Prayers Please!

Two and a half weeks ago I had what seemed to be a stomach virus. It actually reminded me a little of the frequent stomach issues I had while living in Africa as it seemed to drag on for a while. I am finally feeling better from that, but last week I developed some upper GI issues that I have never had before - constant burping when drinking even water, feeling like something is stuck in my throat, and a little difficulty/irritation when swallowing. I have no idea where this came from! I began taking Prilosec just in case it is reflux, but I am not overweight and I don't have heartburn or a reflux feeling just a constant need to burp in order to get liquids/food/medicines down. Honestly, this has been anxiety producing (it doesn't help that my husband has been working CRAZY amounts of overtime -though we are extremely grateful for the extra money!). I cannot get into my family doctor this week and Monday is when I am supposed to start the drug infusions that will hopefully help with the central nervous system sensitization pain. I have been waiting for the infusions for 3 months and really need some relief from the burning, especially in my legs. I am concerned though that the infusions could cause some nausea and vomiting (side effects of the medications) and that might irritate my esophagus even more! This is very frustrating and like everything else completely out of my control.

When I had the MRI of my right hip 2 weeks ago a labral tear was found in that hip as well. I had a good visit with the PT and nurse practitioner and will go back in 2 weeks to see the hip surgeon and hopefully get more of my questions answered. My hope is that these drug infusions will help relieve/manage some of my pain (especially the burning/hypersensitivity), and then I might pursue intervention on my hip as this seems to make the most sense for me at this point. My right hip is actually more painful and unstable on a day to day basis than my left, but my SI joint pain and predominant pelvic floor pain is on my left side so perhaps I don't notice the hip pain there as much. Both my pelvic floor PT and the hip PT feel it would be wisest if I pursue arthroscopic hip surgery to have the left done first because I am already atrophied and weak and have more overall pain on that side.

The last few days have been especially hard. I'm discouraged and frustrated and just sick and tired of being sick and tired! I keep thinking surely God is going to give us a "break through" one of these days, but what if He doesn't? I read this quote Saturday which capturs how I often feel:

“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” CS Lewis

1. Please pray that these upper GI issues would go away - that God would heal me of this symptom. It just seems like the pain never stops spreading and I feel like it's more than I can bear right now! If it's not God's will for this to go away, pray that doctors will be able to figure out what is wrong and help me find relief soon.

2. Pray for wisdom to know what to do about the drug infusions next week.

3. Pray that if I do the infusions that they will help and that insurance will pay for it - we still haven't heard for sure about that! Pray also that the infusions will not cause any side effects (common ones being nausea/vomitting and hallucinations).

4. Pray for wisdom as we meet with the hip surgeon November 13th and try to decide what is best for me. Please pray that God will not allow me to do the surgery (or anything!) that would make me worse or not help the problem. I have already gone through so many painful and unnecessary procedures!

5. Most importantly pray for peace and that when I am afraid I will trust in God (Psalm 56:3-4). Pray also that we would not be anxious, but would constantly seek after God.

Thank you for standing in the gap with us!

"Thou Art Good and Doest Good"

This morning we embark on yet another journey in search of medical treatment. I often wonder if it's time to stop getting treatment, but it's hard to accept my low quality of life as a 30 year old. Of course I could be MUCH worse, so I am grateful for the things I can still do. Maybe this is where God wants me, dependent on his grace for normal daily activities that most people take for granted. I have to admit it's hard to believe that God would want me anywhere else than clinging to Him for strength moment by moment. Only He knows how I can best glorify Him.

As I prepare to leave, I have been encouraged by the words of George Mueller, 19th century pastor remembered for his great faith and work with orphans in London. His wife died at the age of 39 and he preached her funeral sermon from Psalm 119:68, "Thou art good and doest good". When she was diagnosed with rheumatic fever this was his prayer:

Yes, my Father, the times of my darling wife are in Thy hands. Thou wilt do the very best thing for her, and for me, whether life or death. If it may be, raise up yet again my precious wife --Thou are able to do it, though she is so ill; but howsoever Thou dealest with me, only help me to continue to be perfectly satisfied with Thy holy will.

And then after she died he said.

