Guest Post: This Was Not Plan B

Below is a guest post from my friend, Bonnie. For the last year she has been dealing with some health issues that have recently caused great disappointment for her family. See seven truths Bonnie strives to remember when she is tempted to despair. I think you will be encouraged. I sure was!

On Valentine’s Day, we received news that the mission agency we’ve been in the application process with for the past three years denied our acceptance due to my current health situation.  This was definitely one of the top three most disappointing moments in the life of our marriage. The sinking sensation that accompanied the news was the same sort of feeling we experienced when we found out we would likely never have biological children and then a year later when the phone call came telling us our attempted domestic adoption fell through due to the birth mother changing her mind.  Karate kick.  In the gut.

The past two months of sorting through this realization has been perplexing for us, to say the least.  We never had a “Plan B” when it came to our career path as a couple.  For the past 13 years, living overseas in order to share the Gospel with the unreached is all my husband or I have ever wanted to do with our lives.  Over a decade of preparation, schooling, and plans seemed to crash into a wall of a million whys during those early weeks of coming to grips with the reality that our lives and ministries will be looking vastly different than we ever imagined.

I think what has been the hardest thing about this disappointment is the long-term reality of my health situation.  I know I’m not in a good place right now, and we are beginning to realize that it’s really not wise to consider moving overseas with any agency or company until I can get to a place where I’m able to consistently manage my pain. We have spent the past year begging the Lord for healing so that we can pursue career missions.  I have been anointed with oil, and prayed over by our pastors.  Countless friends and family have stood beside us to pray for healing in order that we may be sent out to areas where there is little Gospel witness.  I’ve tried multiple traditional and non-traditional methods to attack my condition from all angles.  We know God can heal and does heal but right now He has chosen not to for some profound reason.  He may heal me tomorrow.  Or He may never.  The reality that our long-term missions plans is taking a turn in a different direction has been a painful shift in our thinking.

God is kind to have given us time in the school of disappointment prior to this news.  Memories have flooded me over the past two months back to lessons formerly learned. I can remember the spring of 2009 driving home from Nashville sobbing beside my hubby with an empty car seat safely secured behind us as we grieved our failed adoption.  After breaking down the nursery and attempting to return the baby items we had purchased for the little guy we thought we were bringing home, we had to get away.  Like, far away where our cell phones didn’t have reception.  So we did what any sensible person would do in such situations and ran for the border- to Canada :)  Standing on the “Maid in the Midst” boat underneath the roar of Niagara Falls, God did something profound in my heart in the midst of that deep pain and disappointment.  He spoke peace, and comfort, and assurance from
Psalm 93:3-4:“The seas have lifted up, O LORD, the seas have lifted up their voice; the seas have lifted up their pounding waves.  Mightier than the thunder of the great   waters, mightier than the breakers of the sea- the LORD on high is mighty.”

And as I have remembered that time, I am reminded that once again God on high is mightier than this current storm in our souls and that He is with us.  He is walking beside us in our disappointment with a comfort and peace that surpasses understanding. 

Another glimpse into past lessons learned reminds me that through the disappointment of infertility God did something far more beautiful in the life of our family than I could ever have dreamed.  Adoption wasn’t plan  “B” for us.  It was... always... in the heart of  God. His good and perfect plan for our family.  As I contemplate that, I’m reminded that this current loss of a career missions dream is no different.  This wasn’t plan “B” for us.  He is sovereignly working out something beautiful for our future that we just can’t understand right now just as He worked infertility for our good by allowing us to adopt our two beautiful children from Ethiopia.

I have to confess the past two months have been pretty up and down emotionally.  One day we’re thrilled for what God has next and excited to see what doors He opens up.  The next moment, we are so deeply saddened and burdened to not be able to be on the front lines of ministry that we just want to cry.  Other days there’s just numbness to the whole thing and a desire to just block out the pain and not even think about it.  There is a proper time to grieve, and to be sad over lost dreams.  We don’t have to walk around with a stiff upper lip to the sorrows that beset us in life.  We can pour out our hearts to God and others by keeping it real.  And He promises to comfort.  And then- you gotta move on.  To a place where you live out hope on the steadfast promises of God even when your circumstances confound you. 

