Should I Have a Baby (or get a puppy) When Chronically Ill?

Let me preface this post by saying, I in no way think puppies and babies are equal. Let's just get that out there. Babies have a soul and were created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27). While they are soft, cute, and cuddly, puppies do not have a soul and are not created in God's image. Puppies are not children and, of course if you've been around children much you know that they are not puppies. You can't put your child in a crate for hours at a time and leave the house, and you can't give a child away to an animal shelter when you get tired of them or realize you are in way over your head :)

I've long since wanted to blog about the difficult and emotional decision of whether or not to have children when chronically ill.  We are blessed to have a healthy and beautiful daughter and while I am thankful for her and never want to take her for granted (though of course, I do at times) I also never hoped to have only one child. But our life is very different from our dreams and so my husband and I have had to realize that due to the nature of my chronic pain and the degree of  my disability, it would not be wise to have another baby or welcome a child into our family through the beauty of adoption. Some days I accept this better than others, but the longer my pain goes on and the challenges I've seen with having a puppy in our house over the past couple of months (more on that to come) the more I know my body could not likely endure mothering another child (let alone the pains of pregnancy/childbirth).  Of course, God is the one who ultimately decides these things and so like all areas of our life, we desire to surrender this to Him and trust Him, but adding another child to our family is not something we are actively pursuing at this point.

But there are some of you that may be trying to decide whether to have a child when chronically ill, and what a hard decision it is! Last year, Lisa Copen, at Rest Ministries, a wonderful support ministry for those with chronic illness, gave me a copy of her e-book "Should I Have a Baby if I am Chronically Ill? The Ultimate Guide of Questions to Ask Yourself, Your Spouse, and Your Medical Team"

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Although I am not currently pursuing having another child, since my pain began right before I found out I was pregnant I can attest that the questions in this e-book are great questions to consider before having a child when chronically ill.  I really liked that Lisa begins with questioning our motive for wanting to have a baby. This is so critical, I think, because often we desire a baby for how it makes us feel or because we want to be like our friends who have children instead of thinking through the commitment and purpose of having a child and being a parent. Which I believe is primarily to bring glory to God and to train the child in the ways of the Lord so that he/she can then glorify God and share the gospel with others.

The book is just as the title suggests, a book of questions (over 400 in fact!) and while it is geared more toward the first-time parent, it would also be beneficial for those considering a second or even third child (especially if the illness came after the first child). Lisa has a section devoted to adoption and provides some resources for that, which I really appreciated as I think too often we don't consider adoption when thinking of having children. Lisa, of course is a great resource on this subject as she adopted her son while chronically ill. 

So what does this have to do with getting a puppy?

It's funny. I remember having newly married friends who would get a puppy before having children. I've even seen friends who struggle with infertility get small house dogs. Not being an animal lover (at least not during my adult years) and having never struggled with infertility I never really understood why. That is until I became chronically ill and now have a puppy myself.

In my last post I mentioned that we got a puppy kind of unexpectedly at Christmas this past year. I remember one of my best childhood friends had a small house-dog (a terrier of some type named, Destiny) that I thought was so cute and I thought it would be fun to have a small inside dog. But growing up we always had bigger outside dogs because we live in a more rural area.  A couple of years ago a friend of ours had a Yorkshire terrier that would just come lay in my lap when we visited their house. I thought it sure would be nice to have a dog to keep our daughter company, and I would enjoy having a companion on my bad days when I'm resting and when my husband works evenings. Then out of the blue we heard about someone selling Yorkie-poo pups. I saw a picture and told my husband, expecting him to say "not right now", but he didn't. The catch? I was to be the "primary care-giver" (of course my hubby is great and does help a lot, but I've tried to keep my end of the deal when I can). So, I researched and read and thought about it a lot and a few days later we brought home this little guy. (I was really interested to read that Yorkie-poos are good dogs for elderly people and make good therapy dogs!)

The first couple of days it was fun and he was so cute, mostly sleeping in our laps. Then as we started working on house-training, biting, chewing, jumping, obeying, walking on a leash, crating, getting him on a schedule, etc. I realized, this is no joke, it's hard work! I felt like I had a newborn again getting up with a puppy during the night to take him outside. Actually it was worse because this newborn could walk around and didn't wear a diaper!

Then it hit me...this is why young couples often get puppies before having kids! If you can survive house-breaking and training a dog then you can easily survive having a child. Well, maybe not easily, but it's definitely good practice.

Having a puppy has not been easy and several times I've wondered if I shouldn't have gotten a puppy since I have chronic pain. It hasn't helped that we have had one of the coldest and longest winters that I can remember and the extra work has been hard on my pain, but things are starting to get easier. The hope of course is that the short term struggle will produce long term gain and we will end up with a good family dog that we all enjoy. We still have several more of the "puppy" months to get through though!

It has been interesting caring for a small animal that weighs less than my daughter did when she was born. There's something relaxing (maybe even healing?) about holding a dog in your lap or having them snuggle up against you. And I guess I can understand a little why maybe having a dog is helpful for those who struggle with infertility (whether that be primary or secondary) or loneliness in general. But, again, my puppy is not a child and could never take the place of my daughter or fill the void of childlessness. Only Jesus can do that for any of our deepest longings.

So, am I saying you should just get a puppy instead of having a child when you are chronically ill? By no means! If you think having a child with your condition is wise and what God wants you to do then have a child (a puppy is no real comparison!) Should you get a puppy before having a child when you are chronically ill? I don't know, maybe. It might be helpful (in a very small way) allowing you to see how labor intensive it is to care for a baby. So, if you can't have children (or don't feel it's wise due to your condition), should you just find "healing" in getting a puppy and get over it? No. It's never that easy.

While a puppy might bring some happiness to your life, it can never heal you of the pain of not being able to have children (or more children, in my case). Only Jesus can heal the wounds of this pain-stricken, disease-infested, sin-filled world. Only He can give us true joy and peace and purpose for living when the world around us makes us feel like we're not "good enough" because we don't have children or a healthy body.  Again, we have to ask, what is our motive for wanting to have children when chronically-ill, and then after researching, thinking, praying, and seeking counsel trust that God knows best. He knows best whether we have only one child or several children. He knows best if we have a puppy and no children or a puppy and a child. And He knows best if the only companion we have in this life is Jesus. He knows best and He is enough, He is always enough. I am trying to trust that today.

The views and opinions expressed in this post are my own. They are not a direct reflection of Rest Ministries or Lisa Copen. I was given this e-book free of charge and I was not compensated for my review or publicity of this book. 

Five Years of Pain

I used to love the season of fall and everything that came with it - sweatshirts and jeans, crisp mornings, a big bowl of chili.  But not anymore. Fall is my worst enemy it seems. My pain flares more in the colder months, I can't find clothes to wear that are comfortable (other than my usual yoga pants), chili often gives me heartburn, and the 4pm sunset is pretty depressing for us all I think.

