The past few days have been especially difficult. It feels like every muscle in my body is as hard as a guitar string. Without going into all the details, I hurt. Times like these I feel like a bad mother and wife. I don't have the energy to play with my daughter and I don't feel like engaging in a conversation with my husband. I don't cry nearly as often as I used to when pain first entered my life, but tonight is an exception. How will I continue to live a semi-normal life if things continue to progress? How am I going to work an 8 hour nursing shift tomorrow when my feet are killing me? Is this as good as I will ever be, physically, here on this Earth?
I opened up my Bible to read tonight and was greatly encouraged by Psalm 77.
1 To the choirmaster: according to Jeduthun. A Psalm of Asaph. I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, and he will hear me.
2 In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted.*
3 When I remember God, I moan; when I meditate, my spirit faints. Selah
4 You hold my eyelids open; I am so troubled that I cannot speak.
5 I consider the days of old, the years long ago.
6 I said, "Let me remember my song in the night; let me meditate in my heart." Then my spirit made a diligent search:
7 "Will the Lord spurn forever, and never again be favorable?
8 Has his steadfast love forever ceased? Are his promises at an end for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he in anger shut up his compassion?" Selah
10 Then I said, "I will appeal to this, to the years of the right hand of the Most High."
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your wonders of old.
12 I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds.
13 Your way, O God, is holy. What god is great like our God?
14 You are the God who works wonders; you have made known your might among the peoples.
15 You with your arm redeemed your people, the children of Jacob and Joseph. Selah
16 When the waters saw you, O God, when the waters saw you, they were afraid; indeed, the deep trembled.
17 The clouds poured out water; the skies gave forth thunder; your arrows flashed on every side.
18 The crash of your thunder was in the whirlwind; your lightnings lighted up the world; the earth trembled and shook.
19 Your way was through the sea, your path through the great waters; yet your footprints were unseen.
20 You led your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron.
* emphasis mine
It's easy in days like these to get depressed and to look back longingly on the "good" days before chronic pain entered my body. I can begin to question God's love and purpose for me. But like the psalmist I must cling to what is true. When I meditate on the mighty works of God both in my life and throughout the Bible, I can rest assured that God is good and His grace will get me through tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that, no matter what happens.