My heart WANTS to hold to His promises when my emotions and the world and Satan tell me to despair.  I long to fight the fears that lie ahead and the doubts inside that say nothing good can come from this.  I want to be steadfast in hope in the midst of disappointment even when my weepy heart just wants to eat chocolate and wallow in sadness.  God is not ripping us off.  So when I get those feelings, Lord, help me to remember....


#1-God is good.  He is absolutely, unequivocally working on behalf of the good of His children.  ALWAYS. 

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

 #2- God is wise.  He sees the end from the beginning and there is no telling what He is protecting us (and you!) from when he says “no” to the things we so deeply desire. 

“Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!” Romans 11:33 

#3- God is sovereign. He gives, and He takes away.  He opens the womb and He closes it.  He appoints men to ministry positions and He denies them.  He opens doors for jobs and He shuts them.  He sustains life and He takes it.  He lets adoptions go through and He allows others to fail. And all of this stems from His amazing love for us. 

“John answered, “A person cannot receive even one thing unless it is given him from heaven.” John 3:27

#4- God is our Redeemer.  When we look at Scripture and the ways He has on countless occasions turned painful situations for the good of His children (ie: Abraham, Joseph, Daniel, Moses, Paul), how can we not trust He will do likewise in our own lives? Our little Ethiopian miracles remind me everyday that He is a redeeming God.  I don’t understand how He’s going to work my physical trials and our loss of dreams for our good but I’m banking my hope that He will redeem this sorrow because He says He will. 

“O Israel, hope in the Lord! For with the Lord there is steadfast love, and with him is plentiful redemption. And he will redeem Israel from all his iniquities.” Psalm 130:7-8

#5- God is our Refiner.  He loves us too much to leave us as we are.  He knows exactly what it will take to bring His children to deeper places of trust and reliance on Him.  He uses all of our disappointments in life to bring out what is truly deep in our hearts.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  He wants to purify us, and our holiness is His pursuit far above our physical happiness. 

“Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness.” Hebrews 12:10

#6- Christ is our identity.  On days when my body aches and I physically can’t do all that I long to, this truth brings me so much hope. I could never do enough good to outweigh my bad.  Never.  I was a slave to sin and separated from God because of my rebellion.  Christ took all of my sin and shame on the cross, so that I can have a right relationship with Him forever.  So that I can love Him and commune with Him, and be near Him for all eternity.  My identity is not in the titles I do or do not hold such as “mother”, “wife”, “missionary”, or “teacher” but in my ultimate standing as “child of God”!

“See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are.” 1 John 3:1

#7- God is our hope.  I’m sure this will not be the last time in life that we will walk through seasons of grief and disappointment.  If all of our hope was placed on our dreams we would be sorely disappointed.  Over, and over again.  Material possessions, and plans, and dreams cannot be the source of our joy, satisfaction, and trust.  Our relationship with Christ and the knowledge of His true and steadfast character is THE only thing in this fallen world that will give us lasting hope.  All other cisterns will run dry and disappoint. 

“O Israel, hope in the Lord! For with the Lord there is steadfast love, and with him is plentiful redemption.” Psalm 130:7

Thank you Lord that you indeed are a good, wise, sovereign, redeeming, refining God of hope in whom we can place all of our trust.  Thank you that indeed goodness and mercy are following us as your children all the days of our lives even when our circumstances confound us (Psalm 23:6).  Thank you that though we walk dimly here on earth in the midst of a thousand perplexing “whys” you will one day make all wrong right and reveal to us your infinite wisdom in how you shaped our circumstances to protect us and to make us more like You.  Thank you that you are a good God; worthy of our trust and of our very lives.  Help us to honor you in this new season of change, Lord and to bank all of our hopes on You.