Even more, every fall I am reminded of my pain. This week marks five years with chronic pain. Wow, half a decade! When my pain began I could have never imagined it would become chronic, widespread, and debilitating as I was always so healthy and it started so spontaneously. Five years sounded like an eternity in my early days with pain, but in retrospect the time has actually passed quickly (though the days are often long). God has given me great grace to endure and continue to function most days with chronic pain. I remember the things I used to be able to do before pain, but I honestly don't remember what it felt like not to have pain every second on the day, and that's probably a good thing.

One of my favorite praise songs is "All I Have is Christ"(see video below). The last verse says,

                    Oh father use my ransomed life
                     In any way you choose
                    And let my song forever be
                   My only boast is You.

I used to sing these words before chronic pain and I thought I knew what it meant to say "father use my ransomed life in any way you choose." After all, I had surrendered to a life of overseas mission work. If God called me to a place of persecution and I had to lose my life for the sake of the gospel of Jesus Christ, I thought I could do that by God's grace. But I never thought God might choose pain and suffering for my ransomed life. In fact I never really thought about suffering on a personal level much, although I had seen intense suffering while living in Africa.  Despite being a nurse, I didn't really understand there was a world of young men and women suffering with chronic illness and pain.

My eyes have been opened to world of pain and hurt these past five years and I wouldn't change it. Of course I'd be happy to be done with this pain and have more active and easier life again, but the things I have learned through pain have changed me. They've given me great empathy for others in suffering and I've grown to trust God more than I ever did before. I've learned that this life is not about me and my happiness, but about God and His glory. I've learned suffering is the "norm" in the Christian life (John 16:33)  and I shouldn't be surprised by it (1 Peter 4:12). While I don't always see the good in my pain, I know God is good and He is using this for my good (Romans 8:28). And I take hope knowing that one day God will wipe away all our tears and make all things new again (Revelation 21:4-5).

Sometimes I think I'd rather pick a different ransomed life with a less intense form of suffering, but I know God has chosen this ransomed life specifically for me to accomplish His purposes and draw me to Himself. The thought of another 5 years of pain (or 10 or 20) seems daunting to me, and sometimes I wonder how long my body will be able to endure, but in reality whether I'm healthy or not all I have is Christ. My every breath is under His control (Job 12:10) and because of that I know I can endure whatever comes my way.

Sharing Christ's Sufferings

I can't believe it's been 6 weeks since I've blogged! For all my regular readers (if I still have any!) I'm so sorry. I have several posts in my head I'd like to write, but unfortunately my headaches and neck pain have continued for two long months now. I am conserving most of my computer usage/reading (as this flares up the pain) for my daily Bible study. (I am currently co-leading this Bible study, which has been great, but also stressful for me physically).

I've had a few days of reprieve here or there, but nothing long lasting and while I think the pain is structural coming from my sacroiliac joint dysfunction (pelvic misalignment) and resulting muscle compensation along the spine nothing I have tried has given me any lasting relief. Unfortunately, as I've mentioned many times before, I live over 2 hours away from my doctors and physical therapists and my local options have not been helpful for my complex case. I've had pelvic pain for close to 5 years now, so all of my medical professionals specialize in the pelvis. This is one of the hardest things about this type of chronic pain - trying to be my own doctor and figuring out how to get the next symptom that pops up back under control.

Today I was having a particularly hard day. My pain level was higher and I felt discouraged that I can't find a medical practitioner to help me with my head/neck pain. I try really hard not to cry or talk about my pain in front of my 4 year old daughter. But today she must have heard me in my room talking to my husband and crying. She came and hugged me and said,

"Mommy it's ok. I know your head and neck may not stop hurting on Earth, but one day it won't hurt anymore in heaven!"

My daughter quickly helped me remember that this world is not my home. And as I hugged her I felt joy that I could "share Christ's sufferings" (1 Peter 4:13) and in doing so help my daughter learn that Jesus is the greatest treasure of all - that nothing in this world, not even health, compares to Him.

Now, please don't get me wrong, I do not rejoice in my suffering the way I should. There are many days I wallow in self-pity, am mean to my husband, and a down right horrible example of Christ. But I am thankful that my suffering has allowed us the opportunity to teach my daughter about how to handle prayer that is not answered favorably (which is where she heard this response above), how to keep trusting in Christ when life is not easy, and how God is good when He gives and takes away.

I wish I could say, my break from blogging is over, but I'm not sure when or if my headaches will go away or become more manageable. Will you please pray that God will help me find resources to improve my pain or that He will take them away as quickly as they came on? And until then, please pray that God will help me to rejoice in my suffering and give me grace to endure this weary world.

Good News and Bad News

First, the good news: after over 4 years, 7 months of chronic debilitating pain and 21.5 months of wading through our nation's disability process....I have been approved!! The bad news is, I am disabled. 

It was bittersweet to read the judge's determination letter yesterday. While I've known I've been disabled for quite some time as I've had to give up so many of the activities that I love and I continue to struggle with abilities that are normal for a 30 year old woman, it seems more real to know that I am legally disabled. When asked my employment status on forms I will now have to write "disabled". My daughter has a disabled mother. My husband has a disabled wife.

It's not the life we wanted. Disability is not the "fairy tale" ending that anyone dreams of as a child. No amount of money could compensate for the physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional suffering of disability.

But we are extremely grateful for the extra income we will receive each month, no matter how small it is. This will help us offset some of our monthly bills, especially the medical bills, and allow us to hopefully save a little money again (something we have not been able to do for two years now).

So for all of you who are working hard and paying into social security each pay check. Thank you. It is very humbly to have to accept money and help from others, but please know that you are helping families like us bear the burden of chronic illness and disability.

I pray one day my health will return enough to where I can work again and will not need to rely on government based financial assistance because disability is not the goal. But until that day comes, either on this Earth or in my heavenly home, I accept the benefits of social security disability with a thankful heart knowing many around the world are suffering much worse than I am without opportunities for financial assistance.

Thank you for your faithful prayers concerning this over the last almost 2 years. And most importantly thank you to our great God who has shown us favor and granted our petitions!

"Melting Down Plastic People"

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Today I guest posted over at We Got Real about melting down "plastic people" in the church. It sure is easy to put on a façade when we walk through the church doors, but what does the Bible say about being real with the body of Christ?

We hear it all the time: “I don’t go to church because those people are hypocrites!” We think, “Oh, they don’t understand. We are misrepresented by a few who go to church but aren’t really following Christ.” And while that is often the case, do you ever look around the pews and think, “these people are so fake!”? Or, even worse, know that you are not real with your brothers and sisters you worship with each Sunday?