I bow, I am satisfied with the will of my Heavenly Father, I seek by perfect submission to his holy will to glorify him, I kiss continually the hand that has afflicted me... Without an effort my inmost soul habitually joys in the joy of that loved departed one. Her happiness give joy to me. My dear daughter and I would not have her back, were it possible to produce it by the turn of a hand. God himself has done it, we are satisfied with him. (excerpts taken from Taste and See by John Piper p. 267-268)

My times are in His hands. Whatever the outcome of this trip be, my prayer is that my heart would be satisfied with Him and His plans for my life. Because He alone is good and does good.

We appreciate your prayers - most importantly that God's will would be done and we would praise Him!

Life Outside the "Bubble"

I grew up in a middle class family. My dad was actually unemployed for a few months when I was born and my parents definitely have had to be thrifty to make ends meet at times, but I always had what I needed and most of what I wanted. I grew up with people of the same "class" if not higher. I was of course aware that there were people "in need" as I served the community through church youth group activities, but overall I lived an easy life.

By God's grace, I went to a wonderful Christian college thanks to financial aid and academic scholarship. Life on my college campus was affectionately called "the bubble" as many of us lived in our own little world oblivious to "the real world" and major news headlines.

Sure, I had some loneliness and let-downs in my life. I even lived in a third-world country where I saw intense suffering, but it didn't affect me directly. Overall life was good: I got the jobs I wanted, lived where I wanted, had friends, was financially secure, traveled frequently, and was in great health. Generally speaking, God seemed to answer my prayers by giving me my every desire. I had no real needs or wants.

Then chronic pain entered my life and burst my "bubble," taking away most of the things that made my life feel secure. I still do not have needs like most of the world (where almost 1 in 4 people live on less than $1.25 a day), but the last 3 1/2 years have been physically, spiritually, emotionally, financially, and relationally hard for me and my family.

When I look around, it often feels like we are the only ones suffering so much, but the reality is quite the opposite. My husband is in retail management and was recently conducting interviews for a cashier. Each applicant had a "sad" story - the young mom who got pregnant out of wedlock and is trying to put her life back together, the dad working two jobs trying to make ends meet for his family, the wife whose husband left her and she must now provide for her family with only a high school degree to her name.

This is not uncommon in America. Nearly one in six Americans lives in poverty (the US Department of Health & Human Services defines poverty for a family of four to be an annual income less than $22,350). Being on the outside of the "bubble" is however uncommon to us. We are surrounded by families who own two cars, a nice home, send their children to expensive pre-school, with a dad who works 8-5pm while the wife stays home. Our suffering has made us aware of how much the American church caters to this upper-middle class mentality, often forgetting those who work swing shift, like my husband, which is actually very common in our blue-collar community.

It's easy to throw a pity-party when life is hard and others seem to walk through with such ease, but   the Bible has told us life will be hard. So, why should we be surprised?

Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. 1 Peter 4:12-13

But most often I am surprised and sometimes even angry when suffering and trials come. However, life outside the "bubble" has been good for us. Our eyes have been (and are continuing to be) opened, and Christ has become sweeter to us. I feel like I can relate to others from different walks of life better now and I long for Heaven so much more.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a German pastor who protested Hitler's persecution of the Jews, said "A Christian is someone who shares the sufferings of God in the world." . While we all suffer to different degrees according to God's sovereign plan, we can rest assured we are in good company not only with many around the world, but more importantly with Christ - the man of sorrows.  And if God's perfect son suffered, why should we expect anything less (1 Peter 2:21)? Think it not strange, friends!

Resolutions

I have basically been on the couch or in bed the last two days. I seemed to have caught a little bug that my daughter had. I'm running a low grade temp and my throat is sore. I ache all over (worse than I normally do) and I'm getting ready to start my cycle. I was hoping my pain would be a little "flared" when I see the doctor on Wednesday so he could have a good picture of my pain, but I didn't want to get sick! Being sick and chronically ill is really tough.