A "Senless Tragedy"? Thoughts on the Boston Marathon Bombings

Over the last several days I have noticed while reading the news coverage of the Boston Marathon bombings that took place this past Monday that the most common phrase used to describe this event is "senseless tragedy". From President Obama (who called it a senseless loss in his initial statement) to former presidential candidate Mitt Romney's son to a former NFL football player to even Pope Francis.

What happened in Boston was tragic. Tragic to those involved, to those watching on television, and to all of us as our eyes are opened (once again) to the wickedness of the world in which we live.

But were the bombings senseless?

Did they have no meaning or purpose? Was it just a random act of fate?

Obviously the bombings were not senseless to those carrying out the attack. No matter how illogical their motive might be to us, there was a purpose to the bombers. But more importantly we know that the bombings were not pointless to God, even though we may not understand "why". Whether God ordains an event or permits it, He is still in control and He has a plan.

The Bible tells us over and over that nothing happens arbitrarily, even the most disastrous events are not out of God's control (Isaiah 45:7). Even the roll of a dice when I am playing a game with my daughter is determined by God (Proverbs 16:33). The people who were running in the Boston Marathon or on the sidelines were not there randomly. Where we live and where we travel on a daily basis does not happen by chance (Acts 17:24-28). We make plans every day, but the Lord directs our steps (Proverbs 16:9). We know that God can do ANYTHING. He can take one of his biggest persecutors of His church and turn them into a missionary (Acts 9), and He can even stay the hand of a bomber (Daniel 4:35). No purpose of His can be thwarted (Job 42:2). And God often uses seemingly evil acts to bring about His good purposes (Genesis 50:20).

Randy Alcorn said in his book "If God is Good Why Do We Hurt" (a short booklet based off his larger work, "If God is Good: Faith in the Midst of Suffering and Evil."),

"We sometimes view the intense suffering caused by such horrible evil as being totally pointless. But our failure to see the point in extreme suffering doesn't prove there is no point. ....The Bible indicates that God will not permit anything to happen that he can't use to bring ultimate good to his people and to glorify himself. ...On the cross Jesus suffered the worst pain in history. Yet that event will forever remain at the center of our worship and wonder. If God used the most terrible event in history for eternal good, might he not use less terrible events in our lives for eternal good?" (p. 46-47)
 

Telling a victim of the Boston Marathon bombing that their family member died of a "senseless tragedy" offers absolutely no hope to the suffering. My pain doesn't make sense. We will probably never understand exactly what caused my pain to begin and why I have to continue to suffer, but to tell me my pain is senseless only leaves me angered and discouraged.

This is why our words are so important when comforting the suffering. We don't have to understand the "whys" to give hope to the hurting. We just have to trust that the one who upholds the universe by the word of his power (Hebrews 1:3) ordained every one our days before even one of them came to be (Psalm 139:16), and know that He is working all things together for good (Romans 8:28).

The kind people at Eternal Perspective Ministries have given me some copies of Randy Alcorn's "If God is Good Why Do We Hurt?" I would LOVE to give away 3 copies of this great booklet. I keep it close to my bed and pull it out for quick reference in times of discouragement or despondence. It never fails to encourage me to trust our Sovereign God.

UPDATE: GIVEAWAY CLOSED

The first three people to leave a comment on this post will receive a copy of this great resource. After leaving a comment, please email me at purposeofpain (at) gmail (dot) com and send me your mailing address.

May we continue to strive to trust our loving God and find hope in His purposeful providence in this fallen world.
 