Those of us who reside in the United States live in a very private and individualistic culture. Even in the South where people are more hospitable, we are overall a “cold climate culture” (task-oriented) rather than a “hot-climate culture” (relationship-based). In most “hot-climate cultures” there is a group mentality. People live in community –they share their food, private lives, homes, etc. Their mentality is that what’s yours is mine and what is mine is yours. Sadly this is not the norm in our Western Culture and definitely not in most American churches.

Be sure to check out the rest of the post here for 5 ways we can strive to live in real community with other believers.

Guest Post: This Was Not Plan B

Below is a guest post from my friend, Bonnie. For the last year she has been dealing with some health issues that have recently caused great disappointment for her family. See seven truths Bonnie strives to remember when she is tempted to despair. I think you will be encouraged. I sure was!

On Valentine’s Day, we received news that the mission agency we’ve been in the application process with for the past three years denied our acceptance due to my current health situation.  This was definitely one of the top three most disappointing moments in the life of our marriage. The sinking sensation that accompanied the news was the same sort of feeling we experienced when we found out we would likely never have biological children and then a year later when the phone call came telling us our attempted domestic adoption fell through due to the birth mother changing her mind.  Karate kick.  In the gut.

The past two months of sorting through this realization has been perplexing for us, to say the least.  We never had a “Plan B” when it came to our career path as a couple.  For the past 13 years, living overseas in order to share the Gospel with the unreached is all my husband or I have ever wanted to do with our lives.  Over a decade of preparation, schooling, and plans seemed to crash into a wall of a million whys during those early weeks of coming to grips with the reality that our lives and ministries will be looking vastly different than we ever imagined.

I think what has been the hardest thing about this disappointment is the long-term reality of my health situation.  I know I’m not in a good place right now, and we are beginning to realize that it’s really not wise to consider moving overseas with any agency or company until I can get to a place where I’m able to consistently manage my pain. We have spent the past year begging the Lord for healing so that we can pursue career missions.  I have been anointed with oil, and prayed over by our pastors.  Countless friends and family have stood beside us to pray for healing in order that we may be sent out to areas where there is little Gospel witness.  I’ve tried multiple traditional and non-traditional methods to attack my condition from all angles.  We know God can heal and does heal but right now He has chosen not to for some profound reason.  He may heal me tomorrow.  Or He may never.  The reality that our long-term missions plans is taking a turn in a different direction has been a painful shift in our thinking.

God is kind to have given us time in the school of disappointment prior to this news.  Memories have flooded me over the past two months back to lessons formerly learned. I can remember the spring of 2009 driving home from Nashville sobbing beside my hubby with an empty car seat safely secured behind us as we grieved our failed adoption.  After breaking down the nursery and attempting to return the baby items we had purchased for the little guy we thought we were bringing home, we had to get away.  Like, far away where our cell phones didn’t have reception.  So we did what any sensible person would do in such situations and ran for the border- to Canada :)  Standing on the “Maid in the Midst” boat underneath the roar of Niagara Falls, God did something profound in my heart in the midst of that deep pain and disappointment.  He spoke peace, and comfort, and assurance from
Psalm 93:3-4:“The seas have lifted up, O LORD, the seas have lifted up their voice; the seas have lifted up their pounding waves.  Mightier than the thunder of the great   waters, mightier than the breakers of the sea- the LORD on high is mighty.”

And as I have remembered that time, I am reminded that once again God on high is mightier than this current storm in our souls and that He is with us.  He is walking beside us in our disappointment with a comfort and peace that surpasses understanding. 

Another glimpse into past lessons learned reminds me that through the disappointment of infertility God did something far more beautiful in the life of our family than I could ever have dreamed.  Adoption wasn’t plan  “B” for us.  It was... always... in the heart of  God. His good and perfect plan for our family.  As I contemplate that, I’m reminded that this current loss of a career missions dream is no different.  This wasn’t plan “B” for us.  He is sovereignly working out something beautiful for our future that we just can’t understand right now just as He worked infertility for our good by allowing us to adopt our two beautiful children from Ethiopia.

I have to confess the past two months have been pretty up and down emotionally.  One day we’re thrilled for what God has next and excited to see what doors He opens up.  The next moment, we are so deeply saddened and burdened to not be able to be on the front lines of ministry that we just want to cry.  Other days there’s just numbness to the whole thing and a desire to just block out the pain and not even think about it.  There is a proper time to grieve, and to be sad over lost dreams.  We don’t have to walk around with a stiff upper lip to the sorrows that beset us in life.  We can pour out our hearts to God and others by keeping it real.  And He promises to comfort.  And then- you gotta move on.  To a place where you live out hope on the steadfast promises of God even when your circumstances confound you. 

My heart WANTS to hold to His promises when my emotions and the world and Satan tell me to despair.  I long to fight the fears that lie ahead and the doubts inside that say nothing good can come from this.  I want to be steadfast in hope in the midst of disappointment even when my weepy heart just wants to eat chocolate and wallow in sadness.  God is not ripping us off.  So when I get those feelings, Lord, help me to remember....


#1-God is good.  He is absolutely, unequivocally working on behalf of the good of His children.  ALWAYS. 

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

 #2- God is wise.  He sees the end from the beginning and there is no telling what He is protecting us (and you!) from when he says “no” to the things we so deeply desire. 

“Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!” Romans 11:33 

#3- God is sovereign. He gives, and He takes away.  He opens the womb and He closes it.  He appoints men to ministry positions and He denies them.  He opens doors for jobs and He shuts them.  He sustains life and He takes it.  He lets adoptions go through and He allows others to fail. And all of this stems from His amazing love for us. 

“John answered, “A person cannot receive even one thing unless it is given him from heaven.” John 3:27

#4- God is our Redeemer.  When we look at Scripture and the ways He has on countless occasions turned painful situations for the good of His children (ie: Abraham, Joseph, Daniel, Moses, Paul), how can we not trust He will do likewise in our own lives? Our little Ethiopian miracles remind me everyday that He is a redeeming God.  I don’t understand how He’s going to work my physical trials and our loss of dreams for our good but I’m banking my hope that He will redeem this sorrow because He says He will. 

“O Israel, hope in the Lord! For with the Lord there is steadfast love, and with him is plentiful redemption. And he will redeem Israel from all his iniquities.” Psalm 130:7-8

#5- God is our Refiner.  He loves us too much to leave us as we are.  He knows exactly what it will take to bring His children to deeper places of trust and reliance on Him.  He uses all of our disappointments in life to bring out what is truly deep in our hearts.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  He wants to purify us, and our holiness is His pursuit far above our physical happiness. 

“Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness.” Hebrews 12:10

#6- Christ is our identity.  On days when my body aches and I physically can’t do all that I long to, this truth brings me so much hope. I could never do enough good to outweigh my bad.  Never.  I was a slave to sin and separated from God because of my rebellion.  Christ took all of my sin and shame on the cross, so that I can have a right relationship with Him forever.  So that I can love Him and commune with Him, and be near Him for all eternity.  My identity is not in the titles I do or do not hold such as “mother”, “wife”, “missionary”, or “teacher” but in my ultimate standing as “child of God”!