I have been thinking about Jonathan Edwards' resolutions lately. Edwards was a great scholar, theologian, philosopher, and pastor in New England in the 1700's.  He wrote 65 resolutions that he read over weekly in order to keep his mind and heart on God.  You can read a copy of the resolutions here

Two of my favorites:

9.  "Resolved, to think much on all occasions of my own dying, and of the common circumstances which attend death."
10. "Resolved, when I feel pain, to think of the pains of martyrdom, and of hell."

Such convicting words! When I am sick and hurting do I think about death? No, I think about getting better because I want the pain to be over. But Edwards reminds us to think about the fact that we are going to die. Even if by God's grace we receive healing of our immediate illness, something will eventually take our life. I think Edwards in thinking about his own death was reminding himself and praying that his life would be used to God's glory. That he wouldn't "waste" it and that He would be ready when death comes.

When I am in pain, which is pretty much all the time, I confess I do not think of the pains of martyrdom and hell like I should, but rather I think about just "getting through it" or what I can do to minimize the pain. But if I were to think about my own sin and it's deserving of hell and of those who have been and will be martyred in countries like China, India, Afghanistan my pain would fail in comparison.

Challenging words. Read the rest of Edwards' resolutions, which pertain to all things in life including time management, character, and relationships.

Soul Surfer

 Last night my husband and I watched Soul Surfer, the story of Bethany Hamilton who lost her arm to a shark at the age of 13 while surfing near her home in Hawaii. Bethany is a believer in Jesus Christ and while the movie didn't portray this as well as I'd hoped, I really enjoyed watching the documentary about her on the special features of the DVD.  It was amazing to me to watch, in the documentary, a little girl at 13 years old who just lost her arm and possibly her dream of professional surfing say that she believe God had a purpose in it. She says on her website that faith in Jesus means "everything" to her. 

Bethany also says:

"Knowing that God loves me and that he has a plan for my life, that no shark can take away and no contest result can shake, is like having solid rock underneath me. Bad things are bound to happen to everyone. That's life. Here's my advice: don't put all your hope and faith into something that could suddenly and easily disappear. And honestly, that's almost anything. The only thing that will never go away, that will never fail you, is God and your faith in him." source

Watch it....you'll be encouraged!

Ministry to those Suffering

Does your church have a disability/chronic illness/suffering ministry? Really, leave a comment if your church does. (Remember you can always leave a comment anonymously). It's definitely an area of ministry that is lacking in our churches today I think.


 In the fall of 2009 Dallas Theological Seminary began offering a new course of study called "Theology of Suffering, Disability, and the Church".  It is taught by DTS faculty, medical professionals, counselors, and those suffering themselves.  You can download over a 100 of these lectures free through iTunes university here

It is my hope to one day start a chronic illness ministry at my church, Lord willing.  These lectures along with Lisa Copen's book  How to Start a Chronic Illness Small Group Ministry are a great resource to help you begin ministering to those suffering. 

Even if you aren't interested in starting a "suffering" ministry, these lectures are a great encouragement for times when you are suffering yourself.  Hearing the testimony of others who have walked through great trials and kept the faith always increases my love and trust in our sovereign God.

Enjoy!

"Choosing to SEE"

Thanks to Sunshine Deals for Amazon Kindle I was able to get this book for $2.99. Some books are as cheap as 99 cents, but the deal ends tomorrow so check it out while you can!

 "Choosing to SEE: A Journey of Struggle and Hope" is by Mary Beth Chapman, wife of contempary Christian artist Steven Curtis Chapman. It's an autobiography of Mary Beth's life and particularly of her loss of their adopted child. I don't want to share too many details in case you choose to read it. But I highly recommend it. I always find great encouragement hearing about others' struggles and continued faith in the Lord. 

The book includes this quote by C.S. Lewis which I can relate to greatly. "We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." From my research it looks like this quote comes from Letters of C. S. Lewis. I know that God is working for my good in this chronic pain, but I often wonder how much more pain will God's good will include?

"Why Can't I Make People Understand?"