Tasty Tuesday: Easy Fried Rice

When I saw this recipe I immediately added it to my list of recipes to try. It's ethnic food and it's easy - two of my favorite things. We liked it so much I've already made it twice in one week! :) I don't usually duplicate meals that frequently, but I needed a quick lunch for my husband after he had spent all morning mowing the yard (that was quickly becoming a jungle!) and was headed to work 2nd shift. My 3 year old wants to eat peanut butter and jelly every day (who can blame her?!), but thankfully she seems to liked this well enough to eat a decent size portion. She eats vegetables pretty well compared to most kids and she loves eggs!

I did make a couple of changes to the original recipe due to my taste preferences and available ingredients.

 Easy Fried Rice

• About 1.5-2 cups cooked brown rice
• 1 T of olive or coconut oil
• 1/2 medium onion diced
• 2 cloves of garlic minced
• 1/4 tsp ground ginger
• 16-20 oz frozen veggies (I just used a mixture of things I had on hand)
• 2 eggs
• black pepper to taste (you may need salt, but I find soy sauce to be salty enough for me)
• 1/4 cup soy sauce - Gluten Free, Organic, Reduced Sodium (I never knew there was gluten in soy sauce....that stuff is EVERYWHERE!)

* You may need more soy sauce, I'm not big on it so 1/4 cup is plenty for me.

1. In a large pan, heat the oil over medium-high heat.
2. Add the onion and cook while stirring for 1½ to 2 minutes. Stir in the garlic and ginger and cook for another 30 seconds.
3. Pour the frozen veggies into the pan and cook while stirring for  around 5 minutes (depending on how crunchy you like your veggies).
4. Using a spatula push the veggie mixture to one side of the wok. Drop in the 2 raw eggs on the other side and let them cook for 1 to 2 minutes before flipping and then stirring the entire mixture together.
5. Once the eggs are fully cooked add the soy sauce, and rice to wok. Mix together thoroughly, serve warm.

A quick, healthy, and CHEAP meal! Just the way I like it.

 

What new recipe(s) are you trying this week?

Chronic Illness and the Fears of Facebook

I recently read this article about social media and the temptation to be envious of the lives of others. As one with chronic illness, it's easy to find my heart discontent after scrolling through a few status updates on Facebook. But the truth is pictures, tweets, and status updates are not REAL life, are they?No one can see the hurt and pain behind those snapshots on beach, but unfortunately that does not mean it's not there.

Ironically, when I first began to have debilitating pain, I remember seeing a picture of my beautiful college friend on Facebook. I thought to myself, "She is so lucky, her life is so easy." I hadn't spoken to her in several months, so my thoughts were based solely on how happy she looked in her pictures. I soon found out that my friend was actually miserable and her marriage was falling a part.

I knew that my outside appearance didn't justify the pain I was experiencing, yet I held my friends on Facebook to a higher standard. And I still catch myself doing it now from time to time.

Because I know I am tempted to judge someone based on what I see on social media, I feel I have to be so careful what I post about myself. Afterall, what will someone think if they see pictures of me smiling on a vacation? Without talking to me they will likely think I'm feeling better (if they even know I'm ill at all!).

And it's not just social media. I find myself worried about taking a short walk outside if I feel up to it. I don't want people to see me driving by and think, "She looks fine to me, what's wrong with her anyway!"  I want to hide from people when I see them out while I'm shopping. I dread the questions and I feel they must be thinking, "Well, if she can shop, surely she can work." As if a pain filled trip to Target compares to a 12+ hour labor intensive nursing shift! Sadly, when living with chronic pain one must learn to do just that live as best they can in pain.

I enjoy seeing pictures of old friends' children and keeping up with people I would have lost contact with through the years, if not for social media, but I do not like the way it makes me worry about what others think of me and the jealously I often feel when secretly peering into the lives of others. I want to live my life without worrying what other people think about me all the time, but it's a challenge. And I think social media has only made it worse honestly. Sometimes I think I will deactivate my social media accounts, but chronic illness isolates me so much from the world already it is difficult to remove the primary way I communicate with others when pain often keeps me at home.