“See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are.” 1 John 3:1

#7- God is our hope.  I’m sure this will not be the last time in life that we will walk through seasons of grief and disappointment.  If all of our hope was placed on our dreams we would be sorely disappointed.  Over, and over again.  Material possessions, and plans, and dreams cannot be the source of our joy, satisfaction, and trust.  Our relationship with Christ and the knowledge of His true and steadfast character is THE only thing in this fallen world that will give us lasting hope.  All other cisterns will run dry and disappoint. 

“O Israel, hope in the Lord! For with the Lord there is steadfast love, and with him is plentiful redemption.” Psalm 130:7

Thank you Lord that you indeed are a good, wise, sovereign, redeeming, refining God of hope in whom we can place all of our trust.  Thank you that indeed goodness and mercy are following us as your children all the days of our lives even when our circumstances confound us (Psalm 23:6).  Thank you that though we walk dimly here on earth in the midst of a thousand perplexing “whys” you will one day make all wrong right and reveal to us your infinite wisdom in how you shaped our circumstances to protect us and to make us more like You.  Thank you that you are a good God; worthy of our trust and of our very lives.  Help us to honor you in this new season of change, Lord and to bank all of our hopes on You.

Chronic Illness and the Fears of Facebook

I recently read this article about social media and the temptation to be envious of the lives of others. As one with chronic illness, it's easy to find my heart discontent after scrolling through a few status updates on Facebook. But the truth is pictures, tweets, and status updates are not REAL life, are they?No one can see the hurt and pain behind those snapshots on beach, but unfortunately that does not mean it's not there.

Ironically, when I first began to have debilitating pain, I remember seeing a picture of my beautiful college friend on Facebook. I thought to myself, "She is so lucky, her life is so easy." I hadn't spoken to her in several months, so my thoughts were based solely on how happy she looked in her pictures. I soon found out that my friend was actually miserable and her marriage was falling a part.

I knew that my outside appearance didn't justify the pain I was experiencing, yet I held my friends on Facebook to a higher standard. And I still catch myself doing it now from time to time.

Because I know I am tempted to judge someone based on what I see on social media, I feel I have to be so careful what I post about myself. Afterall, what will someone think if they see pictures of me smiling on a vacation? Without talking to me they will likely think I'm feeling better (if they even know I'm ill at all!).

And it's not just social media. I find myself worried about taking a short walk outside if I feel up to it. I don't want people to see me driving by and think, "She looks fine to me, what's wrong with her anyway!"  I want to hide from people when I see them out while I'm shopping. I dread the questions and I feel they must be thinking, "Well, if she can shop, surely she can work." As if a pain filled trip to Target compares to a 12+ hour labor intensive nursing shift! Sadly, when living with chronic pain one must learn to do just that live as best they can in pain.

I enjoy seeing pictures of old friends' children and keeping up with people I would have lost contact with through the years, if not for social media, but I do not like the way it makes me worry about what others think of me and the jealously I often feel when secretly peering into the lives of others. I want to live my life without worrying what other people think about me all the time, but it's a challenge. And I think social media has only made it worse honestly. Sometimes I think I will deactivate my social media accounts, but chronic illness isolates me so much from the world already it is difficult to remove the primary way I communicate with others when pain often keeps me at home.

I have met many wonderful people also struggling with chronic pain via social media and this blog. And I am thankful for that community, but let's be honest, true community happens primarily in real life. My 400 Facebook friends can a smiling picture of me with my Sunday School class as we gathered for the 6+ hour intensive Secret Church a few weeks ago, but they cannot see that I had to lay on an air mattress in order to participate and even then I wasn't without pain.

Whether we like it or not technology is our future, and although it has it's weaknesses, it's not really the problem. The problem is our hearts. They are desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9). Our hearts long for what we don't have and think up evil thoughts about others. Our hearts worry instead of living in the freedom we have in Christ (Romans 8:1). Our hearts look for entertainment online instead of seeking first the Kingdom of God (Matthew 6:33).

I cannot control the thoughts of others, but I can control my own thoughts (by the grace of God) and I can use discretion when posting pictures and information on social media sites.  I can entrust my worries and fears to God who judges justly (1 Peter 2:23). And most importantly I can strive to build real open and honest community amongst the people I live.

How do you handle the challenges of chronic invisible illness and social media?

Preparing For Easter

It's hard to believe today is Palm Sunday and Easter is only one week away. It still very much feels like winter here, but as I learned during my time in Africa, we Americans associate holidays entirely too much with the weather!

This past Thanksgiving and Christmas  I wanted to become more intentional about instilling tradition in my daughter and helping our family prepare for the holidays while focusing our hearts toward the reason for the holiday. I think it's even more important with chronic illness to ensure our focus is on Christ as the daily struggles of pain and disability can drag us down. When you feel so bad you can't get out of bed and partake in the celebrations it's easy to become cynical about holidays. It often doesn't feel like we have much to celebrate. But at Easter we celebrate the most important event in history--our Savior, Jesus, paid the penalty for our sins and rose from the dead so that we can have hope for this life and more importantly for the life to come; a life without suffering that will never end!

This year we have found several ways to focus on the Easter celebration with our daughter, who is 3.5 years old. Including this 40 day devotional and this 28 day devotional that our church provided each family with children for free this year.  But my favorite is the felt banner by heart FELT truths.  I made my own Christmas Advent Felt Calendar using the FREE instructions/printable from heart FELT truths, but I ordered the Easter Banner DIY Kit this year to save time.

This Banner has daily devotional readings from Palm Sunday to Easter and each day my daughter can put one or two felt pieces on the board that correspond with the passage of scripture. It is a really well made product and my daughter is super excited about it. She keeps asking "where is Jesus?" I haven't told her yet about the actual nails she will put in the cross and Jesus' "body" that will be placed in the tomb on Good Friday (pictured below in the open tomb).

 

 

On Good Friday a black piece of fabric is pulled over the banner.And then on Easter Sunday, Jesus' "body" is removed from the tomb and my daughter will wake up to this....

If you have a few minutes and some felt and craft glue you can make a banner like this yourself (even without the fancy tomb/dowel rod, kids will think it's great!), thanks to heart FELT truths' FREE symbols/instructions that can be downloaded from their website. But if that seems overwhelming, check out my friend, Suzanne Shares, where she gives another great "last minute" idea, Resurrection eggs, and even a link to a DIY option.

Maybe you're not a parent, or even if you are, I still encourage you to spend time preparing your own heart for Easter. Desiring God has a great FREE ebook for Holy Week and you can even find it on the YouVersion Bible app.

No matter how bad your circumstances are or how deep your hurt may be, you can find joy in the one who came to one day wipe away every tear and give us a hope and a future!

