have any more children after their twin sons were born, and became an invalid at the age of 33. When Spurgeon was 22 he preached in a large hall where over 10,000 people were present. Someone yelled "fire" and there was a stampede that killed 7 people and many more were injured.  He suffered from depression and the daily struggles of being a pastor, husband, and father. (source). This was a man who experienced great suffering yet he believed that trials are an invaluable blessing for our faith!


Oh that we might believe with Spurgeon that "every imaginable suffering and trial would be a small price to pay for a settled assurance [that our faith is genuine]" and be thankful for suffering that is refining our character and proving a faith that will result in praise and glory of our Lord, Jesus Christ!

Doubt: My Temptation of "Choice"

Doubt was Satan's first temptation tactic and is still one of his best, at least for me. The first thing he did was get Eve thinking..."Did God actually say ,'You shall not eat of any tree in the garden'?" (Genesis 3:1). And then he tempted her to doubt that God is good and trustworthy..."You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." (Genesis 3:4-5)

On Friday my husband's boss told him that he will have to start working his 40 hours spread over 6 days a week instead of five. He recently transferred to a new store (he works in retail) and the new store is basically a mess. Things have not been managed well so the boss is "cracking down" on his assistants. We are frustrated to say the least. My husband commutes about an hour round trip daily so an extra day of commuting will affect us financially. He already works a lot of swing shifts and since he does so much to help care for us and the housework I cannot do, this will make things extra hard. We are hopeful it will only be for a short time or that God will provide an alternative, but He may not.

It is good that my grandparents were at our house when my husband shared the bad news or my reaction probably would have not been one of grace. When frustrating situations arise, which seem to be quite often for us lately, I am almost immediately tempted to doubt that God is in control and that all His ways are good. I want to cry out, "Really God? How much can we bear? How are you working this for good!?" I may not say those words aloud, but often they are in my heart.

I don't think I take it seriously enough that this life really is a battle. As Christians, our adversary, the devil, is prowling around like a lion seeking to devour us (1 Peter 5:8). Sin is crouching at our door and it desires us, but we must rule over it (Genesis 4:7).

How can we fight this battle and not give in to the temptation to doubt God's complete control and goodness? How can we rule over sin by God's grace? Every good solider wears armor into battle and God tells us we should too in Ephesians 6:11-18. Of the seven pieces of armor (belt of truth, breastplate of righteousness, shoes of the gospel of peace, shield of faith, helmet of salvation, sword of the Spirit, and prayer), faith is the most important for, "with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one" (verse 16).

That's what Satan is after: our faith. He wants us, like Eve, to doubt He is who His word says He is. He wants us to despair when life is hard and nothing seems to go our way. Instead we must daily put on God's armor so that when the Satan's flaming darts come we can resist Him, standing firm in our faith (1 Peter 5:9). Lord, give us the grace to trust you!

Is God Fair?

Did you all hear the "big" announcement this week? Michelle Duggar of TLC's "19 Kids and Counting" is pregnant with her 20th child! You can watch the announcement on the Today Show here.

I was not too surprised. I mean, lets be honest, it's obvious from the name of their TV show that they weren't exactly "done" having kids and their website explains their belief on birth control and desire to have as many children as the Lord sees fit.

I do not completely agree with the Duggars, on many different levels, but I do applaud them for their desire to raise their children in the fear and admonition of the Lord. All I know is that God obviously made my body very different from Michele's. I can't fathom (nor have the desire to) what it must be like to give birth 19 times!


I do, however, struggle with the fact that the Duggars have 19, almost 20, children while so many couples desire to have one child and cannot. It seems unfair that couples have to spend thousands of dollars and often wait years to adopt a child while some have 6, 8, or even 20 children with little difficulty.

It also seems unfair when God doesn't not provide a spouse for people who so long to be married. Or when a man, who has a masters level education, must work the same low paying job as someone with half his education. Or when a 25 year old is diagnosed with a chronic illness and can't hardly get off the couch, while an 70 year old runs marathons. It's unfair, right?

When I am tempted to think about what is "fair" in life, which unfortunately is often, I am reminded of Deuteronomy 32:4

"The Rock, his work is perfect, for all his ways are justice. A God of faithfulness and without iniquity, just and upright is he."

The Bible never says that God is fair, but it does say on several occasions that He is just. All His ways are just. That is not an easy word to swallow. It leaves a lot of room for ...but God, "why", how is this right? Sometimes He answers those questions on this Earth, but most of the time He does not.We have to remember that fairness does not equate justice. Our questions and desire to declare something as being unfair does nothing more than kindle our fire of discontentment.