"'Oh, you look so good!  You must be feeling a lot better.' It's a kind word of encouragement and yet we've all felt the twinge of "if you only knew" that sparks possible heartache or resentment.  They don't have a clue how poorly I feel. It took everything to get up today and brush my hair.  Little do they know! Emotions well up within our heart as we contemplate to smile and say, 'Thank you' or jump into our lament of 'Well, I feel  a lot worse than I look...'"

taken from: Why Can't I Make People Understand? Discovering the Validation Those with Chronic Illness Seek and Why (Conquering the Confusions of Chronic Illness) (p. 9) by Lisa Copen, founder of Rest Ministries, Christian support ministry  for the chronically ill

I did not write those words, but I sure feel like I could have.  It's strange to think that a comment like "you look good" could bring such hurt and frustration.  I know people mean well in saying it, but from the perspective of someone who struggles with chronic illness/pain it feels like the person means, "if you look this good you must not really be sick".  This happens to me probably weekly as I go to church, Wal-Mart, work, etc.  The thing is people don't realize that in order for me to go out to a family gathering I spend the 2 hours prior laying down and resting. Or that while I do make it through church I am sitting there on my cushion with burning pain and debating on how much long I can make it before I must stand. Or that yes, I endure an 8 hour work shift only to spend the next day laying on the couch most of the day recovering. 

It seems like if people see me out and I look ok then I must be better (I'll often get the comment of, "So, you're doing better?"). In my pride,  I want to say, "No, I'm not doing better, in fact in the last 2 weeks I've developed a new symptom of burning pain in my knees, in addition to my feet and sacral/perineal area, which makes it really hard to stand. So now, I can't sit or stand without a ton of pain!" Or I want to say, "No, I don't feel better. I am just trying to live life the best I can. You know there are a lot of people who live in daily pain and they can't just go around talking about it all the time!" Or even worse, I don't want to go out of the house so people will realize that this pain is really bad! Of course, I don't say these things and I try to live as much of a normal life as I can, but if I don't point these things out to people I worry that they think chronic pain is not that bad or worse, that I am "crazy".  Ironically though when people don't say anything at all, it also is irritating because then it feels like they don't care that I hurt!

But even if I do point out these issues, the other person will never be able to understand exactly what I am feeling.  And that's really what this book is about-since most people cannot understand what it is like to be a pudendal neuralgia/chronic pain sufferer I must learn to let go of these feelings of worry, fear, disappointment, and anger when others do not seem sympathetic to my pain.  Copen says, "This book's purpose is to examine our own desires and then transform them so we can move forward in our spiritual growth instead of withering under the burden of unmet expectations"  p. 16

This book is filled with scripture and points to the One who truly can identify with our suffering and comfort us in our pain. It is a great book for both the chronic illness sufferer as well as those caring for someone with a chronic illness. I think it will help a spouse, friend or caregiver be able to better identify with the mixed emotions we go through and how to help point us to the truth in our weakness.

Other questions that are addressed in this book:

"Is it okay to get mad at God about it all and express your true feelings?"

"How should you respond when people say hurtful things about your illness?"

"How does your attitude affect whether you get the kind of understanding you seek or not?"

"What happens to your spiritual life when you feel alone and misunderstood in your pain?"

Quote of the Day

The past two days have been mostly spent on the couch for me.  Seems I'm in a dreaded flare.

Encouraging quote I saw on a friend's facebook status:

"If we want people to see a suffering Savior in us, how do we expect that to happen if everything always goes well for us?" Pastor David Platt

Time for me to stop complaining!

Talk to Yourself

After yesterday's depressing post I was thinking about a sermon my friend told me about. It's by CJ Mahaney, a great pastor in Baltimore at Covenant Life Church. It's entitled The Troubled Soul: God's Word and Our Feelings and is based on Psalm 42. If you are going through a rough time or even if you're not, pick up a Bible right now and read Psalm 42. You will be encouraged.

In this sermon Mahaney says when your soul is troubled you need to do two things:

1. Talk to yourself
2. Talk to God

He uses a quote from D. Martin Lloyd Jones, a British Pastor who was first a medical doctor, in his book Spiritual Depression:

"Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself."

All day long we carry a conversation with ourselves. From the time we wake up till the time we go to bed we are talking to ourselves (talking about what we did, what we will do, what we should do, etc) and in turn listening to ourselves. For example I may say to myself, "what has happened to me is not fair" and I may say back, "it's so awful, look at so and so they have it so easy. How am I going to live like this?!"