"For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." 1 Corinthians 1:18

How are you and your family preparing for Easter this year?

Wanting More Than God's Grace

Last week I was sick with a nasty virus/cold of some sort. I didn't eat hardly anything for 3 days and was so weak and felt so chilled that I couldn't hardly get out of bed from under my heating blanket! Praise God, I'm starting to feel like myself again, even though that self is still full of pain.

While I was suffering last week I remember thinking, "thank you God I don't feel like this all the time!" Being sick and hardly able to raise my head helps put a life of chronic pain in perspective. When I'm really down physically I often think if I can just get back to where I was before then I'll be happy. Unfortunately that's not usually the case though.

During the first two weeks of my recovery from FAI/labral hip tear surgery  I was so scared I was developing CRPS or a worsening of central sensitization. I couldn't walk, my operative leg was darker and my legs were burning worse than normal. I remember praying that God would just allow me to be able to stand and walk again. I thought, with that I will be satisfied.

I am walking now and while I am not 100% back to my pre-op self, I am functioning decently for my "normal" limitations. But, guess what? I still want MORE! Yes, I'm happy and so thankful I can walk short distances again but I want to be able to walk through the grocery store without my hip feeling locked up, my sacrum burning, and that stabbing pain in my thoracic area. I want my full strength back.

Last week I heard the song, "Your Grace is Enough" by Matt Maher  (you can listen to part of his story behind the song here).

Some of the lyrics:

Great is your faithfulness, oh God
You wrestle with the sinner's restless heart 
You lead us by still waters and to mercy
And nothing can keep us apart

So remember your people
Remember your children 
Remember your promise, oh God

Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough, for me

Then it hit me. Do I REALLY believe God's grace is enough? Or even more, am I satisfied with God's grace for me? The truth is, I have to be because that's all I'm promised in this life.

God doesn't promise our lives will be easy or go the way we desire, that we'll get the job, have children, or be healed from debilitating pain. But He does promise to give us enough grace to withstand life's hardships.

But he [the Lord] said to me [apostle Paul], "My grace is enough for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9, NET)

When it doesn't feel like His grace is enough, I am leaning too much on my own strength. Because when we look to God and ask Him for strength, He will never withhold it from His children. And His grace is enough.

O for grace to trust Him more!  ("Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus")

Tasty Tuesday : A New Column and Hobby

When battling chronic pain and illness, depression, stress, and anxiety are sure to come. I love it when I go to a new PT or doctor and the new patient forms ask if I am depressed or stressed. I want to say, "What do you think?! You deal with chronic pain everyday for the last four years and see how you feel!". My depression and anxiety come in spurts and my outlook often corresponds with my pain levels, but thankfully God has given me the grace to continue to fight the good fight of faith.

The best medicine for depression and anxiety is scripture. Nothing convicts, comforts, and redirects like God speaking through His word. When I'm down and discontent the most important thing I can do is seek God and His kingdom first (Matthew 6:33) because nothing else in life will ever truly satisfy me.

But I do think it is important when dealing with a chronic health condition that has no end in sight to pursue at least one hobby, especially if you can no longer work. It may be something like reading or knitting, keeping up with current events or photography. For many of us our former hobbies are no longer possible so we've had to find new hobbies or dust the cobwebs off old ones. Often our hobbies will change depending on how our illness advances or regresses, but having something to distract from the pain and frustration of chronic illness can work wonders on one's outlook. Of course it is a constant battle (at least for me) not to spend too time on my hobbies and thereby neglect spending time with God.  So as with all things in life, balance is key.

Cooking has been a hobby of mine for the last several years. I grew up with a mother and grandmother who were good cooks. Most of our meals were eaten at home and I was never underfed. I was busy during much of my formative years as a competitive swimmer and so I never took the time to learn how to cook until I left home. Then I spent 2 years in East Africa and it was there that I began to dabble in cooking, mostly from scratch, since that's all I had! When I was first married I enjoyed preparing meals for my husband and trying out recipes. I was very "health conscious" and tried to cook low fat (mostly because I was consumed with my body image) which I've since learned is not really healthy at all. Cooking is something I still enjoy, but I often find it difficult to shop for the ingredients and prepare meals. So I've resorted to a lot of freezer meals that I've prepared in advance on "better days" or that were given to me by the generosity of my church family and friends. Homemade freezer meals are not a bad option (especially compared to fast food or pre-made dinners), but I know some of what we've been eating is not the healthiest option. But then again what do you do when you're too ill to cook healthy food? It's a hard situation. Thankfully I have an amazing husband who helps out a TON in the kitchen - don't know how I'd make it without him!

During my recovery from surgery I've been researching a lot about nutrition and health. Over the years several people have asked me if I've tried diet modifications for my pain, but I was always doubtful that it would have any effect; plus it's expensive! Well, I'm learning that major diet modification is expensive, but I'm beginning to think there may be more of a correlation between diet and overall health than I realized. I'm in the process of considering some dietary changes for several reasons and I hope to post more about that in the future. But don't worry, this blog isn't going to become a food or nutrition blog (though I love reading those blogs!). My primary purpose of writing is to encourage others and suffer well to the glory of God.

I do, however, want to start a new "column" on the blog. A friend of mine posts recipes she has tried and liked on her blog on Tuesdays for a "Tasty Tuesday" post. I've been enjoying pinning lots of new recipes to try on Pinterest so I thought I'd share some of them when I try them out. Maybe one day I'll actually get to be a real cook with my own recipes to share!

Tonight menu: Spicy Quinoa Stuffed Avocados and 2 Ingredient Cookies (actually I used four: bananas, oats, unsweetened coconut, chocolate chips)

Definitely need to work on my food photography skills!



 

 



 

The Stuffed Avocados were REALLY good, but I LOVE Mexican food. My 3 year old even ate this (separated out into quinoa, beans, corn, chips, and mashed avocado mixed with salsa)! I opted out of the cilantro "sour cream" due to time, but would love to try that next time. This was an easy meal too and decently cheap due to avocados that I got on sale for .39 each!

The cookies were pretty good to not have any flour in them. They were a little dry so I had to scrub the cookie sheet a bit for cleanup. I'm thinking a tablespoon of coconut oil might really with this and give them some added taste and nutritional benefit. But this is a great alternative for those trying to avoid dairy, gluten (as long as your oats are gluten free), or sugar (if you omit the chocolate chips)!

What about you....what hobbies have you picked up while dealing with chronic illness? Do you find it helps you cope with your situation better?

Doing "Big" Things for God

As Americans we are taught from the time we are born to dream big. We are told we can accomplish anything and not to sell ourselves short. This desire to do big things often carries over into our walk with God. As followers of Jesus we want to actively serve God (which is a good thing!), and for many of us, we want to have a significant impact on the world for the kingdom of God.  Baptist missionary to India, William Carey, urged others to go and share the good news of Jesus in a sermon in 1792 with the famous words, "Expect great from God and attempt great things for God".