I have met many wonderful people also struggling with chronic pain via social media and this blog. And I am thankful for that community, but let's be honest, true community happens primarily in real life. My 400 Facebook friends can a smiling picture of me with my Sunday School class as we gathered for the 6+ hour intensive Secret Church a few weeks ago, but they cannot see that I had to lay on an air mattress in order to participate and even then I wasn't without pain.

Whether we like it or not technology is our future, and although it has it's weaknesses, it's not really the problem. The problem is our hearts. They are desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9). Our hearts long for what we don't have and think up evil thoughts about others. Our hearts worry instead of living in the freedom we have in Christ (Romans 8:1). Our hearts look for entertainment online instead of seeking first the Kingdom of God (Matthew 6:33).

I cannot control the thoughts of others, but I can control my own thoughts (by the grace of God) and I can use discretion when posting pictures and information on social media sites.  I can entrust my worries and fears to God who judges justly (1 Peter 2:23). And most importantly I can strive to build real open and honest community amongst the people I live.

How do you handle the challenges of chronic invisible illness and social media?

3 Month Hip Surgery Update

I'm 3 months post-op from my left FAI/labral hip tear repair. I wish I had good news to report - that overall my pain levels are lower and I am functioning better - but I don't. While this last month I have become a little more mobile (than I was at 2 months) and I am able to lie on my surgical side better and getting down on the floor/squatting is a little easier. I am not noticeably better overall. I am still struggling with my range of motion (which didn't really improve from my 1 month to 2 month post-op appointment) and internal/external rotation (especially external).

My hip pain was really a minimal part of my overall pain, and I knew that going into the surgery. Yet others with similar pain and history to mine had received relief of symptoms so I was hopeful I too would gain a better quality of life.

It is still possible I could see overall relief from this surgery as the normal healing time is up to one year, but it is discouraging that I am still dealing with so much muscle dysfunction (tightness, pain, and compensation) at 3 months out. No amount of heat, massage, or therapy seems to help. My worst areas are my abdomen (my psoas and rectus abdominus muscles), my low back (quadratus lumborum muscle), and my thoracic area gets very "locked up" feeling making even standing difficult at times. My surgeon tighted the hip joint capsule during surgery due to my ligament laxity and sometimes I wonder if my increased abdominal/low back pain could be due to that.

The last 6 weeks I have been trying a new more alternative therapy locally called myofascial release. It is a gentle "hands-on" therapy which involves long stretches and releases. I do feel better after each session, but it is very short lived (30 minutes to 4 hours of a little relief) and it doesn't really address my sitting pain. So I am not sure how long to continue this therapy.

It's disappointing that I can't seem to find a way to better manage my pain and improve my quality of life, but I press on knowing I have much to live and be grateful for. Though God's ways are not my ways and I struggle to understand "why", I hold to what I know is true: God is good and He is sovereign. This is all any of us know, and it's really all we need.

I continue to appreciate your prayers:

• Today we are leaving to visit out of town family and on the way back we will see my surgeon/therapists for a follow-up. Traveling is extremely difficult for me, but God in His providence provided a mini-van for us this past December after my husband was in a car wreck that was not his fault. This allows me to lie down while traveling and my daughter can come with us since she can sit in her car seat! Please pray my pain levels will be tolerable during our time away and that my surgeon/therapists will have some insight to help me work through some of the abdominal pain especially as it really makes me feel nauseated at times and nothing seems to help relieve it.

• My husband has interviewed for a promotion with his company. If he does not get this promotion he will get demoted and his pay will decrease. Please pray that God will grant him this promotion as we could not make it financially on any less money (we already have to dip into our savings each year).

• Next month I have my disability case hearing. I have already been denied twice and this time I will appear before a judge with an attorney to plead my case. Please pray that the judge will have compassion and empathy for my situation and believe that I am truly disabled and in pain.

• Continue to pray that God would help me find a way to manage my pain (or even better that He would heal me!). Also pray that He would give us wisdom to know what to do about treatment options/therapies.