So, what should you say to yourself? You have to preach God's truth to yourself.  When a thought of worry comes to mind, you say "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5)  Mahaney says that our circumstances lie to us. If we look only at our circumstances we think that God isn't faithful or good or that He's forgotten us. 

And of course talking to God through prayer is essential to soothe the troubled soul.  God wants us to speak His promises from the Bible back to Him.  We say, "God you said you would never leave us or foresake us(Hebrews 13:5) but it sure feels like I'm alone right now...HELP ME!"

Mahaney reminds us that one good way to both talk to yourself and talk to God is to sing songs of praise.  I love to listen to music. When I am having a particularly painful or worrisome day, if I turn on music and sing; it uplifts my soul.  Talking to ourselves and talking to God is definitely a discipline and it will take practice, but great will be our reward if we trust Him.

You can listen to the sermon in full  here I hope this encourages and challenges you like it did me!

"Do the next thing"

Since having my nerve block I have been very restless. I keep thinking through all my options of what to do next (should I fly to a pudendal specialist or to have a special MRI that could possibly tell if I have an entrapement? Should I get more blocks? Should I try different meds or a different cushion because my pain with sitting is greatly affecting my life?) I've been telling my husband " I just don't know what to do!"

My friend shared these helpful words and I'm sure she wouldn't mind me sharing as well.
They come from one of my favorite authors,Elisabeth Elliot.

"She says that when you feel overwhelmed, or worn out, or a bit listless,or are unsure about a big step you may need to take, often it is most helpful to just "do the next thing." Take out the trash. Vacuum up those fake pine needles. Unload the dish washer. Cook dinner for that sweet hubby. Make that phone call that's on your list. Pick up your Bible and read the passage marked for today."

Thanks friend. I sure needed that. Despite my personality to plan and worry right now I need to just get through each day and "do the next thing". Besides God has got it under control even if I feel restless. I just have to be patient and trust him.

"God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen"

"God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen" is probably my favorite Christmas carols.  I have been doing some reading about it and had never really noticed the comma that is before gentlemen.  This changes the meaning...it doesn't mean that this is addressed to happy gentlemen (like I think most of us think).  The word "rest" orignally meant "keep" or "make" and some claim that "merry" meant "mighty". So if you take this in to account the carol would go more like:

"God keep or make you mighty (or merry), gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay,
Remember Christ our Savior
was born on Christmas Day!"

I find this very encouraging especially as I struggle with chronic pain.  We have nothing to be downhearted or depressed about because Christ was born on Christmas!  And even more important is the fact that God knows that we can't do this on our own....He will keep us and make us merry and mighty!

May you all find much peace and joy this holiday season as we celebrate the birth of our Savior!

Why do We Hurt?

I realize that I have never really posted much pertaining to the title of this blog, but I plan to start doing that some.  So if there are any readers out there who maybe aren't believers in God or who are trying to figure out the purpose in their own personal suffering...this one is for you! And even if you are a believer, I think you might find this encouraging when facing trials :)

Randy Alcorn has written a great book entitled "If God is Good: Faith in the Midst of Suffering and Evil".  I have been slowly making my way through this 500 page book. Each page is filled with such great insight it takes some time, so you will probably read more posts and quotes taken from this book in the future.  Many people believe that if God is real or good then there wouldn't be any suffering in the world.  Suffering, whether it be physical, emotional, relational, financial, or whatever, seems to be pointless to a lot of people. Just random, chance occurrences that happen to "good" people. Randy Alcorn argues that suffering is not pointless.  We often think we know what God should do in a specific situation, but we are not all knowing or all loving like God is. 

Alcorn says, "We might think a good and all-powerful God should disarm every shooter and prevent every drunk driver from drinking, driving, or crashing.  But if God did that, this wouldn't be a real world in which people make consequential choices.  It wouldn't be a world of character development and faith building, or a world where family members put their arms around one another to face life's difficulties together." He also says, "The experience of suffering may cause us to long for God to complete his redemptive plan for this world.  It may cause us to grieve over the human rebellion that caused suffering.  If it does those things, then it is not pointless."

