Thanks for your prayers concerning my weekend trip to meet my new nephew. The 6 hour car drive was grueling despite laying down in the back of my aunt's van. I didn't sleep well while I was gone which always increases my pain levels. It was good to see family we hadn't seen in almost 2 years and to hold my sweet one month old nephew, but it was also difficult emotionally as I realized how debilitated I am. I will most likely not make more trips like that until I get my pain under better control. I am having lots of burning in my legs, especially at night, and am still unable to sit for more than a couple minutes.
We have to make our decision whether to pursue surgery or the spinal cord stimulator in the next few days. We are leaning towards surgery at this point, but everyday I go back and forth as I have many concerns and doubts. I worry that my pudendal nerve is not truly entraped and that my pain is from pelvic joint dysfunction and central nervous system sensitization as many have hypothesized. I want the chance at actually "fixing" the problem not just covering it up, but I do not want the 12-18 month recovery period, inability to bend over for several months, and risk of scar tissue formation increasing my pain.
I don't have a real peace about any decision right now.....so does that mean I don't do anything and stay in my debilitated state? I have so many things I need to do hanging over my head and I just feel like we are trying to survive right now. It's not a fun place to be.
I don't really want to make a decision because I don't want to have the decision to make. I want to wake up and this be a bad dream. I want to be a normal (almost) 30 year old wife and mother. I don't want to have to tell my daughter I can't read anymore stories at bedtime because I can't sit any longer. I don't want to stand or lie in the living room while my family eats supper.
But in reality it doesn't matter what I want. God isn't all that concerned about my wants and desires. I am just a small part of a much bigger plan.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9
Sorry for the "downer" post. I have been wanting to update my blog, but honestly I've felt overwhelmed. I have been in quite a slump lately and am praying God helps me be content with His good and perfect plan for my life, no matter how painful it may be. Am looking forward to a day of internet "fasting" tommorrow and praying God gives me peace soon about future treatment options. Please pray with me.