I'm a "doer" as I've shared before and for as long as I can remember I have been involved in ministry through my church. While there are hardships that come with a life called to overseas missionary service, after spending two years in Africa, I learned there is a lot of excitement, adventure, and prestige associated with being a missionary. Some people are scared to death God might call them to leave their comforts, go live in a grass hut, and tell people about Jesus. My husband and I are scared of NOT going overseas! We loved living in another cultural context and working full-time to build relationships with people sharing the hope of Jesus. And honestly, I enjoyed the fulfillment I received from doing something worthwhile, something that felt "big", to the kingdom of God (though in reality it was actually something very small).

Unfortunately now I am the recipient of ministry more than I am the one ministering, and this is not easy to swallow. In the world of chronic pain, much of my energy is sadly focused on managing my pain and taking care of my family as best I can. Many days I feel I don't attempt anything for God, let alone something big. Sometimes I feel like if I could just see something significant for the kingdom of God come about in our family because of my pain, then I would be able to handle the suffering it has brought better.

Recently I was reading in Charles Spurgeon's Faith's Checkbook as he commented on Psalm 115:13, "He will bless those who fear the Lord, both the small and the great." Spurgeon said:

Our God has a very gracious consideration for those of small property, small talent, small influence, small weight. God careth for the small things in creation and even regards sparrows in their lighting upon the ground. Nothing is small to God, for he makes use of insignificant agents for the accomplishment of His purposes. Let the least among men seek of God a blessing upon his littleness, and he shall find his contracted sphere to be a happy one. (February 21 entry)
 

The truth is, none of us do can anything big for God in our own strength, but by His grace God uses us, as insignificant as we are, to accomplish His purposes. What seems insignificant to us, may be what God uses to impact His kingdom greatly.

Though I may not be able to go overseas and share the good news of Jesus because of a weak body, I can pray for earnestly for missionaries and for the needs of those living around me. I may not be able to feed the poor, but I can encourage and pray for those who do. I may not be able to lead ministries in my church, but I can send notes with scripture to those hurting in my church and community. These things feel small in comparison to what my healthy body used to do, but the same God who watches the sparrows (Matthew 10:29-31) knows me and my limitations. In fact He ordained my weakness just as He gave me the strength to live in Africa as a missionary. Oh, that I may happily serve God in my "contracted sphere" for His glory, not my conceited fulfillment of accomplishing something "big".

Another Great Blog to Check Out!

Remember my friend, "Victoria" , a young mother with chronic pain, who blessed us with several guest posts last year? She is such a gifted writer and has began blogging at Finding Joy and Peace Through Pain! She is still working on some of the pages, but she's already written some challenging posts I think you will find encouraging as she seeks to glorify God through her suffering.

If new to The Purpose of Pain be sure to check out Victoria's other posts:

• When They're All Screaming!
• The Selfish Guilt of Chronic Illness
• Starting Things You Can't Finish (The 5th most read post of all time on The Purpose of Pain!)
• Letting Others In When You Are Suffering
• Chronic Pain and the Weeds of Sin

Being Honest About Anger

 I feel like I've been struggling to blog substantial posts these last few months unless they are general updates about my health. Maybe it's writer's block or the fact that I struggle to find a comfortable position to type for any length of time, but I think it might be more than that.

When I began this blog over 2 years ago, I began it mostly as a way to communicate updates to my family and friends while sharing how God was growing me spiritually through my suffering with the hopes of encouraging others with chronic pain and illness. I've read lots of blogs where people share their battles with diagnosis and treatment of chronic pelvic pain, but in the end most of them seem to get at least some better.

That's really the kind of blog I wanted to have. I wanted to share about my journey with pain intertwined with devotional spiritual growth posts of how God was working all this for my good, and then evetually end on a happy note that though my life wasn't 100% "normal" anymore, I had come through the worst. I have appreciated the ministries of people like Joni Eareckson Tada and Lisa Copen of Rest Ministries, but I didn't want to be the person who lives with continued debilitating illness.

I can honestly say I am thankful for my pain. I've seen a lot of good come from it....I've grown in my faith, learned so much, met some great people, my family and friends have learned about the realities of chronic pain, my daughter is growing up to be empathetic to suffering, our marriage has been forced to focus on "the primary things", and the list goes on and on. But I feel like, "I've been there and done that". I've suffered for "a little while" and my faith has proven to be genuine (1 Peter 1:6-7), right God? So isn't it time to remove this trial from my life?

Even early into my pain journey felt like I would probably always have some chronic pain to deal with long term, but I really thought that I would eventually have a better quality of life again. Unfortuantely though my condition has just continued to decline. I may have a few weeks here and there where I am a little higher functioning, but I've continued to develop new and worsening pain as the years go on, and I am still unable to sit for more than a few minutes or do the things that most young mothers do without a second thought.

I know I am only 6 weeks post-op hip surgery. I knew going into it that recovery would be SLOW and I would not likely see overall improvement in my pain levels for several months. My hip pain from surgery continues to improve and I am beginning to get back on my feet and do a little more. But hip pain was just a very small part of my overall complex pain, with the most debilitating pain being in my pelvic floor and sacrum/low back. I was/am (depending on the day or even hour!) hopeful that the hip pain was a big piece of the massive puzzle of my pelvic pain. And maybe it is....but it's hard to believe that the two are related when I still have the same old pains I had pre-op and new pains from surgery. It's so difficult to understand how these pains are going to get better when I can't do basic strengthening for my hip without flaring up.

Lately it honestly feels like this is it. I mean, I have tried so many treatments without relief and if this surgery doesn't help, then I don't know what to do because I don't really understand what exactly is causing my pain. The last four years have been so hard. Not only are we dealing with the loss of my health, but also the loss of our dreams to serve as missionaries overseas, the frustrations of living off one low income, and living in a town we don't want to live.

And if I continue to be honest, I've been struggling with a lot of bitterness towards others because of things they have done or things that they haven't done that I want them to do. I want people to understand my struggles and care for me more. I'm frustrated that my husband has a seminary degree, but is working horrible shifts in entry-level retail management. I want to move to a bigger city so my husband can get a better job and I can have more access to medical care, but God just doesn't seem to be opening doors, and many days I am so lonely and tired of not being able to do what I want that I could scream!

Recently, my husband confronted me and said, "You aren't really bitter at these other people or frustrated because of where we live, you're mad at God." Ouch! Of course I said, "No, I'm not...you don't understand!" I'm not angry with God...I'm long past that struggle, right? But the truth is I'm not. I get angry because our circumstances are not what I want, people don't do what I want, and God doesn't answer my prayers the way that I want.

But what does God want?

