Saturday, November 27, 2010

Home for the Holidays

I'm feeling a little sorry for myself this afternoon, even though I know I shouldn't be.  My my  mom, dad, and brother went to my grandparents' house for Thanksgiving (about 3 hours away) while I am here counting how many times I urinate in a day (a tool for PT since I am having issues with urgency and I am now realizing frequency). Usually we go too, but my husband had to work this year and there wasn't room for us to spend the night (due to other family being there) so I felt like it would be too hard on me and my 15 month old daughter to go just for the day.  I'd like to blame it on my daughter, but really the reason I felt we couldn't go was me. There wouldn't be room for me to lay down the entire way and I can't sit riding for more than 30 minutes right now (even with my cushion). It's just not worth the flare up that will inevitably come if I do.  We aren't even going to see my husband's family this year for Christmas. They live in Texas and there is no way I can travel that far right now.

It scares me...will I never be able to visit family again for the holidays without being able to lay down the entire way? How many years will I have to stay behind while my husband and daughter travel to see his family for Christmas.  And it's not just the traveling, but the holidays in general. They all involve so much sitting. Sitting to eat dinners, sitting and talking, sitting and drinking hot chocolate, and sitting to open presents or go to a Christmas Eve service at church.  Will I ever be able to do these things again without extreme amounts of pain or being doped up on high doses of pain meds?

My husband tells me all the time not to worry about the future, God's in control, He will give me the grace to make it, and we don't know that I will always be like this (at least we know one day I will have no more pain).  But it's especially hard to "walk by faith" on days like this as we are challenged in 2 Corinthians 5:7.

Today I know I should be grateful that I was able to take my dog for a walk and watch the old "Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer" with my daughter (she loves movies right now).  After all, some people can't walk and desperately long to have children of their own.  The holidays aren't about family or traveling or eating good food together, even though our culture tells they are.  I can celebrate the holidays whether I am alone or with many, sad or happy, content or discontent, hurting or pain free because I have Jesus, and he has promised to prepare a much better dwelling than this old tent we live in here on Earth.  And not only that, but He has given us his Spirit to guide us in this hard life.  I hope you find hope and strength in these verse like I have today.

"For we know that if the tent, which is our earthly home, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.  For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling, if indeed by putting it on we may not be found naked.  For while we are still in this tent, we groan, being burdened-not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.  He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee. 
So we are always of good courage.  We know that while we are home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight.  Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord.  So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him."  2 Corinthians 5:1-9

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