• Please pray that we would persevere and not lose heart. Pray that we would seek God even though it is discouraging, and it sometimes feels like He is not at work.

Thank you for continuing to journey with me. I am truly grateful for the prayers and support.

Tasty Tuesday: Grain free/Dairy Free Fish Sticks

My friend, Tara, over at We Got Real posted a great recipe for Grain Free/Dairy Free Fish Sticks that I tried out recently and thought I'd share.

Photo Source

I'm trying to incorporate more fish into our diet. I've never bought fresh wild caught fish before, but I sure know why people do now! I bought cod to make this recipe and it was so good, definitely better than frozen and it didn't taste "fishy" at all! Unfortuantely, it was a bit pricey for our normal food budget, but it was definitely a nice treat. This was also my first time cooking with almond flour and I really liked the taste of it! My daughter and husband loved it as well.

It was such a simple recipe. All it took was some fish, eggs, almond flour, seat salt, and coconut oil! It's almost too easy to call it a recipe :)

Check out the original recipe here and be sure to browse through all the other great recipes and posts over at We Got Real. Tara, is a wealth of knowledge when it comes to real food and healthy living!

Also, I'm now on Pinterest! So feel free to follow me, and if you see a recipe you like or a post that encourages you feel free to pin it for future reference.

Preparing For Easter

It's hard to believe today is Palm Sunday and Easter is only one week away. It still very much feels like winter here, but as I learned during my time in Africa, we Americans associate holidays entirely too much with the weather!

This past Thanksgiving and Christmas  I wanted to become more intentional about instilling tradition in my daughter and helping our family prepare for the holidays while focusing our hearts toward the reason for the holiday. I think it's even more important with chronic illness to ensure our focus is on Christ as the daily struggles of pain and disability can drag us down. When you feel so bad you can't get out of bed and partake in the celebrations it's easy to become cynical about holidays. It often doesn't feel like we have much to celebrate. But at Easter we celebrate the most important event in history--our Savior, Jesus, paid the penalty for our sins and rose from the dead so that we can have hope for this life and more importantly for the life to come; a life without suffering that will never end!

This year we have found several ways to focus on the Easter celebration with our daughter, who is 3.5 years old. Including this 40 day devotional and this 28 day devotional that our church provided each family with children for free this year.  But my favorite is the felt banner by heart FELT truths.  I made my own Christmas Advent Felt Calendar using the FREE instructions/printable from heart FELT truths, but I ordered the Easter Banner DIY Kit this year to save time.

This Banner has daily devotional readings from Palm Sunday to Easter and each day my daughter can put one or two felt pieces on the board that correspond with the passage of scripture. It is a really well made product and my daughter is super excited about it. She keeps asking "where is Jesus?" I haven't told her yet about the actual nails she will put in the cross and Jesus' "body" that will be placed in the tomb on Good Friday (pictured below in the open tomb).

 

 

On Good Friday a black piece of fabric is pulled over the banner.And then on Easter Sunday, Jesus' "body" is removed from the tomb and my daughter will wake up to this....

If you have a few minutes and some felt and craft glue you can make a banner like this yourself (even without the fancy tomb/dowel rod, kids will think it's great!), thanks to heart FELT truths' FREE symbols/instructions that can be downloaded from their website. But if that seems overwhelming, check out my friend, Suzanne Shares, where she gives another great "last minute" idea, Resurrection eggs, and even a link to a DIY option.

Maybe you're not a parent, or even if you are, I still encourage you to spend time preparing your own heart for Easter. Desiring God has a great FREE ebook for Holy Week and you can even find it on the YouVersion Bible app.

No matter how bad your circumstances are or how deep your hurt may be, you can find joy in the one who came to one day wipe away every tear and give us a hope and a future!

"For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." 1 Corinthians 1:18

How are you and your family preparing for Easter this year?