Monday, January 31, 2011

"Have Mercy On Me"

I research about my condition a lot.  It's a bad mix of being in the medical profession and being a Type A personality.  Some doctors don't like it that I've read a lot and am constantly scoping out the next plan of action to regain a better quality of life (notice I don't say cure here), but I'm pretty sure they'd be doing the same thing if this happened to them :)

Sometimes I stress myself out by constantly reading and thinking about my pain. To combat this I play music around my house a good portion of the day. It helps me keep my mind off myself and focused on what is true.  One of my favorite artists is JJ Heller. She has a folk sound and her lyrics are so good sometimes I feel like she is inside my head! I read somewhere that she used to struggle with anxiety, but I don't for sure that's true.

I was really caught by the words of her song Have Mercy On Me today.  You can listen to the song here

I’m tired of being afraid
I’m wondering how I got this way
I’m trying to remember what life was like before
Panic moved in without even knocking on the door

Have mercy on me
I’m not who I used to be
Have mercy on me
Jesus, please

I’ve been praying and asking you to take it all away
You never do exactly what I say
You see me from the outside, a lover looking in
But all I see is danger moving underneath my skin
Have mercy on me
I'm not who I used to be
Have mercy on me
Jesus, please

I know it’s not because I don’t love you enough
It’s not because I’m weak, it’s how you choose to speak to me

I love the last two lines.  Jesus hasn't not healed me because I don't love him enough or because I'm weak and don't have enough faith. He has just chosen to speak to me this way right now. Another reminder that my pain has purpose!

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