I was a little angry with God to be honest. Does He not care that I'm in pain and have no access to treatment that helps even in the slightest? Of course I know that God loves us and is doing what is right and good, but we sure are tired of life being so hard. It seems at least for now, God wants us where we are though we really don't understand why. My husband continues to look for jobs in a couple of larger cities where I could have better access to treatment (especially pelvic physical therapy) and he has recently updated his ministry resume in hopes that maybe one day he could be in full-time Christian ministry as we so desire. Unfortunately ministry positions that pay well and have good benefits are not easy to find and no insurance company would insure me if we tried to buy our own policy (which is the custom in many small churches). So we are limited to churches with at least 10 paid staff members who carry a group insurance policy. Sure limits our options, especially since we would also have to move to an city that had good health care options for me. I do wonder at times why my husband ever went to seminary if all God planned for him was to work retail management for the rest of his life!
Over the last four weeks I've had some better days, especially after my last three-day physical therapy session with my PT who lives 2.5 hrs away. I am still far from normal, but I was able to get out a little more and function with a little less pain. After 2 weeks though I could tell the effects were wearing off and I really needed the PT again. Unfortunately, I can't drive myself since I can't sit more than 30 minutes so I'm limited to when my husband/family can take me. This is not a long term solution to my pain, but it is a pain management tool and for now that's all I have. It's so frustrating not to be able to get treatment as frequently as I need.
From a human perspective it feels like we are stuck - stuck in this town, stuck with my husband's current job, stuck with poor health care access, and stuck with lifelong chronic debilitating pain. But, "Who has understood the mind of the LORD, or instructed Him as his counselor?" (Isaiah 40:13, NIV) Surely not me. I have no idea what God has planned or how He is working, but I think I can trust the God to whom, "the nations are like a drop from a bucket, and are accounted as the dust on the scales." (v. 15)
So, as we work and wait, we'd sure appreciate your prayers.
- Thursday I will be seeing a hip specialist. My PT out-of-town has seen several patients who have pelvic floor pain and sacroiliac joint dysfunction who also have a more difficult to diagnose hip pathology such as labral hip tears/hip impingement. Thankfully, one of the best arthroscopic hip surgeons in the States for this type of hip pathology is located in the same city as my PT and my pelvic pain doctor! Honestly I don't expect them to find anything, but I think it is important to have every possible cause of pain ruled out before I just live with the pain. Please pray that they will order the correct tests needed and have eyes to see if there is any hip problem that might be contributing to my pain.
- If my hips are "clear" then I will likely proceed with some drug infusions that my pain doctor wants to try to help decrease my pain. It's unlikely that insurance will pay for these infusions as it would be an "off-label" usage, and I'm not sure that they will even help with my pain, as it would be an "off-label" us. Please pray that if we need to proceed with this that God will work out the logistics and give us wisdom to know if it is something we should pursue.
- My husband is going to finally (after 1.5 years) going to be put on an actual rotation at work where he shouldn't have to work 10 weekends in a row anymore. Unfortuantely this will make it difficult for him to have 3 days off in the middle of the week like we need when we travel to see my PT. Pray that if we continue to have to live here and travel for therapy that God will provide a way for me to get therapy that I need.
- Continue to pray that God would provide a better job for my husband in an area where I can get more consistent medical care that would decrease my pain if there is no other solution for my pain.
- Pray that we will continue to trust in our sovereign God and not lose heart. Pray for peace that surpasses understanding.