I may never understand why Michele Duggar has 19 children while other godly women have none, but by God's grace, I have to trust that His word is true. He is always faithful and just. I think Michele and Jim Bob had it right when they said, "as He [sees] fit in His timing". God has a plan, it is just, and we can trust Him even when life seems unfair.

"Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day!"

Remember that children's book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day? That's was my Monday.

It began when  my husband found out last year's $500 flexible spending account reimbursement paperwork was never received and since it is long past the "due date" and we lost the mail confirmation number it is unlikely we will get the money back. After some tears, harsh words, and much regret we went to a local furniture store to check prices of mattresses as we are hoping to get my daughter in a "big girl bed" so I can lay down and read her a book at night instead of sitting and having to lift her in/out of a crib. We were in the store probably 15 mintues and when we came out we found a ticket on our car. Apparently we had parked in a loading zone (the sign was offset and about level with the hood of our car so we did not notice it). Ten dollars later we went to finish our errands. I thought, "Really God? Is this for real? What are you doing here? I already have so much pain, why does everything have to be so hard? What is the good in all this?

Then my husband left for work and when he was over half way there I realized he left his work keys here. Our daughter was taking a nap so he had to come all the way home to get the keys. He was fifteen minutes late to work and minus a few more dollars in gas and pay (although he did stay late to make up the difference thankfully).

About an hour before it was time to get my daughter ready to go 'trick-or-treating' (yes we don't have any major convivctions about this holiday despite being Bible beliving Christians who are aware of the pagan roots of Halloween....maybe we should, but as of now we don't) I developed a sudden onset of dizziness. I have never quite experienced dizziness like this in my life. I could barely lift my head off the pillow or open my eyes. I had to crawl to the bathroom a couple times. So I missed going with my little "lion" 'tick-or-treating'. I am still not 100%, but I am obviously better. I'm still not sure if the episdoe was related to the new medication I started a few days ago, Baclofen-which I've since stopped, or if I have a little virus of some sort. Either way it was frustrating.

It was a bad day...or was it? I did not like what happened, but was it really a "no good" day?

"This is the day that the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalms 118:24

How can I rejoice when I loose money, forget things, and sickness destroys my plans? I can have joy because my God is good and has good plans for my life. He ordained this "bad day" before I was born (Psalm 139:16) and even if I don't see the good in it I can trust that the One who gives us life and breath and everythig (Acts 17:24-25) is in control.

Now of course in the moment I could not see these things. I yelled at my husband where neighbors could have heard and my daughter saw my anger as I kicked my dog who was not obeying. What an example! I quickly forgot how just last week God had graciously provided an extra couple hundred dollar savings with our car/house insurance. I did not trust God. Instead I looked to my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6).

I don't want to react like that when "bad" things happen. I don't want to have fear, anger, bitterness, discontentment, and doubt.  I want my heart to be firm, trusting in the Lord. Oh, how I need His grace!

"He [the man who fears the Lord] is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the LORD."  Psalm 112:7

How do you react when you have a "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day"? How do you trust that God is good even when circumstances make you feel that He is not? What scriptures come to mind when you are frustrated and afraid? 

Home Sweet Home

We live in a 1920's house that has a lot of charm and potential, but "needs" a lot of updating. My parents enjoy home renovation and have instilled some of that in me as well. Unfortunately I am not able to participate much in our projects, but I love seeing the end result.

My parents have also instilled the responsibility to be wise and frugal with my money. After living in a third world context, my husband and I desired a meager lifestyle until we returned to overseas service. We furnished our first apartment with furniture my dad had made or repaired from my mom's yard sale deals. As our life in America becomes more permanent due to my chronic illness, I find myself wanting and needing more especially when it comes to our house. It becomes tempting to look at what friends' have and to become dissatisfied with what God has graciously given us.

We've been reading Radical by Pastor David Platt in our Sunday School class at church. It's my second time reading the book and every time it is just as convicting as Platt challenges us to look to the Bible for how we should live, not "The American Dream". Since I'm unable to work now, we don't make a lot of money. We are basically using our savings or generous gifts from friends and family to pay our bills until either I get disability or my husband gets a promotion/better job. We don't eat out very often, we don't have cable TV or iPhones, and we don't have any debt (since we rent our house from my parents). We like to think we are living a minimalist lifestyle, but over half the world lives on less than $2 a day! We have electricity, running water, and plenty of food in our refrigerator....we are rich! So what if my almond colored refrigerator doesn't match my other white appliances amd my kitchen has ugly wallpaper? HGTV tells me I need a better house, but what does the Bible say?

"Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content. But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs. But as for you, O man of God, flee these things. Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness." 1 Timothy 6:6-11

 I recently listed to a sermon by David Platt found here (podcast #3 "The Gospel and Materialism Part 1") concerning this passage. How can we flee the temptation for more and better stuff? By being content in God. These are hard words. While the context of this passage is concerning material possessions, I've also considered would I really be content if I had this pain, but I didn't have my my nice tempurpedic pillow or my ice packs or my medication? Is God really enough for me? Would I be content if all I had was food and clothing? I'm praying for God to give me the grace I desperately need to be satisfied in Him alone.



**As an aside, I'm really excited about attending Secret Church via simulcast this Friday evening. It's a 6 hour long intense study of the Bible and prayer for Christians around the world who meet in secret to learn more about Jesus.  Thankfully my Sunday School class is hosting it in one of our members' homes so I can bring my egg crate and lay on the floor to be apart of it. It will still be difficult for me as the nights are the most painful for me, but I'm looking forward to it. The topic is "Family, Marriage, Sex and the Gospel". Can't wait!

Are Trials a Gift?

Yesterday I was reading James 1. I have read and quoted some of the passages of this chapter to myself numerous times during my journey with pain, but I was struck by the context of James 1:17.

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." James 1:17

I think I have most seen this passage used in regards to welcoming a new baby. Maybe it's just the season of life I am in, but I have seen numerous wall hangings for a baby's room or birth announcements saying "Every good and perfect gift is from above". And it's true. Every good and perfect gift is from God especially babies, but let's look at the context, or what surrounds this passage (including the rest of the passage-"coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.").


James 1:1-18 addresses Christians concerning trials and temptations (read it yourself here for the context). A couple of my favorite encouraging verses come from this passage.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4
  

"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life,[referring to eternal life] which God has promised to those who love him." James 1:12

I found it interesting that James 1:17 is included in this passage that is mostly about trials. It seems to me that God is reminding us of His goodness and ultimate control even in the hard times of faith's testing. God's intent for those who love Him is always good as we see clearly in Romans 8:28 and Matthew 7:11, "If you then (speaking of human parents) know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him.".  In the midst of suffering it often feels like God is giving us a serpent when we ask for a fish (Matthew 7:10) but we have to again remember that our definition of "good" and God's definition are not always the same.

God sees the big picture and the end result that we cannot see. James 1:17 reminds us that God is "the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." God is the same God who is working all things for our good when there is a blessing like the birth of a precious baby and when precious babies remain in orphanages while their loving family has waited years and continues to await permission from the Ethiopian government for their children to be brought home (like our friends). God doesn't change and His good plans do not change. All this ways are perfect and just (Deuteronomy 32:4, Psalm 18:30).

This new view of James 1:17 has challenged me to think differently about what constitutes a good gift. I believe my pain has been a good gift allowing me a greater empathy to others' suffering, helping me focus on things that are truly important in life (namely God and His glory), and humbling me requiring me to truly rely on God's provision and grace.

What are some of the good gifts God has given you that you have not always thought of as good?

Fasting

I have been convicted a lot over the last few weeks about two things: the fact that I don't fast and that I spend too much time on the Internet. I don't think I have ever really fasted. I have always justified not fasting because food is not that important to me. Sometimes I'll realize it's 3p.m. and I didn't eat lunch. I'm fine just eating a bowl of cereal for dinner, especially when my husband is working late. But does that mean I shouldn't fast? When the Bible speaks of fasting it's just assumed followers of Jesus will fast.

"And when you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces that their fasting may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, that your fasting may not be seen by others but by your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you." Matthew 6:16-18

When you fast, not if you fast. Right now I don't know that my health allows me to fast from food, but  I'm still thinking and praying about it. I do know that I can and need to fast from another area in my life that is consuming more of my time than it should....the Internet. I read a really convicting article this week "Why John Piper Doesn't Own A TV"  Television is not a huge temptation for me, but I do still waste more time watching it than I should. I don't necessarily think its wrong to own a TV, but it is something to think about. The Internet on the other hand, is a big temptation for me. Some of the time I spend online is worthwhile, but to be honest a lot of it is not.

So for starters, I'm committing to take Wednesdays to "fast" from using the Internet. I hope to spend the extra time praying, especially about the big decision we have to make concerning my upcoming surgery or spinal cord stimulator implant, and reading the Word.

Do you fast? If so, how and how has it grown your relationship with the Lord?