Later in 1 Peter, we see some of the things God wants for His children:

"Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct," 1 Peter 1:13-15

God wants us to set our hope that on a healthy body, living in an exciting place, and an important job? No. We are to set our hope on the grace that will be brought to us when Jesus comes back to Earth to claim those who have been redeemed. And while we wait for His coming we are to be holy, imitating Jesus in our conduct, not following our sinful desires and the ways of the world.

We should not sit around with long faces thinking "woe is me" because we've been born again to a living hope in Christ Jesus (1 Peter 1:3), and this is what we rejoice in (1 Peter 1:6) even if the "little while" that we suffer is the 80+ years of our life on this Earth. That is still a "little while" in comparison to eternity! Isn't it better that I suffer if that is what it takes to make me more like Jesus so that my faith will result in faith, glory, and honor when my life on Earth is finished (1 Peter 1:7)?

I know these things are true. But let's be honest in the day in day out trenches of suffering believing these truths are not always easy. The pull of this world is hard, and I want to have my future heaven on Earth now. But even if my physical health is restored, it will eventually fail again at some point in my life, and in the meantime there will be other sufferings arise. Afterall, Jesus told us this we would have tribulations in this world (John 16:33).

I may one day get to a point where my pain is less and I can resume a more high functioning lifestyle (I sure pray that I do!), but at the same time I have to be willing to accept that life may not get better on this Earth. Being angry with God will not change my circumstances. But, rejoicing in Jesus, striving to be more like Him by His grace, and setting our hope on our future inheritence does give a life of suffering great purpose.

From Invisible to Visible

I have had invisible chronic pain for over 4 years now. Many days I do not leave the house but when I do, the outside world sees what appears to be a healthy 30 year old woman. Recently an elderly lady shared with me at the drug store about the frustrations of living off a social security check that didn't provide well enough for her. All the while I thought to myself, "yes I am quite disgruntled with social security system myself", as I found out it is going to be several more months before I am granted a hearing for my denied disability case. But to the naked eye I seem to be in the prime of my life!

I went to the warm water pool at our local YMCA today. As I've discussed before being in the water is the only place I feel very much reduction in pain. I'm 2.5 weeks post op labral hip/FAI repair and I managed the visit ok with my handy grabber (since i cant bend over) special device to put my socks on (because i can't flex my hip past 90 degrees), and most importantly my husband.

As I got out of the car with my crutches I was like a magnet - people offering to open the door for me, asking what happened, and giving looks of sympathy. I have to admit it was nice for a change to be acknowledged that there is something wrong with my body instead of just some mysterious pain that no one can see.

I've been to that same pool many times before and sometimes even in worse pain (though obviously with better mobility), but I never received any offers for help or acknowledgement of my condition that has disabled me. Physical pain is a strange thing. It wrecks havoc on the lives of millions of people, yet it is never really visible. Sure one might carry a cane or have a deformity that looks painful. They might even cry or wince when the painful area is touched but even then no one, not even those dearest to them, can actually see or more importantly feel the pain.

Do I want to have to use crutches long term in order to have pain that is "visible" to the world? No, my hands are killing me and I'm so ready to be able to carry something by myself again! I definitely do not envy those who are bound to wheelchairs or even worse, the bed. This surgery sure has made me thankful for the ability to walk! But I do get tired of people asking me how I'm feeling only to say, "Well, you sure look good" or even worse people ignoring my pain altogether just because they can't see that there is something wrong with me.

Thankfully there is Someone who really knows my (and all the other millions of people's) pain - the "man of sorrows" (Isaiah 53:3). Whether I am on crutches or appear on the outside to be completely healthy, my pain is not invisible to Jesus. He came to take upon himself our sins and will one day remove my invisible pain forever.

Man of Sorrows! what a name

For the Son of God, who came

Ruined sinners to reclaim.

Hallelujah! What a Savior!

Guest Post - "The Doing of Christmas"

I am a doer, and I come from a long line of doers. Despite being in their late 70’s, my grandparents get up every day with a list of things to do, and they don’t stop until it is checked twice. The holidays are a busy time for my extended family. We usually gather together four times over a 2 week period to celebrate family, gifts, and my grandmother’s baked Christmas goodies.

Before my chronic pain, I enjoyed the 8 hour Christmas Day marathon of eating, unwrapping presents, and playing games. I loved joining my family in the busyness of the Christmas season – shopping, baking, decorating, and ministering to those in need with the Church. But now, even normal everyday tasks are often a challenge for me and sitting is torture, which often makes family gatherings miserable.

I am no longer able to be a “doer”.

It’s easy to get sucked into the mentality that Christmas = busyness, and if you are not involved in the hustle and bustle of taking your children to all the Christmas traditions you enjoyed then you aren’t really celebrating Christmas. And it’s even more tempting to think that you aren’t serving God if you can’t ring bells for the Salvation Army, buy clothing for a needy family or cook a meal for the local homeless shelter.

But what does God say about doing and being busy?

 

To read the rest of my post go to Finding Purpose in the Pain where I am posting today as a contributing writer.

 

Five Years Together

This weekend my husband and I celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary. (You can read our "love story" here.) We took a much needed little trip this past week (the first time we had traveled just the two of us for pleasure since our first anniversary). While it was not a normal anniversary trip - I lied in the back of the car on an egg crate and slept while my husband drove and we were very limited on what we could do - it was  surprisingly a good time of rest and encouragement for our marriage.

I've read several marriage books, blogs, and listed to speakers who stress the importance of weekly date nights and annual trips (or even more frequent if the couple can manage) away without children. But chronic illness often makes marriage very difficult - from the constant pain or fatigue to the financial struggles to the healthy spouse having to often fulfill both the husband and wife roles of the marriage - and date nights become just a distant memory. Marriage becomes more about surviving than intimacy, mutual support, or even just companionship.

Over the last couple of years I have frequented online forums with the chronic pelvic pain community and I have been so saddened by the number of divorces that have taken place. The healthy spouse basically gives up when life gets too hard, despite vowing to love and care for their spouse in sickness and in health.

Every time I see another spouse leave or stay with clenched fists and no support I realize that could be me, were it not for the grace of God. What keeps my husband committed to our marriage when our dreams of being missionaries overseas have been shattered and he is forced to work a low-paying job in a town he never wanted to live, when our intimate life is almost non-existent, when he often has to take over the domestic duties in addition to working a full-time job, and when there seems to be no end in sight to our troubles? God.

My husband is a great guy, but there is nothing in and of himself that would ever be able to withstand the hardships of our marriage apart from God working through him giving him love for me and helping him stay faithful.

Every night we read to our daughter from the Jesus Storybook Bible and through each story the author points the reader to "God's Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love". This is the kind of love we are to have for our spouse as marriage is to be a picture of Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:32). Jesus gave his life for us and God will never stop loving and pursuing his children.

Jesus told us we would have trouble in this world (John 16:33), and marriage is not exempt from suffering. Our marriage is far from perfect and many days it is a sad representation Jesus and His church, but we press on by God's grace. We are not living our "best life now" but we have hope knowing "that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us" (Romans 8:18).