 Have you ever thought about it like that? If that horrible stomach virus you got last year that caused you not to be able to go on a mission trip where you might be able to share truth of Jesus with hundreds of people caused you to long for heaven more then it was worth it?!  Or if the end of a relationship that seemed to be headed for marriage caused you to long for God more than a spouse then the relationship itself wasn't pointless?!  Or if your lifelong battle with chronic illness causes a family member to pray like never before and grow closer to the Lord, then your pain had a purpose?! Or if the loss of a job that causes your family to suffer as well brings you to faith in Jesus then praise God you lost your job, right?!

Now this of course never undermines the difficulty of our suffering, but it sure does give me hope. Wow, God is so good!

"Whatever it Takes"

Hymn by: Lanny Wolfe

There’s a voice calling me
From an old rugged tree
And He whispers draw closer to me
Leave this world far behind
There are new heights to climb
And a new place in me you will find
 

For whatever it takes to draw closer to you Lord
That’s what I’ll be willing to do
For whatever it takes to be more like you
That’s what I’ll be willing to do
 

Take the dearest things to me
If that’s how it must be
To draw me closer to thee
Let the disappointments come
Lonely days without the sun
If through sorrow more like you I become

For whatever it takes to draw closer to you Lord
That’s what I’ll be willing to do
For whatever it takes to be more like you
That’s what I’ll be willing to do

Take my houses and lands

Change my dreams, change my plans

For I'm placing my whole life in your hands

And if you call me today

To a place faraway

Lord I'll go and your will obey.

I’ll trade sunshine for rain
Comfort for pain
That’s what I’ll be willing to do
For whatever it takes for my will to break
That’s what I’ll be willing to do 

That’s what I’ll be willing to do

Rough days

The last few weeks and especially the last 4 days have been some of my worst since dealing with chronic pain. I have had to resort to pain medication and laying on the couch. I hope I am just going through a "flare-up".  I don't know what exactly I did to cause it, but I did try to go to church on Wednesday night and I sat for about 30 minutes.  My pain has been so bad recently that I can't sit at all. Which means I can't drive, do work around the house, or really much of anything.  I am so thankful for my mom and dad who do so much for us when my husband is working.  I have had a lot of anxiety lately. Sometimes it's hard to eat or sleep. I try to quote Philippians 4:6 to myself "Do not be anxious about anything..." That sure is hard sometimes.  But what a blessing to know that because of Jesus we have nothing to worry about.  I don't know how people with chronic pain live without knowing Jesus!

I have finished reading "A Place of Healing: Wrestling with the Mysteries of Suffering, Pain, and God's Sovereignty"  by Joni Eareckson Tada.  Wow, this book was so good! Probably the best book on suffering I've ever read.  I've read some of Joni's other books and she never ceases to challenge my faith.  She has lived 40+ years as a quadriplegic, but this book is more about her recent struggles with chronic pain. I highly recommend it. You can find a copy here

Empty Me

There's a great song by Jeremy Camp called "Empty Me". Here are some of the  lyrics:

Holy fire burn away
My desire for anything
That is not of you and is of me
I want more of you
And less of me

Empty me, empty me, fill me
With you, with you

This is my prayer tonight.  Lately I struggle so much when I hear of someone who is expecting another baby or I see a mom with 4 kids age under the age of 4.  I wonder why I am struggling with what seems to be more pain everyday while other moms (and some of them overweight and "unhealthy" it seems) can have multiple children with no physical problems.  It makes me sick to have such sinful jealous thoughts, but I do.  I of course fail to remember how God has so graciously blessed me with salvation,  a wonderful husband, a healthy daughter, a caring family that lives nearby, financial provisions, and the health I do have....just to name a few.  God please take away my thoughts and desires that are not of you!

Hope

I read this quote and wanted to share it.

“Hope is not a wish. It is a confident assurance in who God is and in his promises, a God who is active in the past and the God who has given us a future and who helps us today. It is that God who gives us hope.” ~David S. Dockery

Some days I feel so hopeless.  Hopeless that the pain will never go away or that I won't be able to care for my family.  However, it is not God who has left me hopeless...it's my own lack of faith.  Oh, God increase my faith!