I am so thankful for my husband's faithfulness and commitment to me during these years of dealing with such a complex and difficult to treat condition. No matter what the future holds, I pray God will continue to keep us and strengthen our love for one another as we strive to stay married and serve God in sickness or in health.

Hope

When dealing with a chronic illness, hope is extremely important. I frequent several online forums and support groups and people are constantly encouraging each other to not give up hope. As Larry, a fellow pelvic pain sufferer said, "Hope -- just never gave up hope. I believe hope is just about everything."

Some days it seems my overall pain level can vary based on my outlook and whether or not I feel hopeful (and of course vice versa - if my pain levels are low I obviously feel more hopeful). When I'm going to see a new doctor or even have a massage appointment that I know is not going to "fix" me , I often am encouraged again to have hope because I am doing something and not just laying around in my pajamas another day trying to make the best of it all.

Almost 2 weeks ago I had my infusions. I'll spare you all the details, but let's just say it was an interesting experience. Unfortuantely my doctor had only tried this infusion on one other patient and there was no real protocol in place. The amount of medications they gave me were no where near the amount needed to have any therapeutic effect according to all the research I've read, and the whole experience was a little traumatic. My doctor said not to come back a third day if I didn't have any relief -which I didn't - and I knew there was no point as one more day of such a low dosage wasn't going to have any more effect. I actually left after the 2nd day with more pain, I assume due to the trauma of the whole experience. I am still experiencing more burning in my legs and feet and unfortuantely nothing really gives me any relief from this horrible symptom. I wasn't expecting these infusions to cure me, but I was hopeful to get at least a little relief . I sure didn't expect to have an increase in pain!

To be honest, I've been pretty despondent and discouraged. WHAT is God doing?! WHY can't I find even a little relief? I'm so, so tired of trying to figure out what is wrong with me and how to treat my crazy pain that no one seems to understand (other than all my pelvic pain buddies I've met online - love you guys!). Throw in all my current GI issues and it almost feels like more than I can bear.

I have just tried so many treatments over the years. I've researched, I've prayed, I've tried to seek God's wisdom and I only seem to get worse. I honestly do not know of other treatments I can try apart from flying and spending lots of money to see a specialist who deals with CRPS (chronic regional pain syndrome - which some of my symptoms seem to match) and try more infusions like this or having arthrosopic hip surgery for my labral tear which may or may not fix any of my pain and could make the pain worse if I am truly dealing with CRPS. So is this it? I'm 30 years old. Should I just accept it and pray I can somehow manage the pain for the rest of my life?

I know God is in control and that my hope should be in Him, but it is very hard to feel hopeful when I cannot sit for more than 20-30 minutes (in pain) on a good day and when I can't fall asleep because it feels like my legs are on fire and I can't even stand for them to touch the pillow that is inbetween my legs - the one position in which I used to find some relief. Is this what I have to look forward to - a continual progression of agony?

Then I was convicted the other day - I really have just as much hope when I am lying in bed with worsening pain, uncomfortable burping after each drink of water, and no prospect of future treatment as I do when I am preparring to try a new treatment to rid me of my physical ailments or visting with a doctor or having a less painful day because my hope is in Christ.

I can relate to some of the anguish the writer of Lamentations expresses in chapter 3:

surely against me he [God] turns his hand again and again the whole day long. He has made my flesh and my skin waste away; he has broken my bones; he has besieged and enveloped me with bitterness and tribulation; (v. 3-5)

He has walled me about so that I cannot escape; he has made my chains heavy; though I call and cry for help, he shuts out my prayer;  (v. 7-8)

 my soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say, "My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the LORD."  (v. 17-18)
 

But then the writer remembers:

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD. (Lamentations 3:21-26)
 

As more and more things are made difficult or "taken away" I realize where my hope truly lies. (I never knew how much hope I found in the ability to properly digest until the simple unconcious task of eating and drinking became uncomfortable.) Is it wrong to hope that I can one day sit and eat dinner with my family without pain? No. But if my hope lies only in a having a better body in this lifetime and if I seek that more than I seek God, then I will only be disappointed.  I may never receieve any healing or improvement in my quality of life while I live on this Earth, but I am assured a new body one day because my salvation has been purchased through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ and He is my hope. I may not feel hopeful (and many days I do not), but these truths I must call to mind: "The Lord is my portion, therefore I will hope in him". And  hope in Christ is everything I need.

Giving Grace

Chronic Illness can at the same time make one extremely empathetic and highly cynical.  Our deep suffering makes us able to connect with others in pain (even total strangers!) on a completely different level than we could before chronic illness entered our life. Our eyes are opened as we become part of a club that we never planned to join.

 

I have even found myself relating on a whole new level to those who have suffered various kinds of deep heartache or loss, but there is a unique bond with those who have endured great physical suffering. They just get it.

 

Consequently, I often find it a struggle to relate (on a significant level) with those who have not experienced chronic illness or intense suffering of some sort. And it is often with these people that my cynicism is unleashed.

 

Someone at church complains of a headache and I think, “please! Take some ibuprofen and suck it up!”  A family member has the flu and says they don’t think they can take one more minute of it. “Waaaah, try enduring pain every day for ­­almost 4 years!”  Someone says they’re so tired and I think “at least you can physically sit down and rest without feeling like a knife is stabbing you while you are on fire!”

 

If you struggle with chronic illness, you know what I’m talking about, and even if you don’t I’m sure you have your own cynical moments. It may not even be health related as I can quickly become cynical when I hear about someone’s vacation plans, another pregnancy, a new job, or basically anything else that someone has and I want.

 

This weekend my husband came down with a stomach virus –a gift from our daughter’s preschool most likely. (How I managed to be vomited on and clean up diarrhea multiple times and not get sick—yet—is a miracle!) My husband is very rarely sick and hardly ever complains when he is, but I found myself getting easily irritated with him. He serves me exceedingly well every day, but one day in bed and a couple little complaints and I felt cynical towards him.

 

We often feel our cynicism is justified because we are worse off than someone else. But the truth is there will always be someone in the world whose plight is worse.  There’s only One who deserves to be cynical towards us, but He isn’t. Instead, God lavishes grace upon grace to us. How much more should we show grace to others?

 

My friends and family who have never experienced chronic pain can’t understand what life is like for me, and I don’t really want them to —well maybe some days I do, but that’s another post for another day! I sure couldn’t empathize with others’ chronic suffering before pain became my constant companion so why should I expect others to be able to empathize with me all the time? Even if someone has the exact same pain or diagnosis they cannot truly know what it is like to live one day in our body.

 

But thankfully, Jesus can sympathize with our weaknesses and even though He is without sin, He is never cynical towards us.  Oh how we need Him to battle the sin of cynicism and help us give grace to others!

  

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:15-16